The Red Notebook

"You could use this notebook to write your feelings in, it's a good coping mechanism!" my mother says as she hands me an old and run-down notebook. I remember shaking my head when I saw the coffee stains on the back of it.

But I took it.

I have been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was 12-years-old. I'm 18 now, and I still live a tiring and sad life.

Nonetheless, I used this notebook for every secret, every heartbreak, and every tear-shed and despair was written in this old and stained red notebook.

When you open to the first page, it was written a year ago on April 17, 2017. This was the first thing that had split my heart in two, and since I had no one to speak to this about, I wrote it in this notebook.

My friend Kevin was very special to me, but he had left me in the most horrible way. He humiliated me, made me cry, and then left. I was heartbroken.

Just to explain who Kevin really is, Kevin was a very special friend of mine from Canada. I had met him 2 years from now from a game in the month of Febuary 14, 2016. Valentine's Day. He had been in a relationship with a girl. But I did not fall in love with him until a few months later, and he had confessed his love to me as well. He was straight when he and I fell in love with each other. Since then I had waited for him to be mine, only to be left with disappointment. A few months later he had lost interest in me and gained interest in men only. I was never able to make him mine. I was never able to be put in the spotlight. I was always the one on the sidelines, and I always will be. Recently, a few months ago, he had moved to England to marry who he says is the love of his life... his husband. He then kicked me out of his life, since he no longer had any love left for me. But still, I cannot help but say that I am so hopelessly in love... with a married Canadian gay man.

I remember the tears as they ran down my face like waterfalls, jamming my pen into the paper as I wrote out the words... the words that stabbed me right in the heart. Kevin stabbed me in the heart. Kevin... my love. My life. My moon. I loved you, Kevin. So why... why must you hurt me this way?

I also came out as bisexual on that day, that day that Kevin had hurt me. "Bekim" and "Blerta" are my siblings, and "Katie" was my brother Bekim's former fiancée. They were accepting, except for my little sister Blerta, who is just 2 years younger than me and had failed to understand how I could ever be attracted to girls. I told her, "Well, you don't have to understand. Can't you just love me for who I am?" And then I cried. For my sister's disapproval. And for Kevin.

Alex is also a good friend of mine and Kevin's as well. I had met Alex through Kevin, and since then Alex and I have been inseparatable. I remember crying to Alex about Kevin, and then he gave Kevin the phone and we talked. Kevin said he missed me, and I remember crying. Crying and weeping, because I loved him so much. I was also doubtful in my decision to allow him back into my life since he had been so cruel to me before. But I loved him too much. I couldn't function well without Kevin. I love Kevin.

Jumping forward a few months of sadness and sorrow, I am showing you an entry in October when I began my piano class. A boy named Zach reminded me of Kevin. From the same hair cut with black hair, the same light-skinned tone, the same eyes. I remember crying everytime I would look at Zach. Because he reminded me of my love, Kevin. Kevin... the Canadian boy I was so in love with, but could never have as my own.

I wrote out a list of all the bad things that Kevin had ever done to me. This was because I was so obsessive on all the good he had done for me, making me fall more and more in love with him. So I wrote out this list so that I could get myself to hate him. Pitiful, isn't it? It didn't work though. In the end... I still loved him.

To further elaborate, Kevin had left me messages on Kik messaging app. We had decided to stay friends, since we had missed eachother very much.

It was also the same day that Kevin tells me very heartbreaking news. Alex had lost his mother, attempted suicide, and then got put into a coma. (He woke up about 2 weeks later). It was the night of my Choir/Band concert. So I sang for Alex. I sang for him. The dear friend of mine... who was broken and suffering a loss. I sang so loud so that he could hear it all the way in Canada. Alex, my beautiful prince charming. I love you.

Lots of things had happened. My undying love for him growing more and more to the point of smothering him. My father becoming more abusive. My relationship with a boy becoming a burden. My depression growing worse. I lost Kevin. In the end, I lost him forever.

*"loqk" means "sweetheart/sweetie" in Albanian*

I missed him.

Jade... the girl I love. I don't think anyone has ever realized that I am inlove with this childhood friend of mine named Jade. We had been bestfriends for 13-14 years. But I was awful to her. My depression made me withdraw and it turned me into a terrible person. Jade, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry for smothering you, Jade. I really love you.

...

I cry for Kevin everyday, and I long for Jade. I love them. I love Kevin. I love Jade. They are both so important to me. I love them.

...

...

...

I've lost all will and motivation to continue on with this pathetic and disturbingly sad article.

Kevin. I hope your husband makes you happy. I know he does. Make sure to eat lots of yummy food everyday and stay warm when it's cold. I know you don't like to zip up your jacket but make sure you do so your chest doesn't get cold. Make sure you bathe everyday and make sure that you don't go to sleep too late. I know you also work the late night shifts so you could spend the daytime with your husband, so make sure you get some rest. There's still so much I want to nag at you about... There's still so much I want to know... What is your favorite TV show...? Do you still love eggs and rice? Do you still dress in all black? What are the size of your jeans? Will your love for track and running ever fade? Kevin...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I'm pathetic in your eyes. But my dear... I can't get over you. You were the first man to love me, to be nice to me. To treat me with kindness and respect. The first man to put up with my tears, my unhealthy clinginess and sadness. I love you, love you, love you.

Jade... I will love you forever. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but I did. Please don't drink too much alcohol and party too hard. Please don't lose focus on your studies. But you're so smart... I know you'll do so well, no matter what. I hope your girlfriend makes you happy. I know she does. I'm so happy for you. I am so jealous... but I'm happy. I wish I was the one holding your hand, kissing your lips, and embracing you. I wish I snuggled with you more when I slept at your house. I wish I stared at your freckles more... those adorable freckles I love oh-so-much. I wish I got to stroke your hair more. I really wanted to kiss you.

I'm not saying you should forgive me... but please.

Kevin and Jade... you both could move on but please, I beg of you...

Don't forget me. Please.

... Please don't erase me.