The Relationship That Broke Me

It started when I was 20. He was the third guy that ever showed any interest in me. We met on a dating site. Something was just off. He never wanted to hang out in public, he only wanted to invite me over to his house. A random stranger. I remember the stories growing up. Never meet people online, never get into their cars, don’t tell them where you work, live, or hang out. Mostly importantly, don’t go to their house. If you’re going to meet someone online, let someone know where you’re going.

I was so desperate to find someone to love me. What I didn’t realize was that I needed to love myself first. One night, I received a text from him.

"Come over and hang out."

I decided that I had given him every excuse in the book not to go over. Why not give it a try? Against everything my gut was telling me, I decided to go over. Things weren’t so bad. He was a really nice guy with an amazing dog. He really seemed to have his life together. I stayed for about an hour drinking beer with him (I was still 20). I was on my way home and I received another text.

“You should come back," the text said.

I decided to go home instead. I promised him that I would come back over tomorrow. The next day, I answered his text to come back over. When I got there, he had the beer already poured and waiting. We laughed and talked for a few hours. After several beers, we decided to play a game. One thing led to another. After we finished, he led me out to the front door and told me to drive safe. Later on that week, I explained to him that I was looking for more. I wanted a real relationship, not one that consisted of one thing. He agreed—he was looking for the same thing. A month went by with no response to my messages. I thought I was done with him. I had moved on, started dating someone new. After a month, I get a text from this guy stating he had lost his phone. Dumb me, I believed him. I broke up with my boyfriend. I started talking to this guy a little more and I agreed to once again come back over and hang out. When I got there, something began to really bother me. Why didn’t he want to be seen outside of his house with me? Was I unattractive? Was there something wrong with me? I asked him why we had never had a real date. He replied, “ I’m not sure. We should plan one." So we planned to have a date the next night. When time came, I texted him to see if we were still on for our plans. He gave me the excuse that he had to work. How do you not know you had to work the day before? I put my anger aside and explained that I understand. We planned for yet another day.

The night before our date, I texted him to make sure our plans were still good. He waited until an hour before our scheduled date to tell me he had to work. By this time I’m sure that I’m the problem; I’m not good enough for him. To be completely honest, I was ready to give up, on men, my life, my job, anything that had any meaning to me once. I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to text him until he texted me. A week went by and I received yet another text to come over and hang out. For the life of me, I have no clue why I went back over there. I knew exactly what he had wanted. I think I was so in love with the idea of him that I couldn’t let it go. Our encounters went on for around three years. During that time, I began seeing other men, none of which could measure up to him. I let him consume my life. I began to think this is all that I’ll be able to get. I sold my souls to the devil. In my darkest times, when I needed someone the most, I could never turn to him. I was always there for his needs, why couldn’t he be there for mine? Fast forward a few months later. I met my best friend, my now boyfriend, and the guy I hope to spend my life with. He’s amazing! But why couldn’t I let the other guy go? I stopped seeing my casual encounter for about a month while I began dating my now boyfriend. One night I received a text from my causal encounter asking if I wanted to come over for a beer. Everything inside me told me not to, but I did anyways. While at his house, I discovered he now has a girlfriend. At first I thought he was just trying to be friendly and wanted to just hang out. It was getting late and I was about to leave when he asked me to come to his room. I confronted him about having a girlfriend. To my surprise, he said "I'm seeing someone. She’s not my girlfriend."

As I stood there in disbelief, all I could think about was my boyfriend. I continued to ask my casual hook up, “what is the point in having a girlfriend if you’re just going to cheat?”

His reply was, “IDK, to just have a girlfriend." My spirit was breaking. Even though we hadn’t actually dated, we had some type of relationship. Three years is a lot to just throw away. I ended up going to his bedroom. And like normal, as we were done, he led me to the front door and said "drive safe."

As if he could care if I got home safe or not. The next day I had the guilt written all over my face. I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. I told my boyfriend. Expecting him to break up with me, I sat in my car and cried. To my surprise, he held me and said, “I’m really disappointed and hurt that you could do this. But I know how much you’re hurting, too, and we’re going to get through this.”

In this moment, I realized that I was worth more than the value that someone else puts on my life! I learned to love me and never be ashamed of who I am.