The Reoccurring Case of the Ex

My mama always told me to follow my first mind in all situations. Her claim was that the inner voice that I hear was my spirit letting me know what choice I should make.

In most areas of my life I have heeded her advice, but for reasons I cannot yet explain, I never seem to listen to my gut when it comes to the men I date. This point was made even more clear since the end of my last serious relationship. I should not have been surprised that things ended with my now ex-boyfriend considering that there was some major BS from the very beginning. In hindsight, it was ridiculously obvious that we were not going to have a happily ever after ending. Even though my spidey senses were on full throttle all the time and my pettiness was itching to take over the entire two years of our relationship, I suppressed my feelings because my fear of being wrong overpowered them. At this point, I felt I had invested so much energy I could not let go of the small chance that, maybe just maybe, all my worries were in my head and that I was being too hard on him.

I was simply postponing the inevitable by trying to fool myself into believing that he was the “one.” Alas, I found myself learning a lesson in knowing my worth and practicing self-love. To be honest, he was just a repeat of all my previous intimate relationships with me being the one common denominator in each situation.

So, I ask myself, why do I seem to be hell-bent on spending my years repeating the course in Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men 101?

It would be easy to keep blaming my first EUM (Emotionally Unavailable Man) who I call Daddy for my relationship woes with the opposite sex. But as I grow more into who I truly am, I am no longer comfortable making someone else the scapegoat for my foolish choices. I am 40 years old and responsible for my own stuff. Therefore, I recognize that yes, my issues with my Daddy has “tainted” my choice in men, but ultimately it is me who decides whom I date.

This still doesn’t answer the question as to why I keep falling for the same type of man over and over again. Do I not love myself as much as I say I do? Do I feel I am worthy of the kind of love I desire in a partner? Why do I feel the need to chase after anyone that treats me like an option?

So many questions left unanswered. It is hard not to get down on myself because I feel I should know better by now. Before I met my ex I thought I had done the inner work. I read all the self-help books. I journaled. I meditated. I forgave but I still found myself with an almost exact replica of boyfriends from relationships past. The only difference this time was that I did not run. That in itself was a major accomplishment.

Although I don’t have the answers to all the questions, one thing remains the same in that I am always hopeful. I never want to be one of those jaded “all men are dogs” bitter women. I know with certainty that the world is filled with an abundance of good men that are not only attractive and successful but faithful too. So, for now, until I figure this out, I will take the beautiful lessons I learned from my breakup and keep moving forward... always moving forward.