The Road to Sexuality and Gender
My Personal Experiences With Exploring My Sexuality and Gender
I am a transgender man, 18 years old and about to start my HRT (Hormone Replacement Treatment). I am looking back on my road to finding myself and learning to accept who I am.
I was raised in my grandparents' household since my dad could not afford to raise me and my sister on his own once my parents divorced and my mum left; drugs were more important and I have not seen her in 14 years. No presents, no calls, nothing-it just showed me that she wasn't wanting to parent andI was much better off with my dad and grandparents.
As a young kid, I felt out of place in female clothing with long hair and I knew I was different even then; I preferred male's clothing not as a tomboy thing but because I then felt as if I was myself. My family easily wrote it off as "dress-up", but as I aged and grew they started to realize it was much more than just simply childish playing. My sister, for example, was into make up and barbies and all of that. I played with Barbies, played with the toys she did, and watched what she did, but there were obvious differences.
When I was 13, I began to realize puberty was hitting and I started having self-hatred toward myself; I began to research as to what was going on and that's when I found out about the LGBTQA+ community, something hidden from me because my family was Christian and did not believe in LGBT as something that was not something that could be helped, but as something that was a sickness and disgusting. Article after article after article explained that LGBT was not anything of the sort, but was something that was in someone's personal chemistry and I dug deeper and deeper into the LGBTQA+ community and what it was.
When I was 15, I asked to be able to see a gender therapist; my family was utterly against it, but my doctor at the time requested that I see a therapist for my depression and anxiety issues. He also asked my grandparents to look into Melatonin for my sleeping issues and my grandmother got me to a therapist, whom I stopped seeing after a few visits when the therapist and I were not connecting and it was only stressing me out more, and I tried the Melatonin for a few months but eventually stopped once it was not helping and I didn't want to be wasting my family's money.
At 16, I began dating. Dated 2 boys, a girl, and a transgender. I obviously knew I was not straight and labeled myself as "Queer" for the longest time, not knowing what label would fit me and not wanting a label for a while. I eventually settled on Pansexual, meaning to have attractions to people without really caring what gender they were; I always described it as not dating someone based on looks and their body and genitalia but rather for their personality.
Around this time, I began knitting and got involved with making soaps, candles, and beaded keychains by hand, which I still make and sell to this day.
At 18, I tried an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug that I eventually quit; it was cheap but it was not working at all. I felt robotic and empty. (Some of these medications do help people, I am not trying to deface them and throw any shade at the companies; simply, they are just not for me.)
I connected with a guy online and we video-chatted, texted, and voice called daily; this went on from February to May, when I decided to move 2 states away from home to move in with him. He has been extremely supportive of everything I do and I cannot thank him enough.
My whole point in this is that, for anyone who needs it out there, everyone has their struggles and mine was not quite a physical struggle (except for the discomfort my body dysmorphia caused), but more of a mental and emotional one. Keep your head up, stay strong, and always believe in yourself.
(That picture is me. I used to have long ugly blonde hair when I was a kid and I shaved it all off when I turned 18 back in September 2018. I still wear a binder, which I have done since I was 15 thanks to my grandfather, and for anyone looking for a binder, gc2b is an excellent company! This is my second binder from them and if you follow the washing instructions and don't wear it too much, they can last for a few years. Have a good day everyone!)
~Scott
About the Creator
Scott Lavely
I am a transgender individual trying to bring light to LGBTQA+ in the USA and other areas of the world
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