The Rules: May Not Always Work for Gender Non-Conforming

The good points on the Rules is that it does mention to put yourself first, but you cannot pursue the one pursuing you. The Rules' values being mysterious, not laying it bare on the first date, which I do agree with. One rule I also agree with is ending the date first, so you leave the opposite partner wanting more. The Rules does explain what men want but the concept does not warm up to the modern feminist thought of pursuing the man as an equal. If we are equals, then a woman can do the Rules on a man, and a man can do the Rules on a woman. The Rules is not necessarily about gender equality, however, because it is about the woman allowing the man to pursue her, which means she has him interested in her only, and she doesn’t get treated badly as a result.

It takes two to treat each other badly, actually. A man can also play mysterious if he wants to since the Rules advises women to not act like a man, even if you are the head of your own company. What many of us gender-nonconforming sorts are about is not acting feminine, which is what I have a problem with when discussing “The Rules.” However, I do agree with not acting cynical and depressed when you are with a man. You can’t expect your husband or wife to save you or be your therapist.

Or for that matter your friends. “The Rules” emphasizes soft and feminine gestures. Now I have to say, what is that in the 21st century? “The Rules” demands your answers to the man’s questions be short, light, and flirtatious. Say what? I so feel that I should not date right now. I have to work on myself first.

I want nothing to do with a man right now. Period, not even to give petty, light, and flirtatious answers. “The Rules” also declares that it is the natural order of a man to pursue a woman, and if you allow him to pursue, he will not treat you badly. Well, the truth is that men will treat you badly anyway, whether you use “the Rules” or not. If you truly feel like you can be with someone, you will feel relaxed and friendly at them, feeling at ease around them.

One thing I find really just weird, is “The Rules” states that a man should not have a woman ask him to dance. The woman should leave this in the hands of the man. Once again, “The Rules,” is all about how to act so the man won’t eventually degenerate into treating you badly. No matter what, men sometimes will treat women badly. “The Rules” doesn’t guarantee they won’t. If they are that sort of person, they will treat you badly, no matter what. The Rules bothers me when they ask if you think you are too smart for the rules, as if you won’t get married if you don’t learn “The Rules” does not exempt you from being treated badly if that is the intent of the man or woman you are with.

Gender non-conforming means that you do not conform to standard gender rules. Some dress in an androgynous style where the gender is not made obvious. Gender non-conforming people have feminine interests such as cheerleading if they are male, but that doesn’t mean they are gay. Hardly. Some gender non-conforming are bisexual and transgender, but their predilections do not mean they are gay. People who are gender non-conforming often have their hair cut short, not long and feminine. Acting girly is not their thing.

This is why “The Rules” seems anathema to them and people like me who I have yet to meet. However, “the Rules” advises women be busy as they normally are but not “needy.” Busy doesn’t mean needy and wanting a man desperately. I agree to not be desperate about any relationship since desperation in any situation does put people off, even companies when looking for a job. Those of us who aren’t conventionally straight are the sorts of people who will stand out. We do not lower our voices when told to, we do not dumb ourselves down. We are gender non-conformists, who do not follow ascribed gender rules. We can smell them, sense them, and then we decide to blow them off. We don’t bother, we don’t like it, and we sure as hell are not going to be subjugated by people who expect us to follow the gender rules we abhor. Quit imposing antiquated gender rules on us. Many of us are quite educated people.

If we like drama, cheerleading, and other female things and we are a man, don’t automatically assume we are gay. That’s ridiculous. We have our interests and you manly men can have football as your only interest if you so choose to be straight like that and have only one interest. Going to work and American football. And perhaps your car, since this is what normal American men are interested in, totally forgetting about unconventional things like writing, spiritual pursuits, or acting. Sports is the only manly pursuit conventional men are allowed to express. Science may be a manly interest some men pursue but science is now open to women pursuing it as well. Quit having a narrow view of gender stereotypes, behavior, and prejudicing those who do not display conventional gender rules. I have yet to write a book on non-conformist dating behavior, but it is time we come up with rules of our own.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Fein, Ellen & Sherrie Schneider. All The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right. Grand Central Publishing. 1997.