The Spectrum Chronicles

My name is Alice and I am still undecided about my sexuality, so I decided to write down my thoughts and what has happened to me so far.

This is not about my views being gospel. This is not about me dispensing advice to other people who may be struggling—this is quite simply my very messy journey to finding out who the heck I am. If one other person reads this and takes comfort from it, or learns something from it—then that's fantastic. But really it's mostly therapy for myself, to stop me from going mad. So if you're looking for tales of friends that accept you and tell you that they knew all along, family that don't and tell you that you are abhorrent and co-workers who are mildly curious by your relationship dynamic and ask hilariously offensive/inappropriate questions, then settle down.

It won't all be about me. I am also going to explore other people's lives and thoughts, working my way through some of the different types of sexual preferences and profiles. Disclaimer, if you're easily offended by swearing or are looking for a person who is 100% clued up on gender roles/pronouns/history then this is the wrong place for you. I am always trying to educate myself on these topics, but it is a process, hence this series.

So let's get started.

I grew up in a heteronormative household, family and environment. I grew up wanting a husband and kids and that was that. There was no question and I wasn't confused or conflicted about it. There was no lightbulb moment for me with regards to my sexuality and no Bridget Jones realisation. I simply listened to my gut and wandered into a relationship with a woman. I am fully aware that it is not half as easy as this for a lot of people, (don't worry, things get a lot more difficult for me later on.) For me though, when on discovering Tegan and Sara and realising that I was attracted to the more androgynous female look (early T+S, circa 2010) it sparked a little flame in the back of my mind, that I secretly paid attention to and quietly cultivated.

Outwardly I was straight. If we are going with those amusing stereotypes then I look what society would deem "straight" and so no one ever questioned me. I flew under the sexuality radar. I would be asked about boyfriends and I'd just say no not yet, genuinely not feeling conflicted or worried and thinking that I would eventually meet a man.

Fast forward a few years after my T+S realisation and I am 19 years old and I've got myself into a tricky situation with a guy—getting emotionally involved when it wasn't my place to. In my defence, I was 19, he was my first love and I was the only one out of the two of us rejecting anything other than friendship. Give me a couple more years and thank God I would eventually tell him to sod off.

It was after this painful almost three years was finally over, that I met my now ex-girlfriend at work. Now that's an interesting one.