The Start of My Renaissance

From the moment I met you I've felt my world collapse all around me. I've looked at myself in ways I never have before. I realized the amount of time I wasted choosing to isolate myself from the world around me. I finally opened my eyes to how much I've let my past control me. How much of my future I've let slip through my fingers, but I know I can somehow fix it.

You once told me how much you fell behind in the world after you left the military. You repeatedly rant about how you aren't the man you want to be and how much better everyone else seems to be. Every time I try to console you, I feel myself suffocating and trying to keep myself from breaking down beside you because unlike you, I've run out of time. I can't share the words or fears that run through my mind because of the stories you share, like of the girl who went to Berkeley and graduated with a 3.8 GPA. I mean, sure, I'm graduating this semester, but I'm a year late with a not so perfect GPA.

You know, when I look at you I think of how I was when I first started. I was ecstatic about joining anything and everything that would help my future career. My advisor seemed to want to help me reach the stars and become the best I could possibly be. That's what I initially thought, before he emailed me about how much he wanted to fuck me. Great thing to do to someone already suffering from trauma. Maybe I should have looked for help after that, but I didn't because other people have been through worse. I just did what any other person with PTSD would do. AVOID. AVOID. AVOID. I rarely went to an advisor's office or anything else after that. I allowed mental illness to control me.

I really do love you, but I envy you. You're doing everything I should have done by joining professional fraternities and taking advantage of every resource your university has to offer. I should have done that, but here I am on the verge of graduation with nothing to be proud of. I am already so proud of you. I really can't wait to see how much you will accomplish by your graduation. I will always support you and help in any way that I can because I want to make sure you do everything I didn't.

I sometimes wonder if I should let you go because I feel so unworthy to be your girlfriend. I'm not as positive as you want me to be and I haven't conquered my depression or anxiety. I constantly feel like I'm a burden to you, but you always reassure me about how much you love me and how badly you want to fix me. But is it really possible to fix someone as broken as me? After every form of trauma, I've gone through...

Anything is possible.

It's because of you that my eyes now see the light that life has to offer. You may not see this until I've become the person I know I can become, but I will show you how much I appreciate what you've done for me. This is the start of my renaissance out of my own dark ages.