The Storm

With each new day that passes… I get a new sense of the feeling “happy” with you.

Happy for me used to be a sad emotion. I was just existing in a monochromatic world. Bland. I was used to just surviving the storm, thinking I wasn’t worthy, or the next tragedy was looming in the shadow of the light of my temporary smile.

A sick sad promise would come floating back every now and then while I’m supposed to be enjoying myself, reminding me that I have a real life to get back to.

Happiness was that friend you bring to the bar that won’t enjoy anything.

Happiness to me was comparable to wanting to read a book so bad, but it had water damage from page one to page 206, and the book is only 208 pages long.

Happiness to me was comparable to getting out of work finally and putting a cigarette in my mouth, after a long 12 hour shift… to find I have no lighter, and I closed the restaurant alone, and no one sensible is around at that hour.

Happiness was something I could never fully dive into, because I was scared that the storm would blow it away.

Happiness was a let down. It looked great before it happened, then after it was anticlimactic. I didn’t allow myself to feel it in the moment, because I was caught in a sick web of anxiety ‘what ifs’ and depression ‘you can'ts.’’ I lost my mind somewhere in the midst of trying to enjoy myself, because I couldn’t stop thinking ‘this happiness will soon end.’ The good times, the happiness, the event I looked forward to for a while, it would all come to an end and I would go back to being… …I would go back to just being. Existing. Gray, stormy waters.

I’m scared to be happy, I’m scared of the calm. The stormy waters is all I know,\. I take comfort in that, because I’ve become accustomed to knowing that all of the things I enjoy will end. I lost so much I love to the storm and had begun to accept that.

But then there was you. Suddenly dropping into my would, blindsiding me with a laugh so beautiful it contained hundreds of colors I hadn’t seen in forever. You began to carry me from the storm, slowly painting my gray world. You reminded me how to laugh again. I forgot to sleep because we would laugh until three in the morning. That’s my new favorite color. Forgetting time.

Forgetting that I don’t have this shadow in the background, this cloud hovering, this gray storm lingering, reminding me it will ruin all that I’ve worked hard to defeat. You carried me from the storm in the most beautiful way, unexpectedly you swept me up and you took me for your own.

Now I see in color. I can laugh and mean it, I know that I will be okay because you’re right there by my side. I am no longer alone in this fight. I see the storm, but it’s at bay. It’s on the horizon. I don’t care what it is we are doing, I can enjoy things again. Honest, true, deep to my soul enjoyment.

You carry me from the storm. With you, I don’t just exist, I enjoy my existence, and that’s better than any gift, any words, any advice, any monetary or material thing. I’ve found my person to walk with and I take comfort in you. I no longer take comfort in the storm. You give me the ability to be happy. You keep me from the storm. You’re my favorite color. And I am truly for the first time ever, honestly, righteously, happy… with you.