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She didn't know he was going to change her life. She didn't expect much from him. She assumed this would end the same way it always did. She would like the guy far more than she should have and he wouldn't feel the same way. They never felt the same so why would he be different?
"I am different, trust me."
The same line she always heard.
"Why should I trust?" She would question.
"Why should I trust you?" She would think.
"What makes you any different?"
He couldn't answer. He couldn't tell her why she should, he just knew she should. He knew what hurt kept her from trusting. He wanted to show her there are good guys left. He wanted to show her that she could put her trust in him.
"You've been hurting. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a man that will treat you with respect and like a queen."
She smiled to herself and looked away. As sweet as his words were, she still felt it would fail. He could sense her uncertainty, so he grabbed her hand and held it.
"You have every right to be unsure. I can tell you the most beautiful things in the world and that wouldn't change your mind." He looked her in the eyes. "So I'll tell you the truth. I'm not perfect. I'm not always right and sometimes I'm not very nice. But I've been hurt by someone I cared about and I know I won't do the same. Now things may not work out but how do we know if we don't try. All I ask is that we try."
She looked down at her hands and thought about what he said. She looked back up into his eyes...
"They're doubting us."
"So let them."
"What if they're right?"
"What if they are?"
"Listen, nothing is ever for certain but I'm willing to try. I'm willing to go the distance for us."
She looked him in his eyes. She felt his truth, she believed his words.
"How do you always know what to say?"
"I don't though, I'm just being honest."
"I know. I'm just scared."
"Because this is new and different for me. I'm not sure what to do."
"Just be patient."
As she sat and thought about what she had just done, she thought about everything she was giving up. Not what she could be giving up but what she was giving up.
He would have her heart and she never ever had gotten that close to anyone besides family. There were times she thought she did but they weren't real. She knew giving her heart would mean giving the power to either hold it and protect it, or break it and leave it. That was something she knew she was afraid of doing.
She knew by walking away she could save herself from the heartbreak. What she didn't count on was her heart and brain working together to betray her actions. She knew if she walked away, she would be walking away from everything she ever wanted and hoped for. She also knew she would be walking away from everything she didn't know she needed.
She stared at the phone waiting for it to ring. Hoping he would undo everything she had done. Hoping he would tear down the wall she was rebuilding in an attempt to keep him out. She didn't know, she felt, he was the one and who would push away "the one?"
She knew what he represented and although her mind kept trying to trip her up, her heart brought her back. But she finally realized what the problem was and as she turned her phone down to silence it for the night he called.
She breathlessly hit the green button and choked into the phone, "I'm scared."
She wasn't happy with her current situation. She knew that she needed to back off but she also knew she couldn't just not fix things. She couldn't help but reflect on everything she did and said and she knew that she was in fact crazy. It wasn't just talk, either. Her behavior proved her to be crazy. She was not proud but she didn't take shame either. She only acted this way with one other man and thinking about him had become easier for her.
She shook her thoughts away, she wanted this possibly to work because she knew how it could be. She knew he loved hard once he started but she didn't realize that once she decided to care she would care just as hard as he loved. It's interesting actually. She never realized she was fully capable of making a fool of herself for anyone. He made her want things no other guy could really make her want. She never wanted kids but the thought of maybe a family with him made her change her mind. She swore she would never date a man in the service of any form and found herself willing to wait for him, us. She never really could admit all the things she wanted but to him it was possible. She felt as if maybe he really saw her, for who she was.
She made herself crazy with the possibility of not having him that instead of rationalising, she snapped. Angry at herself for letting her insecurities disrupt what was just happy a few moments ago. She feared things being over because she would know it was her fault. She felt what his silence could do and she didn't want it anymore. She wanted his voice and his laughter and his sweet words. She felt pissed at her stupid insecurities because even if any of them were true that didn't mean he would leave. She knew she was an unstable messed. A beautiful unstable mess that would love the hell out of any man.
She knew that if he needed her, she would be there anyway, she could even if it wasn't physcial. She knew she can handle the time, the distance and even fight the insecurities for him. What she needed from him was patience. She knew that she was amazing, loving, caring, and beautiful. She just forgot how amazing she was sometimes.
She sat back and looked at her phone and looked at his number. She prayed things would work out. She wanted and needed things to work out because she knew how amazing that love could be. She knew only a crazy man would put up with her, but she knew she was worth it and if he was crazy, then he was smart too. She knew that a smart man would know under all of her craziness was a woman that would never hurt him or his heart.
She just wanted him to know that she's not sorry about caring so much it drove her crazy, but she would try to keep it together because she was the one that was meant to hold him down. Because she knew that it made no sense to let "someone amazing slide through her hands."
She knew this wasn't the end of them because it was just the rocky start of us.