It's been over three months when I learned about my husband's infidelity, which at that time, it had happened six months prior. My world flipped upside down. The worst part? She messaged me through a fake name on Facebook.
The message to this day is still engrained into my brain, "Your husband has something he needs to tell you."
At first, I thought it was a mistake, then I thought it was a joke, but when my husband's eyes started tearing up, I knew it was real.
I couldn't understand it. This is the guy...the only guy that I've ever been with, who I assumed was committed to his vows, and who had always said I would leave the marriage if I didn't think it was working, rather than cheat.
Obviously, that wasn't the case. I couldn't understand why it took him so long to come clean. Why did it take her message to come clean? Would have he came clean....at all?
His reply, "I was waiting for the right time."
I couldn't react. I immediately contacted my friend who is a lawyer and asked him, "What does it take to get a divorced?"
I've always told myself to never stay with someone who cheats or hurts you. But, I wasn't myself. I couldn't function. I cried, got angry, and cried again. I found out everything literally two weeks before our 9th wedding anniversary. [Did I celebrate that? Heck no.]
He apologized profusely, but I wasn't hearing it. I was too angry. Because of my obsessive personality, I tortured myself by wanting to know every single detail of this incident.
We met with my friend in a mediation because he didn't want me to rush my decisions because we have kids. During this ordeal, I've lost respect, trust, and love for this man who became a stranger to me.
Why did I stay? Was it for the kids? No. I didn't stay in my marriage because of our kids. I felt like it wouldn't be fair to me or them. I agreed to work on the marriage.
You see, like any other couple, my husband and I had our ups and downs. We argued and along the way, I think we lost how to communicate with each other. I say that because we weren't on the same page.
We both have a lot of things to work on as humans. Him: Get facts, rather than assume. Stop seeing things only from his perspective. Me: Be more upfront with my feelings.
I'm not going to lie since his infidelity (that he swore only happened once) made me paranoid...baaaaad.
Never before this had I ever checked his phone, rushed him home, or the lot. But now, I always feel like something is going on and he's not telling me. Like before.
I sometimes blame myself for not seeing any of the red flags. Way prior to this incident, a girl that he was friends with as a kid used to text him. I didn't care, but when it was late at night, I had a problem with it.
I told him to tell her to stop and that I would like him not message her at night. He ceased all communication. However, I couldn't understand why he didn't do the same with this chick, who was almost married.
I'll never know.
Anyways, it's a constant struggle because we're having to start over. Especially, with communication. The foundation of our marriage had crumbled into fine powder.
Now, to make this marriage work, we have to lay down new foundations: communication, love, fidelity, and trust.
I struggle because I gave myself a timeline. Why, you ask? (I saved the juicy stuff for last.)
She said that she was pregnant. I understand that people make mistakes.
However, the possibility of having a child outside of the marriage is a deal-breaker for me. I can't deal with that. I just can't.
It's June now and I haven't received any messages, no messages on his phone or Facebook. I don't know if her husband knows, and frankly, don't care. I don't know if its true or not, honestly.
But every day, I'm mentally preparing myself.
I'm afraid that I'll jinx myself. I'm afraid that, if I get to the point of where I'm comfortable (not yet trusting) and ready to start loving my husband again, that she'll pop up out of anywhere.
If she's truly pregnant, and it's not my husband's, then I can release this pressurized weight that's on my back. If she's pregnant and it's his, I have to end my marriage.
I can't handle dealing something that I didn't sign up for. I didn't sign up for an open marriage. I didn't sign up for a "hall pass" marriage. Heck, I didn't even sign up for a marriage of infidelity and I'm having to bite the bullet on that.
I know that after everything...I will never be able to love my husband the same way as before. I feel like after everything...I've lost my strength in a lot of ways.
I feel caged and my emotions are uncontrolled. I can't control it. I struggle with wondering if this going to happen again because he percieves our relationship a certain way, or if he's still in this "fog" (his words) to have the sense to wear protection, but still cheat?
I hate feeling hostage to myself.
Despite repairing this marriage, I'm trying to fix me. Get back to me. Get my strength back. Control my emotions/feelings. Uncage my life. If you were in a similar situation like my own, what did you do?