The Things I Never Got to Tell You Before the Year Ended...

I want to first of start by saying that I in no way blame you for anything. I want to thank you for allowing me to spend time with you. All the time, energy, and memories will always be appreciated. In the beginning, I knew it wouldn’t last; there were things that flagged me down up until the night we had sex. But I don’t regret it, or you, one bit. I still stand by my words, as true and sincere as ever. I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. I brought you to my house, and most importantly let you in. I for so long held us together and in that time, I realized how much you emptied me. How much you took for me emotionally and never gave back. I don’t know who did this to you, because I don’t think you are a bad person, I think we’re just bad for each other. We don’t speak the same language, the same ideologies, stubborn righteousness, music, or taste. I always thought we were magnets you and me, but some magnets over time lose force. We both had to have wanted it bad enough, and when one wants it more than the other, the connection fails...

I want to say that it’s OK. But I don’t feel it. Nor will I explain it because you never listened, not when I expressed my concerns or when you would reassure me with fake concern. The reason for this “letter” is to let it all out. In hopes that maybe I’ll get at least more than three hours of consecutive sleep. To actually let it all out. I won’t put up a front and say that I am OK, because it’s hard to wake up some days and make it through an hour without thinking of you; everything reminds me of you. Even the stars, something so immense as stars hurt my soul. My own drive-way makes me want to cry. I can’t drive past your city without feeling like someone is chucking hot coals down my throat. I’ve stopped saving ticket stubs and looking forward to weekends. As if any of this was owed to you, as if my life just stopped because you decided I wasn’t what you wanted. I feel like an inconvenience to everyone now. And I know I am the one to blame for wanting something more than you ever did. That is all that I am sorry for. I am sorry for projecting my future with you, for allowing you to become such a huge part of my life when I was always clearly a pastime.

And lastly, I want to thank you for creating a stronger person, one who can after all that keep it together when her little brother shares screenshots of weeks on end of your comments on a girl's Instagram profile, on a ride home after thanksgiving dinner. I always knew it had to be something; my instinct never fails. I’m just mad at myself for giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you for teaching me how to break in places I’ve never been broken before.

I wish I could end this on a better note. However, you probably are, seeing as how easily you keep yourself entertained when something isn’t of your liking.

Happy New Year. I hope you grow into a better person.