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The Truly-Toxic Lover

Defining Toxicity in a Romantic Relationship

By Zach JensenPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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A major buzz-word in the relationship world these days is “toxicity” and/or whether or not you're in a “toxic relationship.” But, before we can truly decide whether we are in a toxic relationship, we must first determine what makes a person toxic, poisonous or hazardous to your health.

According to a 2016 Psychology Today article by Abigail Brenner, M.D., all toxic people have the same eight characteristics in common. These toxic behaviors include:

  1. They are manipulative. It may seem like they are a narcissist, because they use other people to get what they want, and there is no gray area. Their primary motive, in all relationships, is only to get what they want, and no one can change that in them.
  2. They are judgmental and often critical of others, including you. They will criticize things about you that make you question yourself, and if you try to confront them on their criticism of you, they will either lie to get themselves out of the corner or even criticize you for criticizing them.
  3. They don't own their feelings. Instead, their feelings are projected onto you, in the form of verbal attacks and insults.
  4. They don't apologize for anything they have done, and they play the victim when talking about past relationships, in order to gain sympathy from a potential friend or romantic partner.
  5. They cannot be relied upon for anything and are inconsistent. A toxic person will often change their core perspectives, opinions, beliefs, and even their morals based solely on how they feel at a given time. And, this includes relationships. They could claim to love you one day and leave you the next under a cloud of projection and criticism.
  6. They make you prove yourself to them. In order to get what they want, they make you sacrifice friendships, relationships, plans, goals, and desires, by saying something like, “If you love me, you will do this” or “If you were really this way, you would do this for me.”
  7. They make you defend yourself, because they are never wrong, and instead of focusing on solutions (optimism), they focus on problems (pessimism).
  8. They simply don't care about you or what you want, and if it seemed like they did in the beginning, it was likely because they were manipulating you to get what they wanted.

Regardless of their romantic relationship status, Brenner said toxic people always exhibit these behaviors. In short, being in any type of a relationship, be it a platonic friendship or otherwise, is like being in a relationship with a drug addict; all they are capable of caring about is their next high, and they will do and say nearly anything to do get it.

If you're already in a romantic relationship with a toxic lover, they're not difficult to spot ... from the outside. However, if the non-toxic partner was raised in a negative or abusive household, they may have a more difficult time realizing they're being psychologically abused by their toxic partner.

In an October 2017 Glamour article, award-winning sex therapist and best-selling author Dr. Gloria Brame said, "For them, toxic relationships are a norm. Learning the verbal/behavioral signs of an abusive personality is a critical learning skill for everyone who dates."

The Glamour article listed 12 expertly-defined signs that “you” are in a relationship with a toxic partner, a few of which include:

  1. Irregular or harmful text messages. In a healthy relationship, SMS histories will show that both partners care about the relationship enough to respond to a message in a reasonable amount of time and with an appropriate response. In a toxic relationship, however, the toxic partner may allow hours or even days to pass before they respond to a text message. They only text when they really want and when they really want something.
  2. Withholding or demanding sex. A toxic partner doesn't care if you're in the mood; only whether or not they, themselves desire sexual contact in that moment. And, as a sort of punishment for not doing what they want to do, they may intentionally withhold sexual intimacy for extended lengths of time; not because they're not horny but because they know their abstinence is driving you crazy and, in all reality, hurting you.
  3. Becoming distant after an argument. Couples argue. In a healthy relationship, though, both partners argue as if they have a partnership between them, in which both partners are working toward the common goal of being happy together. A toxic significant other however, will not bear in mind that they are in a relationship when an argument occurs. And, instead of apologizing, they often become intentionally distant, again, in order to punish their partner for arguing with them, because the toxic person is never wrong. They may even insist that you apologize for arguing with them and reward you for your apology by granting you sexual contact, one of the most common forms of manipulation.
  4. Threatening to break up with you. A toxic romantic partner often threatens to break up or fakes breaking up with their partner, again, in order to punish their partner for a perceived wrong-doing.
  5. Ghosting. This is when a romantic partner suddenly disappears, often after an argument or a misunderstanding, without returning texts, emails or phone calls. Known as one of the cruelest forms of passive-aggressive “punishment,” a toxic partner sees this behavior as perfectly acceptable. And, in some cases, they will even return to their ghosted partner after several days, weeks or months and act as if nothing has happened.

If your significant other exhibits any of the aforementioned behaviors (it doesn't have to be all of them), they very well may be a toxic person and may actually be poisoning your relationship and thus creating a health hazard in your life. And, in that case, experts agree the only cure, if one partner is not willing to work toward real happiness in the partnership, is to leave the toxic person in order to save yourself from becoming a victim of their abusive behaviors.

“Your time and energy are essential for your own life,” Brenner said in the Psychology Today article. “Don’t be overly willing to give them away.”

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional, psychological or physical abuse in a relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

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About the Creator

Zach Jensen

An an award-winning Associated Press crime writer, I now focus my efforts on op-ed pieces about mental health, criminal justice, political and disability rights issues. Occasionally, I crank out some comedy, poetry and first person fiction.

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