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Recently I went through a divorce which was neither civil nor outright terrible. Over the past two and a half years I went from making the hardest choice I can remember ever making to taking one step at a time to become someone better, not just for me but for those I care about, namely... my son. My ex-wife fought every step of the way and made every step toward this new life as painful as she could... although she would have you believe that she was innocent of everything.
The truth of it is that I felt like I have to fight and push for any progress to be made and that I had to accept any and every decision she made because I was across an ocean and I don't want to lose my son more than I already feel I have, and so I just hung my head, signed everything I was sent, and let it all tear me apart inside. After signing these last papers and just recently getting the final court order finalizing everything I thought I would feel better.
I didn't think I would jump and celebrate, but I thought I could breathe and finally let go of some of my inner stress so I could move forward with my life and figure out how to best get myself back upright so that my son will have a dad around for a long while, instead of a dad who wanted to just disappear and let the world be a better place without him in it. The truth is another story.
Instead, I opened the papers, read through the court order and feel even more conflicted than before. I have yet to compare signed copies but I swear more was put into the final papers than the ones I signed and sent to be filed. I'm not overly concerned about the additions, but they feel like yet another backhanded effort to throw in my face what a horrible person she thinks I should feel like. Couple that with a recent blocking of me being able to spend some long overdue time with my son and I feel like I want to break down constantly.
I tried to be the best son I could be growing up, then moved on to be the best boyfriend, and husband I could and finally trying to be the best father I can muster up, but I knew for a long time that I was slowly dying inside and I couldn't tell anyone. When I finally opened my mouth I was met with nothing but grief and aggression from all I thought had loved and cared for me. My family suddenly wasn't mine anymore, my extended family was my enemy, and as a result, I pulled away from almost everyone I knew.
I'm not saying that I was a perfect person, far from it, but I tried to be the best that I could be, but being a father, and mentor to your spouse, and your child, and a different person for everyone else in your life is a tiring job. I found comfort in the arms of a friend who has become my support and arms to comfort me. Not only has she supported me in every struggle over this period of my life, but her family has offered nothing but support and a sounding board through it all.
They have done so much that the bonds between her and I, and her family and me have grown so strong that I don't think I could break them if I tried...if for some stupid reason I wanted to try. This support has been one of the only things that have kept me upright through these years. They have offered me support and a listening ear while always offering honest advice, even if that advice was hard to hear at times. There is a problem though...this support network is about to become much more strained.
I move back to the States in the next weeks and I cannot take my other half with me just yet. This means that not only will my best support network be over 6,000 miles away from me, I'll also be surrounded by everyone who has fought against, criticized, and judged me through this whole ordeal. To say that there is some inner turmoil going on in me would be a gross understatement.
I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I know I'm going to talk, and chat, and visit over here as much as possible. I know that I going to try and spend as much time as my new job will permit me with my son. I try to find everything I can to calm me down. Yet nothing is a comfort for what is about to happen. I feel more of this pain every day and I'm more and more lost when I try to figure out how to see the way ahead.
I wish I could write something inspiring to any readers, and myself, about how I'm going to stand strong and forge ahead through until I find the light. I wish I could say that the time away from those I love will be hard but it will be over before I know it. The truth is that I'm lost and tumbling through the darkness right now and I can't seem to find a handhold to stop my falling.... not yet, anyway, but stay tuned and maybe we can find a handhold together.