The Unmarried Divorce

Well, you certainly did not "tie the knot," and quite frankly, all those YEARS you have put in just left you here. A relationship that is ending, things to be split, but no middle man to make this transition easy.

I was with my ex-boyfriend for over 7 years. It was a bittersweet, out of high school, meant to be, could never change, irreplaceable romance. We were going to complete college, buy a home, get married, have 2.5 kids (I never actually could quite grasp what people meant when they said that), and grow old together. If you count us moving into a 1 bedroom apartment, that cost way more than it's worth, surrounded by "questionable" neighbors and student loan debt "the dream" well... we found it.

We started fresh. We bought TVs, washers, dryers, refrigerators, microwaves, game systems, dishes, towels, couches, chairs, tables, rugs, and more. We opened accounts with cable companies, electric companies, gas companies, cell phone companies, not to mention we shared insurance on cars. We bought a dog, named him Jack, and a cat we called Dee. We created their habits and feeding times. We bought a new bed, with new sheets that took us hours to pick out. We slept in that bed so comfortably. The brand new pillows were a dream after those long 3 years of old ones, the bed was comfy when I spent nights alone in it, it was too big when I started spending all my nights alone in it.

Was this what it had come down to? I guess I would take the bed since I slept it in it most and I had grown used to sleeping in it alone. I guess he can have the couch since he spends most his time sleeping on it. What about our other things? What about the rent that will still be due and the lease that isn't up? Where do you turn when "divorce" isn't happening here? Where you have absolutely no ties to things except you shared the expenses? Who decides who gets to live with what? Who decides who has to leave?

Divorce, I imagine, is a tough decision to come to. I am certain that you made a commitment and most times would like to stay and fight. Being unmarried I think leaves a sense of "easy exit." What is keeping you here? You have no reason to stay. I understand you have spent years together, you have built this foundation, but you have not nurtured it. You have not planned for the departure. If it has come to be decided that ending the relationship is best, then here is my basic advice:

1. Grab paper and a pen.

You should write things down so you know you have covered topics and are able to keep track so you leave no situation unattended. You want to make sure you are not leaving each other worse off. This is already tough for both of you.

2. Living Situation

Discuss who will be staying or if you will both be leaving. If you both plan to leave then decide if you are going to speak to your landlord directly or who will be doing so. Not all landlords will be understanding so I will get to that in a moment. If you decide to speak with your landlord or leaseholder you should be prepared and be ready to be raw about it. Explain your situation, financial situation, and offer to help replace yourselves as tenants. If the landlord will not budge you are going to have to either stick it out for the remainder of time or the person choosing to leave will financially need to help for a few months.

3. Animals

I personally feel this is the toughest to discuss. Are you going to treat this like a child situation and allow visits? Who do the animals depend on more? Could the animals be separated? This is something you both will have to NOT be selfish about and think about the best interest for the animals. This will be hard on them also. Be fair. However, do whatever you possibly can do without needing to get rid of an animal.

4. Material Items

Make a list of big items. Sell what you do not need. For example, if you are both moving back in with parents or moving somewhere that already has a washer, dryer, refrigerator, etc, then sell to make some cash to split up. If you have a TV in the living room and also another room, then 1 per person. Couches, stands, beds; discuss it. Whatever you do not want to take, sell or donate. Vehicles, if more than 1 make sure you split accordingly, change all information over immediately. If money is owed on vehicles, then the person taking the one that is owed upon is now responsible for that payment.

5. Accounts/Bills

Call around to cancel services or to lower your services. If you financially will not be able to afford it on your own, if someone decides to stay, then cancelling may be the best choice. Make sure ALL bills are current and up to date. Do not leave your partner responsible for the final payments. Make sure the bills are out of your names together, finalize, and open new accounts for yourselves.

6. The Small Things

Dishes, rugs, shower curtains, etc. These things are most likely easily replaced. I would suggest heading to some yardsale sites and not worry yourselves with packing them up. Unless, of course, someone is staying.

7. Personal/Memories

The picture on the fridge from the last time you went out to visit the mountains? Your last beach trip sand bottle? The Christmas ornament your gram bought you? In a moment like this, when two people are falling apart, those are usually the things that they don't want. I suggest divide it anyway. Pack the items in a box, tape it shut, and take it somewhere that it can be stored. At the current moment, you are ending a terrible moment in your life but it does not, however, make all the moments you spent together terrible. Someday, after the healing process comes, you will want to be able to look back on those moments, even just for a glimpse of it.

Ending a relationship can be a traumatizing thing in one's life, but it doesn't have to be a terrible experience altogether. Remember to be fair. Open the communication. Do not, however, be too fair. You are not solely responsible for cleaning up the mess that it has become. Do your best to keep it classy and then take yourself on a vacation (if you can't afford a vacation, rely on your friends to bring over the bottle of wine and bad foods).

Best of luck, xoxo