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I never thought I'd be the one out of my friends to do self-harm, I never thought I'd do drugs either... I couldn't bring myself to believe that I had turned out this way, from an innocent teen to a horrible one after just a couple of years. I am Kendall and this is my story.
I woke up for yet another horrible day of school. Yes I know I'm probably not the first teen in the world to say that I do not like school as much as others. But the real reason behind it is that I get bullied all day every day; it's like it's on a continuous loop, and you want to know why I get bullied? It's because I am gay. People in my school hate gays... That's why I have no friends...
I laid in bed for a short while watching the sun beams flicker on my ceiling because my cat was in the window. I sighed. Today is just another day of which I am going to wish I killed myself two years ago today, I thought. I heard my cat meow and got up out of bed to pet her, she was the prettiest cat ever, a calico tabby mix.
"Hello, Mix," I said. Mix just meowed at me like she usually did, like she was saying hello. I was glad to have her, she's better than having siblings... When I came out of the closet in fifth grade to my parents they had then decided that they didn't want any more children. They thought one gay kid was enough and they didn't want the other child or children to turn out like I did.
I picked her up from the windowsill and held her in my arms and as usual, she positioned her self so that she was draped over my right shoulder. I could hear my mother yelling at my father some unknown reason... Yes, they were having marital issues but I didn't really want to get in between that and be sent back up to my room. So I sat with Mix on my bed while trying to think of what clothes to wear to school that would not make me look gay.
I set Mix down on the bed and walked over to my dresser to get some clothing, and as always I brought some over to Mix so she could choose for me. I know weird right? Having your cat choose your clothing for you? But with Mix, it's more of her talent, and man oh man has she saved me from some disastrous fashion failures.
I brought my clothing over to Mix and she simply wanders over to the small shirt pile first and started digging through it, almost as if she were a dog. She had found a nice blue plaid top, I nodded at her smiling. Such a smart little kitty, I thought. Next Mix wandered over to the jeans and right away she went for the black ones, because of course blue and black go perfectly together, especially when you're punched in the face!
Finally, I moved away from Mix and put away all the other clothing, I grabbed some boxers and socks, then headed to the bathroom to change. I never did like changing in front of Mix, even though she is not a human girl it still doesn't feel right, especially if you are a gentleman such as myself. When I was finally dressed I walked out of the bathroom with a new kind of confidence, I hadn't had confidence in a while, but I knew today would be the day that I wouldn't be beaten up.
I walked over to Mix and scratched her head before telling her goodbye when I did she meowed back as if saying goodbye to me as well. But she never technically left me, she followed me all around the house until I had to leave. When I got downstairs I walked straight to the kitchen with my little cat behind me.
"Goodmorning, mother, what is for breakfast this fine morning?" I asked.
"Oh, Kendall, your usual favorite, oatmeal and eggs with orange juice!" My mother replied with a smile on her face.
"Thank you, mother, you are definitely the best." I laughed while taking a seat on a nearby chair.
"No, no thank you, Kendall, I love you and how polite you are! Much more polite than your father can be at times." My mother said enthusiastically.
"Well um... Thanks." I said.
I began eating and while I was eating my mother fed Mix some tuna, her favorite food and it always had been since she was just a kitten. I couldn't help but watch my little angel eat her food, sometimes it was so funny to watch her because she'd end up having some of it on her nose. I looked from Mix to my mother.
Ah, my mother, she's been married to my father for almost fifteen years, and in my opinion, he is a total dick. I blame him for me being gay, only because he's a total dick. I mean when I was little I watched him beat my mother all the time and every once and a while he'd beat me to. And he'd beat me most of the time just because he was either A) bored or B) wanted to give me the punishment for something that I had done long ago. I hate him with a passion but I'm learning to live with it.
I looked out the window and watched a little bird flying up into the tree to be with its mother and father, where it was meant to be. I wish it was like that for me... Not the flying part but the part where we were all happy and everything was right in the household. I mean, just last week I heard my mother and father fighting over something and I think it was that dad was cheating on mom with some other woman name Ivy. Like what the fuck dad? If you married her you're supposed to be committed to her and only her as well as your only child! You fucking asshole of a fucking cunt bag.
I saw the bus pull up and sighed, I had just finished eating so I quickly walked to the sink and put my dishes into it. I hugged my mother goodbye and before I left her I gave her a kiss on the cheek, and I picked up Mix and gently gave her a stroke down her back and a kiss on the forehead and cheek. I waved goodbye as I walked out the doorway and my mother watched me through the window until I got on the bus. I sighed and thought to myself 'another day of hell another day to think of a way to kill myself and do it.
When I got onto the bus I went straight for the back, because I really did not want to be noticed, especially in a bus like this one. Everyone on this bus either hated me or beat me up at one point or another, so I walked with my head up to the back of the bus, making it look like I had total confidence. This confidence I did not have, truthfully I was scared and panicky inside... That if I walked the wrong way or something I would get beat up, but thankfully everyone just seemed to ignore me, which was weird considering I always got jeered at and what not in the bus before school.
When I made it to the back of the bus and curled up next to the window immediately, I only did this though so I was never hardly seen, nor did I want to be. The bus ride seemed to take forever and my cell phone never went off until we reached the bus stop of the prettiest girl in the whole school. She walked down the aisle and was going to sit where I was sitting. Oh my god, I thought, Is the prettiest girl in school actually going to sit with me?
But of course, she sat down beside me, I felt so excited that I may have actually bounced out of my seat. She looked at me and smiled, I looked back but didn't give a smile because I was quite confused as to why she would be sitting with me of all people. I mean, I am not straight nor that good looking... So why would she be sitting with me exactly?
"Hey." She whispered.
"Hi." I replied.
"I'm guessing your name is Kendall?" She asked.
"Yeah... Um... Jessica right?" I said.
"Yeah that's me, listen I have something to tell you that no one else can know about..." She whispered.
"Okay, what is it Jessica?" I asked keeping my voice quiet.
" I think I might be lesbian." She replied quietly.
"Really? Wow!" I exclaimed quietly.
"Yes, so please do not tell anyone... I don't need to be made fun of like you are." She whispered.
"Okay, that's fair," I said putting an arm around her.
She leaned into me and put her head on my shoulder, I let out a small sigh and I could hear her let out a small little giggle. I could hear people whispering all around us, all I could hear were the whispers of rumors that began to grow on the bus, but I simply did not care and nor did Jessica. After all, we were considered friends now, right? Right.
The first thing that happened when I got off the bus and said bye to Jessica as we parted our ways to go to our morning classes, I got beat up. Not only beat up but told off by her latest boyfriend, Paul Lucks, and the whole time I thought, Oh my god, what the fuck man? She doesn't tell you her secrets but she'll tell me. Lucky I could out run him and get to class before he caught me and could finish me off.
When I got into my first class, which happened to be English I went and sat beside a new student of which I did not know. I smiled at her as I took the seat beside her and she just stared at me as if I were something to make fun of.
"Hi, I'm Kendall," I said.
"Hello, I am Shi." She said with a giggle.
"Well hello, Shi! So what does your name mean?" I asked.
"My name means death in Japanese." She replied.
"Oh cool, cool! I love your name." I whispered.
"Thanks and I like yours too." She said smiling.
The bell rang and we turned to face the front of our desks, were very uncomfortable I might add, I mean it was hard to turn sideways to talk to someone let alone turn to face forward. Our English teacher was Mr. Jones. He looked liked he was in his mid-twenties and for some reason, I found him very attractive. I didn't know why exactly but he had this vibe, that I've never gotten off a teacher before, like a hint of sexy beast mixed in with bad boy mixed with an everyday teacher. It was so messed up and I was just confused so I gave up on trying to read him.
Mr. Jones had given us the assignment to work on. We had to pick someone from Greek mythology and do research on them, as well as write an essay. I could feel Shi's eyes on me and I looked at her and mouthed the word "what" and she mouthed back "I don't know what Greek mythology is can you help me?" I just nodded at her and we went back to paying attention. God this class is so boring, I thought, why does grade eleven English have to be so boring?
Soon enough the bell rang and I was over joyed, I practically tripped running out the door and I could tell that Shi was following right behind me. I sighed and slowed down so she could follow me along to my locker.
"Why are you following me?" I asked.
"I have no clue where I am to go to my next class, can you help me?" She said
"Sure, um... Let me see your class schedule." I replied.
"Here." She said handing it to me.
"Aha, you have next class with me as well, you may as well follow me then since we are headed to the same classroom anyway," I replied with a laugh.
"Okay." She replied.
I grabbed my next class binder out of my locker and slammed it shut. "Come on." I said to Shi. She nodded and followed behind me, she looked as though she was a small puppy so scared with her tail between her legs. I had to try hard not to laugh at her, I mean my first year here, I was scared as hell as well, so I completely understood why she felt the way she did.
"This your first year here?" I asked.
"No, I am actually in the same grade as you are, it's just that this is a new school and I feel quite lost." She replied.
"Aha, I see. Anyways we are almost there, just a left down that next hallway." I said pointing down the hallway.
"Oh good." She whispered.
When we reached the class she sat beside me, I kind of felt a little weirded out because she was sitting so close to me. Nonetheless, she was still scared and not comfortable here yet so to me it was understandable, I would've been the same way if this school respected gays. Which again I say they don't and I think it is quite wrong that they do not.
The class we were in was art. Ah art, I loved to draw. I did it all the time when I was younger and I even do it now and then on my notes in class. I get yelled at all the time and I try to get around it by saying, "I'm expressing my creativity" or "It relates to the topic you're teaching, so shouldn't it count for bonus marks?" But that never did get my grade any higher, I usually ended up with way lower grades than I should have.
Shi was looking at me again and I sighed. Can you stop staring at me? If you wanna make fun of me or whatever just do it already, I thought. Finally, the teacher came in, the teacher's name was Ms. Robin she was quite nice so I knew I would enjoy the course. Our first assignment was to draw what we hold dear to us, and of course, I drew my family in great detail, making sure to get every line right. I handed it in before the rest of the class was finished their's and everyone was just gaping at me as if I were an alien or something. I went back to my seat and sat down, and Shi was still looking at me.
"Shi not to be rude, but why do you keep looking at me?" I asked.
"I think you're cute." She mumbled.
"I'm sorry what?" I asked.
"I think you're cute." She whispered.
"Thank you, but my door only swings one-way sweetie," I replied kindly.
"Oh, so you're gay? That's okay, I used to be a man." She whispered.
"Wow, really? No way! You're lying." I replied.
"I am not Kendall." She replied, a slight smile appearing on her face.
"So you had a sex change because you were gay I presume?" I asked.
"Yes, in Japan it is not right for a man to love another man, so I became a woman so I could love men." She giggled.
"Well then," I whispered.
"So, do you want to go out with me?" She asked.
"Um... No thank you." I replied.
"Okay, that's fine! I know we'll be great friends though!" She smiled.
I sighed as the bell rang ending class. God, I thought, Why can't you just kill me now? No one excepts me or anything. I got up and walked out of the class, but before I knew it I was on the ground and then everything went black.
I was half conscious in the hallway as I was put onto a stretcher, I could hear some kids laughing other screaming, and some even calling my name out of sorrow. I saw Jessica and Shi, they were holding each other crying, Jessica tried to make a move to grab my hand but one of the paramedics pushed her back. Shi dragged Jessica back and my only two friends watched me as I was rolled out of the school. I could tell they were very worried and wanted to come with me to the hospital. All of a sudden everything went black again.
I woke up in the hospital dazed and confused, I looked around the room and saw nothing but white, white and more white. I sighed and stared at the ceiling for what seemed like forever until there was a quiet knock on the door. Wonder who came to see me..., I thought.
"Come in!" I yelled to the person standing behind the door.
The person came in quickly and quietly and stood at the foot of my bed, I looked up and saw it was Shi. She must have come to check up on me, I thought. She looked a bit scared and nervous, I had to wonder what she was thinking about at this time.
"Are you alright Kendall?" She asked.
"I think so, I do not appear to have too bad a damage done," I replied smiling.
"You might want to have a look at your head." She whispered pulling out a mirror from the purse she was carrying.
"My head? Why?" I asked as I took the mirror from her.
"Now do you see?" She asked.
"Yeah, I see now," I said trying to hold back tears.
Shi walked over to the side of the bed, so she could stand beside me, she put one of her hands on my shoulder and gently rubbed my back. Why me, I thought. I heard another knock on the door and Shi looked at me then the door. She walked over to it and opened it, this time wanting entrance was Jessica. I guess she heard about me little spill as well, I thought.
Jessica ran over to me and had tears in her eyes, I let her sit beside me so I could put my arms around her, and she sobbed into my shoulder. Wow for once I actually have friends who care, I thought. I looked from Jessica to Shi and back, and sighed and gave them a half-hearted smile. They weakly smiled back at me.
Twenty minutes later there was yet another knock on the door and Jessica went to answer it this time, she really did not want me getting up off the bed. This time it was the nurse, she told both Jessica and Shi to get out and that visiting hours were over. Shi nodded her head and left, Jessica on the other hand, she had negotiated to stay and the nurse allowed it.
Soon after the nurse was gone Jessica wandered back over to the bed where a was lying, and she gently stroked my hair. I couldn't help but smile at her, I mean she was the prettiest girl at school and she was talking to me and was my friend. She gently leaned in and kissed my forehead which made me blush with embarrassment.
"Kendall, I think I should go now." She whispered.
"Go? But it's so late." I whined.
"I know, but my parents are probably wondering where the hell I am." She replied.
"Alright, alright." I sighed.
"I'll come back and visit you every day." She said smiling.
"Just saying, I may only be in here for another couple of days," I replied.
"I know, but nonetheless I will visit you every day." She giggled.
She gave me a kiss on the cheek and left, I moved over on the bed to the side that was a little colder, I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. I couldn't fall asleep and I missed home as well as my little Mixy Wixy, I hope she was doing okay. I sighed again and closed my eyes, and quickly fell into a deep slumber.
The next morning I woke up and looked around the same room with the same white walls, the doctor that had come in seemed glad that I had finally woke up. Shi and Jessica were there as well, and of course, Shi was practically wrapped around Jessica Jesus, get a room, I thought. The doctor slowly walked up to me and stood at the end of my bed.
"Ah, Mr. Carrier, I see you have finally awakened from your slumber." He said.
"Mhm, yeah... Can I be discharged now?" I asked.
"Um... Not yet, Mr. Carrier, we have one last little test to do on you before you leave, so if you would just come with me." He said.
"Okay, sir." I got up out of bed.
He looked at me and sighed, then began walking to the door. He slowly opened it for me and waved my through first, I waited until he was outside the door and then followed closely behind him. Soon enough he had led us the what seemed like an X-ray room of some kind. He pointed over to the table of which I was to sit at first.
"Mr. Carrier if you would care to lie down, then we can get started." He said.
"Okay." I sighed and lied down.
The doctor brought the X-ray machine thingy near my head and I just stared up at the ceiling because there was nothing better to do. All I could hear was the beep noise and a white noise as well which was bothering the hell out of me.
"Alright Mr. Carrier, we're all finished here, you may head back to your room and get dressed, and while you do that I will write your discharge papers." He said.
"Okay and thanks," I replied as I got off the table.
I walked back to my room, as soon as I got in there Shi and Jessica were all over me, and I couldn't help but laugh. They moved away from me though so I could get dressed and as soon as I was dressed they were all over me again. We walked out of the hospital together, hands in hand, like a bunch of little kids in the park or something. I smiled at each of them and they were smiling and more than quite content.
When we reached the parking lot I walked straight to my car and went to get into the driver's seat, but Jessica pushed me away from it. I just looked at her dazed and confused, kind of like a lost puppy expression, she looked back at me and just sighed.
"What?" I asked.
"Kendall! Don't you realize you just got out of the hospital? And that you're still suffering from head trauma." She yelled.
"God sorry, I thought I was fine to drive," I said practically hiding behind Shi.
"No, no it's fine, it's my fault. Seriously though let either me or Shi drive, I mean we do have our driver's licenses." She replied apologetically.
"Fine, I pick Shi to drive." I sighed.
Shi nodded and got into the driver's seat and Jessica got into the back of the car, we quickly put on our seat belts and sped out of the parking lot. I can't believe someone is driving for me, I thought, Ah, their friends and they're worried about me and stuff, so I might as well let them do as they please until I feel fine again.
When we finally arrived at my house Jessica and Shi both kissed me goodbye, they got out of my car and waved goodbye before going on their way. I sighed and turned to open the door to my house, once I got it open I quickly got inside before it decided it was going to rain outside. I walked over to the couch and called Mix, she meowed quietly and walked her way towards me, my mother wasn't home or else she would be wondering where I was for the past day.
I was glad it was just Mix and I, I slowly stroked her back then scratched her head, I felt happy for the first time in my life. So happy I didn't know what to do, at least now all I could think about was not ending my life, actually all I could think about was Shi, Jessica and the secret admirer that left notes in my locker every day....
I laid down on the couch after a while, and just stared up at the ceiling. I could hear my mother father coming up the driveway so I scooped up Mix and we headed up to my room. I quickly took off my clothes and got dressed in just pj pants, then quickly jumped into my bed. Mix went to her usual spot on the windowsill and looked outside, meowing. I could hear my parents coming through the door now and I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I could hear my mother's quiet footsteps as she walked up the stairs, my door creaked as she looked inside and I could hear her give a sigh of relief. Probably thinks I'm fine, I thought.
Once my mother was finally gone, I fell into a deep sleep while thinking of who my admirer could be.
The next morning I woke up with a start, my cat was lying on top of me for no reason. God, I thought, Mix scared the living hell out of me. Mix stirred and looked at me then let out a quiet mew, I shook my head and laughed at her. I sat up and gently put her onto the floor so she could follow me around my room the way she always did.
"So what do you think I should wear today mix?" I asked. She gave a pleasant meow as if saying, "I don't know Kendall."
I walked over to my dresser and did as I usually did in the morning, I grabbed different pieces of clothing and brought them over to the bed so Mix could choose. Today it was a plain black t-shirt and baggy blue jeans with a plaid belt, I nodded to Mix as if saying thank you and grabbed a pair of boxers and socks. Then headed to the bathroom to change.
After I was changed I headed to the mirror and combed my hair differently, I combed it back and then slabbed it with some hair gel. I looked at Mix afterward and smiled, she gave a meow and I giggled.
"Why thank you Mix," I said smiling and gave a small bow. I opened the door and Mix was right behind me, following me as always. When I got downstairs, for the first time I was face to face with my father, I was both nervous, scared but also pissed. I gave him a dirty look before walking over to my mother to give her a hug.
"Sabrina I want a divorce." My father mumbled.
"Why Corey?" My mother asked.
"Kendall can you go outside or something please? I need to talk to your mother alone with this." He said with a sigh.
"Okay." I sighed while handing my mother a little recording device so she could record the conversation for me.
I grabbed two bowls and some wet cat food for Mix, then I headed up to my room with Mix following close behind. It was almost as if she was scared of what was to be talked about. I sighed and ran up the stairs so they could hurry up and have their talk so I could spend time with the parents that actually cared for me that and I wanted breakfast. I was starving.
When I finally got upstairs the first thing I did was go to the bathroom to fill up a bowl of water for Mix, I walked back to my room as slowly as I could so I would not splash it everywhere. When I got to my room I set the bowl with the water in it down, then walked to the door, closed it, then locked it tight. I walked back to the spot of where I set Mix's water bowl and picked up the second bowl that was beside it. I opened up the cat food can and put the food into the bowl. I slowly set it down and as soon as I sent it down on the floor Mix dove right in. Silly Mix, you're going to have it all over your face, I thought.
Since I was up in my room all I could hear was a whole lot of yelling coming from my mother and father and for some reason, I feared both of them all of a sudden. I walked over to my bookshelf and grabbed one of my favorite books of all time. It was called The Secret. I hurried back to my bed and sat down with in my lap, I really didn't want to read but what else was there to do when your mother and father are fighting and your father is speaking of divorce. I opened up the book to the first page and began reading. Seems like just two years ago I read this book... People thought I was weird because I was reading a girls book, but I didn't care then and I do not care now, I thought.
Finally, when the yelling stopped I heard the front door open and then slam shut and the car being driven out of the driveway. I could hear my mother's footsteps, they were way slower than they should be. Before she had a chance to knock on the door I opened it and practically pushed her inside and locked the door once again, just in case my father came back.
"Here." My mother sighed handing me the recorder.
"Mom? Are you okay?" I asked.
"No, Kendall I'm not. I have no clue what the hell I am going to do now that your father wants a divorce, I mean he was the only way we had money. I don't even have a fucking job, Kendall! What am I supposed to do?" My mother sobbed.
"Mom, it's okay we'll get through this, dad is a total cunt bag, but at least I'm not like that. From now on I'll take care of you, I'll take care of us, I'll get a part time job and I'll help you look for one. I won't let us end up in the poor house." I said walking over to her.
"I know Kendall, and to be honest I always loved you more than your father. You are my pride and joy Kendall please remember that, and if anything ever happened to me, you'll need to get on with your life. Okay?" My mother said walking right over to me and embracing me in a hug.
"Okay, mom." I sighed.
I looked at her and she looked back with teary, tired and sad eyes, I wiped away her tears and she began to smile for some reason. I couldn't help but smile back.
"Mom, I think I have to go to school now, the bus is here," I said quietly.
"Okay Kendall, I'll text you throughout the day." She whispered.
"Okay, mom." I said giving her one last hug.
I tore down the stairs and grabbed my backpack, and ran out the front door. Luckily I caught the bus before it left without me. I walked down the aisle to my usual seat and found that Jessica and Shi were waiting for me as always now, it was like a regular thing. I smiled at them and sat down, and of course, they both curled up close to me immediately, which made me blush a little bit. Come on guys that's embarrassing, I thought. I heard the regular jeers from everyone as we sat together, and as usual, we just ignored it.
When we finally got to school Jessica and I said our goodbye's for the morning and Shi followed my to my locker because we had first class together. When we got to my locker there was another note left in there from my admirer, and this time it had a name on it.
I've been admiring you for a while now and I think it's time to say who I am, you will probably not know me considering we have never met before. I always see you around the school and how good you are to your friends, peers, and teachers, which is the reason why I like you. So anyway to get on with it, my name is Riley Hecox. Like I said before you may or may not have seen me before or know who I am. But I want you to meet me in the cafeteria and have lunch with me today and do let your friends come.
I sighed and looked at Shi and she gave me a sideways look, and I couldn't help but laugh at her, then I handed the note to her and she gasped. I blushed lightly at the thought of a boy who might actually like me. Shi looked at me and giggled, I knew she could see the blush and could tell that I liked the fact that someone finally liked me.
"Looks like someone might have a boyfriend." She said with a smile.
"Yeah." I giggled and got my first class binder out of my locker before slamming it shut.
Shi followed behind me, almost as close as Mix had this morning. What is it with girls and wanting to be so close to me, I asked myself mentally. When we got into the classroom we took our usual seats, which were in the back of the class. It seemed as though the class had passed in a blur because we did and learned so much. Second class went just as fast, it kind of felt weird to me that the day was going by so fast. Shi and I were the first two to walk out of the classroom and when we reached my locker Jessica was waiting there for us.
"Hey, guys!" She exclaimed with a smile on her face.
"Hey," I said.
"Hi," Shi replied.
"Ready for lunch?" Jessica asked.
"Yeah about that, I actually have plans with someone else for lunch today," I replied as I put my second class binder into my locker.
"Ooo someone's going to have a boyfriend." Jessica squealed.
"Just shut it, Jess." I sighed.
"Sorry." She mumbled.
Shi gave her a light punch in the arm, once my second class binder was in my locker we all walked to the cafeteria together. We walked arm in arm today, which was different than the way we usually walked which was hand in hand. When we reached to the cafeteria we split up, Jessica and Shi waved goodbye as they walked to our usual table and I waited by the door so Riley could find me. Soon enough he walked through the door and looked over to me with a huge smile on his face. Overly happy much, I thought.
"Ah, you must be Kendall." He whispered.
'Yeah, that's me." I said trying to hide my blush.
"Aw that's cute your blushing," He said. "Come on, follow me. Our table is all the way at the back of the cafeteria so no one can bother us, I actually have my own body guards."
"Wow really?" I asked.
"Yeah really, now come on." He said taking my hand and dragging me half way there.
He pulled a chair out for me and I tried hard not to giggle and blush even more. Riley took the seat across from me so we were eye to eye. I set my hands on the table and looked at him, his eyes seemed to be like endless pools of hazel, we seemed to stare at each other for a while until Riley finally broke the silence.
"So Kendall, you know I like you right?" He asked.
"Yeah, Riley it's kind of obvious considering you kept leaving notes in my locker for the past couple months," I replied.
"Right, so let's get to the point, Kendall, would you consider going out with me?" He asked.
"Let me ask you one question first, is this a trick?" I asked.
"No, why do you think it was?" He asked.
"Well because, everyone plays tricks on me and jeers me, as well as bullies me every day just because I'm gay. If this is a prank or a trick or whatever, I swear to god I'm going to kill myself." I replied quietly and angrily.
"Woah, Kendall, hon calm down. I wouldn't do that, look into my eyes, there is only honesty in my eyes and the only thing I want right now is you, Kendall. I only want and can ever and would ever want you. Why can't you understand that?" He whispered.
"I understand, and if I accept, right here and right now promise me then that this is not some cruel joke to make me feel humiliated, embarrassed and make me want to kill myself," I replied.
"I swear on my death bed." He replied.
"Then I accept," I whispered with a smile.
Just then my phone went off with a text message from my mother. Wonder why she's texting me now... I wonder what she wants, I thought. I took out my cell phone and looked at it and gasped, tears running down my face. No this can't be happening, this can't be, I thought.
"Kendall? Kendall, what's wrong?" Riley asked.
I couldn't hear what he was asking... All I know is that now my whole life, just as it started to get better and everything was going to be okay, was ruined and I needed a way out.
I looked at the text again and now that I had Riley, Shi and Jessica comforting me I could read it clearly and it said:
It's your mother, I just want to say goodbye before I leave you forever, I am sorry I am doing this to you but I can't live like this. When you get home to call the police, and they will investigate right away.
I looked at Riley and began to cry again, he dragged me into his lap and cradled me, I was so torn. I mean the one parent that actually loved me and cared for me and actually cared for me even after I came out of the closet was gone. I didn't know how I would go on without my mother. I curled up against Riley and the bell rang, but I didn't care, I didn't want to go to class because my mother had just died and I didn't know if I could make it the rest of the day.
"Shi and Jessica, can you go to the office and tell them to call my parents to sign myself and Kendall out for the rest of the day?" Riley asked politely.
"Okay." Shi and Jessica replied.
They ran off to the office leaving Riley and I alone in the cafeteria, the lunch lady stood there looking at us for a while then came over. She stared at us for a little longer when she got over to us and then she broke the silence.
"Why are you two still here?" She asked.
"Kendall just got a suicide text from his mother... She is gone... He has no one now." Riley replied.
"Oh okay, well I better let you two lovebirds be, I have no business coming over here and bothering you two anyway." She replied.
The lunch lady walked away and left the cafeteria, which meant Riley and I were completely alone in the room. I tried to control my crying but I couldn't, I looked at Riley and I knew he understood, he carried me to the office and we met up with Jessica and Shi there. The secretary at the front desk looked at us as if we were aliens and Riley gave her a dirty look.
"Did my parents sign us out?" He asked.
"Yes they did, you are free to go now." She replied.
"Okay good, well bye," Riley whispered.
"Bye." Shi and Jessica said.
When we were out of the school Riley set me on the ground and walked me over to his car, he told me that he would text either Shi or Jessica to drive my car home for me after school. I nodded and followed him to his car, I knew where we were going and I knew what I had to do when we got there. When we go to his car, Riley opened the passenger door and I thanked him while getting the seat and he nodded, he went around the other side of the car and got in the driver's side and started the car right away. He looked at me and took one of my hands before driving. I stared at the window, I really didn't want to look anywhere else but out the window. Seeing Riley love me, right now it hurt, it hurt me really bad. I think maybe it was because Riley started loving me the same way my mother did, minus the whole gay thing.
When we got to my place, Riley stopped the car right in the drive way and took out the keys to the ignition and got out to open the passenger side door. When he came around and opened it he took my hand and helped me get out of the car, he could tell I really did not want to see my mother like this. We slowly walked towards the door and when we reached there, Riley took out his phone and quickly texted Jessica to drive my car home because she had car pooled with Shi. Riley opened the door and grabbed my hand again and he went in first because he knew I wanted to be the last one to see my mother's corpse.
When we got inside we walked straight to my mother's bedroom because that was going to be the obvious spot where my mother would have committed suicide. She would've locked the door so no one would know, well no one except me. Riley careful opened the door and peeked inside and gasped. I could tell he might be going to get sick, so I walked into the bedroom showing no fear. Then, I saw it, my mother's corpse and she had stabbed her self-multiple times in the heart. I shivered and looked over at Riley, he was fine now. He quickly walked over to me because I knew I looked like I was either going to be sick or faint at any moment.
He grabbed me and then handed me his phone and sighed. I knew he wanted me to call the cops right away but I pushed the phone away and walked away from him. I knelt down beside my mother's lifeless body and just looked at her for a few moments. Then I turned and looked at Riley and nodded. I knew I had to call the cops and I knew I had to do it now, I got up off my knees and walked over to Riley. I pointed to his phone and he handed it over, and I quickly dialed 911.
"Hello? This is 911 what service or services do you need?" The voice asked.
"Put me through to the police and now please!" I sobbed.
"Okay hold on one moment." The voice replied.
"Hello?" The voice answered.
"Is this the police?" I started to cry again.
"Yes, this is the police, what seems to be your problem sir?" The police officer asked.
"I just got home and I have found my mother, dead sir," I replied holding back more sobs.
"Okay, okay we'll be right there. Do you know how long she has been dead for? And what is your address?" The police officer asked.
"I think she's been dead for only a few minutes." I sobbed. "When I got in, the first thing I did was check to see if her skin was warm or not, and where I live is 1445 Columbus Street."
"Okay, sir we should be there in about ten minutes, hold tight." The police officer said before hanging up.
I handed the phone back to Riley and looked at him, he knew I was now about to collapse so he picked me up off the floor and carried me to the couch. He knelt on the floor near where my face was and just stared at me.
"You alright hon?" He asked.
"What do you think?" I sighed.
"Well you don't seem okay, listen since your mother is no longer with us would you like to come live with me for a little bit?" He asked.
"Sure, but can Mix come?" I asked.
"Sure." He replied.
"Speaking of Mix where is she?" I asked.
"I don't know, why don't you call her?" He replied.
"Mix! Mix come here girlie!" I shouted.
I heard a small meow and a little pitter patter of her tiny paws. When she finally got over to us I tried to pick her but gave up. So Riley picked her up and handed her to me and I thanked him, as soon as I had Mix in my grasp, I gently petted her and gave her a small awkward hug and she meowed at me. I think she saw what had happened to my mother and was saddened by it and I can understand why I mean if I saw what my mother had done to herself I would be sad too. She crawled up my chest and nuzzled my cheek which made me smile a little 'At least I kind of have a piece of my mother with me, I thought.
"Kendall?" Riley asked.
"Yeah Riley?" I said.
"You seem happy with Mix." He replied.
"Yeah, she's like a little piece of my mom in a way, it'll be like she never left me," I whispered.
"I used to have a cat until my dad killed it in front of me, I haven't been able to have a pet since because when I am around them I just get that nightmare over and over." Riley sighed.
"Oh... Did your mom leave your dad?" I asked.
"Yes, she did, she wanted to have a pet in the house and she knew if we had a pet while my dad was still in the house he would probably kill that one too. He never did like animals." Riley replied.
I gently set Mix on the ground and she wandered over to Riley and lied in his lap, he seemed almost afraid of her and I watched him.
"There's nothing to be afraid of Riley, she isn't going to hurt you," I said softly.
"She likes you, and she seems okay with me so I guess I have no reason for fear," Riley mumbled.
"Yup, good 'ol Mix would never hurt a fly, well maybe the odd spider but that's beside's the point." I giggled.
"Your so cute when you giggle," Riley said looking up at me.
I smiled and then the doorbell rang, I got up and walked over to it as fast I could and quickly opened it, there were three officers standing on the porch.
"May we come in?" The tall one on the right asked.
"Go right ahead, sir," I replied with a nod.
They walked in and walked the couch and sat down, Riley got up and moved to the two seater love seat, bringing Mix with him. I closed the door and walked over to where Riley was sitting and sat down, the officers looked around the room for a few moments before saying anything. Riley put his arm around me and put Mix into his lap where she decided to stay.
"What is your name kid?" The fat one on the left asked.
"I am Kendall Carrier and what are your names if I may know?" I asked.
"This is Carmen, Colin and I am Mark." The one in the middles replied.
"Well hello to all of you," I replied.
"What's that kid's name that is sitting beside you?" Mark asked with his eyes narrowed.
"I am Riley Hexcox sir," Riley replied.
"Kendall, how long have you been home since you noticed your mother was dead?" Colin asked.
"Um not that long sir, maybe twenty minutes," I replied.
"Can you take us to her body?" Carmen asked.
"Yes sir, if you will all follow me please and Riley please stay out here," I said.
Riley nodded as I got up from the love seat and walked down the hallway to my mother's bedroom, where her lifeless body lied. I opened the door and ushered them through, each one of them taking their time to walk through the door, once everyone was inside I walked in and closed the door behind us. The officer named Collin went straight to work while the other two examined the room from top to bottom to check if there was any vandalism. And of course, there was some that I didn't notice because all I was really focused on was my dead, lifeless mother. Collin got up from where he knelt and looked at me.
"Kendall we have yet to determine if this was suicide or murder." He sighed.
"It might have been forced suicide, my father hated my mother a lot and beat her all the time," I replied.
"I'll have to go with your theory, even though you are not an officer nor an investigator but for a seventeen-year-old, you're quite smart." He said.
"Thank you, sir," I replied.
"But you should probably find somewhere else to stay until we get this figured out." He said.
"I already have a place and it with that kid you met in the living room, Riley," I replied.
"Good, and what is his address, we need to know in case this was a murder and that the murder does not get you next," Collin whispered.
"His address is 1445 Terrace Ave," I replied.
"Alright, now you best be getting out of here," Collin replied.
"Yes, sir," I mumbled and headed out the door.
I tore down the hallway and practically bumped into Riley, I looked at him and he stared back at me for what seemed like forever.
"Riley text Jessica again and tell her to drive my car to your house because that's where I will be staying for the next few days," I said.
"Okay Kendall, you should probably get all your cat's things together as well as your own." He replied.
"Right, I will only be a few moments," I said as I turned away and went to get Mix's stuff first.
After I got all of Mix's stuff, I walked back to the living room and coaxed her into her little cat carrier, which I knew she hated. I set the rest of her stuff beside her and then ran upstairs to my room to get some belongings as well as some clothing before I went. I grabbed a big heaping pile of clothing and stuffed them into two suitcases and then grabbed whatever I could of my belongings and put them into three duffle bags. Once I was finished I ran downstairs and nodded to Riley. He grabbed up Mix and all her little cat things and I carried most of my belongings and clothing out to the car. Once we got to the car we put everything in the trunk except Mix, she rode up front with me and Riley, and before he started the car he quickly texted Jessica to bring my car to his place.
Once he was done with texting Jessica he pulled his seat belt on and I did the same. I put Mix in my lap in such away that she could look at me and not feel fear. Riley started the ignition and we were off on our way. I stared out the window like always and watched as we got farther and farther away from my house. I swear if my father did this I hope I meet him and beat the crap out of him and then I hope he rots in jail, I thought.
When we got to Riley's house, like the gentleman he was, he walked around to the other side of the car to where the passenger door was and opened it for me. I thanked him and handed Mix to him then got out. He handed Mix back to me and I headed to his front door to wait. He grabbed my belongings first and I opened the door for him, letting him head into the place before me, when he was inside I followed close behind him. Riley lead me to a bedroom and opened the door pushing me in.
"This will be our bedroom." He whispered.
"O-our b-bedroom?" I asked stuttering.
"Mhm." He giggled.
He set my stuff on the floor and opened both suitcases first, gently taking out all the neatly folded things and walking them over to an empty dresser. One by one the suite cases emptied and everything was put into the spare dresser, once Riley was finished with that he went over to my belongings and I pushed him away. He gasped and looked at me, he seemed very shocked and did not like this at all.
"What was that for?" He asked.
"Those things in there are very personal and I want no one touching them." I sighed.
"Okay, I'm sorry hon." He replied.
"It's okay Riley," I said looking up at him and smiling.
"So are you going to put that stuff away?" He asked.
"Yeah, you can help me if you want, and secondly where do I put this stuff?" I asked pointing to my duffle bags.
"Um... Anywhere is fine, there is a lot of room in the bedroom as you can see." He said.
"Okay," I replied nodding.
I walked over to one of the duffle bags and took some stuff out, and placed the picture of my mom and me and a few other things on the dresser. Riley helped which made it go a little faster than it would have if it was just me putting all this stuff away. Once we were finished we walked over to the bed and sat down, we looked at each other for a while and I couldn't look away from his endless hazel eyes. I let out a small sigh and Riley dragged me over into his lap, I sighed again and curled up against him, he gently stroked my hair and I closed my eyes.
"Kendall?" He asked.
"Mmmm, yes Riley?" I replied.
"I love you." He whispered.
"I love you too," I said.
Riley was so calming to be around, within a few minutes I was out like a light, I could hear Riley say something and then he moved me. It felt like he was moving me underneath the blankets and tucking me in, I let out a sleepy giggle, I could hear him sigh and then walk away from me. I could his footsteps all the way to his doorway and I heard it quietly close through the half asleep brain of mine. Then I finally passed out completely, dreaming of Riley.
I woke up in mid afternoon the next day, I looked over to my right and of course, Riley was laying right beside me. Curled up so close to me as if he was going to freeze during the night. I let out a quiet sigh and stared at the ceiling for a while. A few moments later Riley stirred, and let out a few waking up noises before turning onto his other side to face me. I turned on my side so I could see in him and I couldn't help but just stare at him. Dammit his eyes just are endless, and they make me zone out, I thought as I kept staring into Riley's eyes.
"Kendall?" Riley whispered.
"Yes, Riley?" I replied.
"Why are you staring at me?" He asked.
"Your eyes are fucking endless," I replied.
"Oh really?" He said with a giggle.
"Mhm," I replied nodding while trying to hide my blushing face.
"Awh, is my little Kendall-Wendall blushing?" He asked in a weird baby cooing voice.
'Shut up!" I exclaimed while giggled.
"What? I think it's cute." He whispered.
I kept hiding my face until he forced me from the way I was lying, back so I could face him once again. I let a small sigh and Riley sat up, I just looked at him confused and then sat up a few moments later, moving a little closer to him, he dragged me into his lap and put his arms around me. I leaned back against his ever so muscular chest, and he looked down awkwardly at me smiling, I had to let out a giggle, I mean he was hot after all. He turned me around in his lap, put my arms around my neck and then kissed me, pulling away fast.
There was a knock on the door, and we both sighed.
What a morning to wake up to! First this now a knock on the door? Like, go away who ever the fuck you are! I want some alone time with my Riley-bug, I thought.
Riley pushed me off his lap, making me fall in an awkward position back on the bed, he grabbed a shirt and slipped it on. Riley turned to me and gave a small fearfully shrug before leaving to answer the door.
"Take a weapon in case something happens," I yelled. I could hear him laughing and then something being grabbed.
Good, he took my advice, and took a weapon, I thought. I laid there on the bed for a few minutes before heading the bathroom to get a shower. A few minutes later, after I had gotten out of the shower, Riley was waiting for me, I gave him a nervous look because all I was in was a towel. He waved me over to sit with him and I very nervously did so, I sat down slowly on the bed so the towel wouldn't move in a direction I didn't want it to. Which was upward.
"You're so cute," Riley whispered by my ear.
"Th-thanks." I stuttered while blushing.
"Ha, you're still so cute when you blush, I'm glad I might get that blushing face forever," Riley replied.
"Oh shut it, Riley," I exclaimed for the second time.
"Fine," Riley whispered making a pouty face.
I giggled and gently kissed his pouting lips, and then he stopped pouting and I had a feeling that is what he was wanting. I gently ruffled his hair and once again the door was knocked on, but this time the door was broken in. I grabbed what was nearest to me and prepared for battle. Riley also grabbed something, we locked the door then ran and hid in the closet, I curled up against him shaking and crying. It was only the second day living here and Riley had a break in, I didn't want to die, I was so scared I was shaking and crying harder and Riley just cooed me quietly to calm me and after a few moments, I was calm.
The intruder came up the stairs and I could hear that he was checking all the rooms, and then finally he was at our room. I feared that he had killed Riley's parent's which is most likely, Riley and I prepared to spring as the intruder opened the door.
We sprang at the intruder and he was taken aback. He quickly noticed what was going on and began to shoot all over the place hoping to hit one of us. And he did, and he had hit Riley and once Riley was down he ran away taking nothing from the bedroom. I could hear him tromping down the stairs, and once he got down their I heard rattling and then the door slamming. This can't be happening, I thought, This is just a dream, c'mon Kendall! Wake up! C'mon!'
"K-Kendall?" Riley looked up at me with such scared and shaken eyes.
"Yes Riley?" I replied my voice shaking.
"Am-am I g-gunna d-die?" He asked stuttering and trying to hold back tears.
"No Riley your not going to die, nor will I let you." I whispered.
"Y-you should go call an am-ambulance." He mumbled.
"You still have your cellphone right?" I asked.
"Y-yeah, front pocket." He replied weakly pointing to his left front pocket.
"Good, try and get it out of your pocket will I go and get something to stop the bleeding, okay, Riley?" I whispered.
"Ok-okay K-Kendall." He stuttered again trying to hold back the tears that were in his eyes.
I kissed him gently on the forehead before heading off to go and get something to stop Riley from bleeding like a stuffed pig. I shivered at the thought of coming back to Riley, but when I came back he was dead. I pushed the thought out of my mind right away. I don't need or want to think about that right now. Right now I need to get something to help Riley, I do not want to lose two people almost in the same day. When I reached the bathroom that was around the corner I automatically grabbed for the nearest towel and booked it back to Riley. When I got there he had gotten his phone out of his pocket, but I could tell his breathing was getting slower, I quickly wrapped the bandage tight enough around the wound to hopefully stop the bleeding temporarily. I grabbed his phone from his hand and quickly dialed 911, I knew if I didn't dial faster he might die.
"Hello?" The voice asked.
"Hello this is Kendall Carrier and I am at 4556 Courtnest Ave. My friend has just been shot by a robber and the robber has left with some of our stuff. Please get the ambulance and the police here immediately!" I said.
"Okay, son, I'll send out some police officers and an ambulance on the way, just stay on the phone until they get there." The voice replied.
I walked back over to Riley with the phone in hand keeping the call going, I put his head into my lap and sighed quietly and watched out the window waiting for the ambulance and police to come. Finally, moments later, the ambulance and police had arrived, The paramedics rushed in and got Riley straight onto the stretcher and rolled him out. I walked beside Riley holding his hand until we had arrived at the ambulance, which then I had to let go and I told him I loved him and that as soon as he was stable I'd visit him. He gave a small smile as he was lifted up into the back of the ambulance, and I gave a small smile back, and I watched as they closed the back doors in front of him.
I walked over to his porch and sat down, right away one of the police officers nearby walked over and started to ask me questions. I answered them all while watching the ambulance drive away. If I lose you, Riley, I'll keep living for you and always keep you in my heart, I thought. Once I was done answering the police officers questions he waved me away and told me to go elsewhere for the time being. I pulled my cell phone out and called Jessica, and of course, Jessica being Jessica, she answered on the first ring.
"Hey, babe." She said.
"Cut it out Jessica, I need a favor," I replied.
"What kind of favor?" She asked.
"Do you mind if I stay at your place for a while?" I answered.
"Sure, but why? I thought you were staying with Riley." She said.
"Listen, a few moments ago Riley's house got broken into and robbed, I mean he got shot and is on his way to the hospital right now. Please, Jess, I'm begging you I have nowhere else to go right now." I replied.
"Okay, okay, I'll come and get you right now alright?" She said.
"Alright Jess, see you in a few minutes then," I replied.
A few moments later Jessica was in front of Riley's house waiting for me to get into the car, I gave one last look at the house and then got in. I let out a small sigh and put on my seat belt, and Jessica started the car right away to drive away from the house where the horrible incident had happened. I didn't even make an attempt to look at Jessica, I just looked out the window the whole time, I was too upset and I just didn't want to do anything.
"Kendall?" Jessica asked.
"What do you want?" I replied angrily.
"Kendall calm down, Riley is going to be okay," Jessica whispered in a reassuring tone.
"How can you be so sure? Maybe he could die on the way there or even die on the way into the hospital." I replied still angry.
"Kendall, please calm down," Jessica whispered, gently rubbing one of her free hands on my shoulder.
I didn't say anything and just slumped over closer to the door, I couldn't deal with this right now especially when there was the chance the love of your life might die because of some asshole of a robber. I could feel tears streaming down my face, but at least now I was somewhat calm, I let out a small sigh and looked over at Jessica, I felt like I had hurt her. I sat up straight in my seat and just stared at her for a while until she turned to look at me for a brief moment.
"Jessica, I'm sorry," I whispered.
"It's okay Kendall, it's understandable, I would be the same way if I had someone got through that and had a high possibility of dying." She replied.
Soon enough we were at her house, I slowly got out of the car and then went around to get her door for her and she appreciated it. We walked hand in hand up to the door, once we got to the door I let her hand free so she could open the door and once it was open she lead me inside. She hung up her coat near the door and I had done the same. She took my hand once again and lead me over to the living room and the first thing she did was click on the news. We curled up on the couch and watched the news for a while, and nothing interesting was seemed to be talked about so we watched some cartoons. I mean we all have our childish side right? Even if we're teenagers or adults, we just got to have our good old cartoons.
After about an hour or so we changed it back to the news and finally they were talking about something interesting, something about this Rob Ford guy in Toronto and how he was smoked crack and is an alcoholic and stuff. Just after that story was done another one was told right away, and it was a crash with some kid going to the hospital after being shot
"Turn it up." I said to Jessica. She grabbed the remote and turned it up.
"A kid named Riley, his last name is unknown all we know is that his name is Riley, was in a crash with an on coming truck. Everyone survived in the crash except poor little Riley, and he was just on his way to the hospital after being shot by a robber who had robbed his house a few minutes before hand. Our condolences go out to his parents and his friend Kendall Carrier, I am sorry for your loss guys, may he rest in peace." The reporter shut up and started on a whole different story.
"Jessica t-turn it off," I said through tears.
"Jessica t-turn it off," I said through tears.
"Okay Kendall, okay." She whispered quickly turning off the TV.
She took me in my arms and rocked me from side to side and I just couldn't control myself. I sat there for a while crying and I could stop. I mean my lover had just had his life take and I knew that would happen, I fucking god damn well knew it. Jessica kept making shushing noise and telling me that everything would be okay, and not to worry, and that just made me cry harder, she gently stroked my hair and kept rocking me. I want to die now, I thought to myself. I looked at Jessica and she looked back sadly, I let out a sigh and moved away from her walking to the stairs, I turned to look at her and she seemed confused. I ran up the stairs to my given bedroom and shut the door and locked it right away, I pulled out my hidden razor blade and sat on the bed, just looking at it for a few moments before doing anything with it. I dragged it across my wrist a few times, and it made me feel better and once I was finished cutting one wrist I went straight to the other.
I didn't care if I bled out and died, I really didn't anymore, I mean my father was most likely in jail and my mother was gone. Now Riley was to, I could care less about my life, with every breath I took I added a new cut, I wanted to die I didn't want to live anymore, I just wanted to be in heaven with my mom and Riley, the two people I loved so much you wouldn't even know or being to understand. I heard footsteps running up the stairs and then pounding on the door and it was of course Jessica.
"Kendall? Kendall open the damn door!" She shouted.
I gave no answer
"If you don't open it right now I'll bust in!" She yelled.
I still didn't say anything.
"Fine! I'm coming in then!" She yelled.
I fell on my side and my vision went kind of blurry and all I could see was Jessica breaking down the door and then her running to me. She first looked at the razor blade, then at me and back, she knew what I had done and she got scared. After a few moments had passed I finally passed out. Finally, I thought, Finally I'm dying and finally, I get to be with the people I truly and dearly love.
When I awoke I could hear Jessica mumbling to herself, and I could see she was sitting in the corner of the room crying as well. I slowly sat up and Jessica looked at me and smiled, she quickly got up off the ground and ran to me, I could tell she was very worried and glad to finally see me awake. She hugged me bringing me a little too close, but I didn't care at least she cared and that was all that mattered to me.
"Oh, Kendall! Thank god you're awake!" She exclaimed through teary eyes,
"Mhm," I replied sort of groggily.
She sat down beside me and gently stroked my hair and never took her eyes off me. I guess she really was concerned. I mean what friend would do self-harming over this? I mean You can't do anything to revive the person once they are gone and passed over. Jessica took one of my hands and turned it over so she could look at one of my wrists and she gasped and had a very shocked look on her face. She began to cry again, and she hugged me close, I knew she didn't want me to do this but it was better than doing drugs right now and to that she could agree. I pulled my hand away from her and stared straight into her eyes.
"Jessica don't worry about me," I said.
"Why not? You're my friend Kendall! I don't want you to do this ever again or see you like this ever again." She whispered in reply through teary eyes.
"Jessica just don't okay? I'll be fine." I replied.
She nodded and leaned into me and I just held her closer than I had anyone ever in my life, I never even held Riley this close and it felt kind of odd to me to be doing this to Jessica. But I wanted to show her that she had no reason to worry and that she should be worrying about her own life and not about me.
I let out a small sigh and looked at her She's beautiful, I thought, If I were straight or a girl I would totally date her, but right now I don't want anyone. I just want to grieve and mourn for my Riley, it's not fair that he was taken away from me and this world and he would have had a great life ahead of him to. I leaned down and gently kissed her on the cheek and she blushed a little and I know she knew that was my way of saying thank you to her.
I looked at the clock and sighed, it seemed like only a few moments ago my only other thing I cared about in the whole wide world was taken from me. Tears began to roll down my cheeks again and Jessica comforted me, she knew I needed this more than ever.
"Jessica, I think I'm going to head out for a bit okay?" I said.
"Okay." She whispered in reply.
"Do you have any spare guys clothing around here?" I asked pointing to my blood stained ones.
"Yeah, there should be some in YOUR closet." She replied.
"Okay, thanks, Jessica," I said with a weak smile before heading over to the closet.
I took me a while before I could find anything suitable and that would make me look one hundred percent straight and not one hundred percent gay, then I paused and thought, Wait, Mix! I have to go back and get Mix! I quickly picked something clothing and got dressed and hurried out the door. I tore down the street back to Riley's house and ran into it and found Mix right away, grabbing her and her stuff and booking it back to Jessica's. I dropped Mix off and then went out for a while, because I needed to go somewhere, anywhere to get Riley off of my mind.
I walked all the way to a street I had never been on before and spotted one of my good old friends, I walked across the street to say hi to him. He was sitting with his back to a wall smoking a joint, which was a first for him and I never thought he would do that I mean he was always the good smart kid.
"Hey, Max," I said.
"Hey, Kendall." He replied.
"What's up homie?" I asked.
"Not much just been out here for a few days and taking in life." He said.
"Cool, cool, see you're into drugs now, eh?" I mumbled.
"Yeah, you want some?" He asked holding out an extra joint he had in his pocket.
"I don't know man, this stuff isn't even legal," I replied.
"Dude, it'll take your mind off that Riley kid you just lost." He whispered.
"Oh really? And what if we get caught sitting here smoking up in the middle of a public area?" I asked.
"Dude, we ain't gonna get caught. Now calm you man tits sit down and smoke a joint, and take in life man." He replied.
"Fine," I whispered.
I sat down beside him and he lit his extra joint and handed it to me, I looked down at it nervously and then looked at him, his look practically urged me to do it. So I took I small inhale and then slowly exhaled and he was right it did make me feel better and helped me forget.
After a few hours of sitting on the street chilling with Max, I decided it was time to go home and get back to Jessica, after all, she was probably worried and wondering where I was. I bid Max a goodbye but before I had the chance to turn he handed me some rolling papers and a small baggy of weed, I just stared at it for a few moments. Then Max said, "Dude, take it, you need it more than I do."
I gave a swift nod and shoved it into my pocket and practically ran all the way back to Jessica's because I had no idea what time it was.
When I arrived back there I slowly opened the door and peeked in, I saw Jessica sound asleep on the couch, so I walked in quietly so I wouldn't disturb her. She woke up anyway, she could always for some reason tell when I was in her presence and what not, she sat up and gave me a half asleep smile before laying back down.
"Where did you go?" She asked.
"I just went for a really long walk because I needed to think about things and also I got side tracked talking to an old friend who dropped out of school a while ago," I replied walking to the couch.
"Oh really? That's nice." She whispered.
"Mhm," I said as I sat down on the floor in front of the couch on which Jessica was lying on.
I looked at her for a few moments before I realized I had left my coat on. I looked at her and said, "I'm going to head up to my room for a moment to put something away and then I shall come back down and put away my coat." Jessica nodded and I headed towards the stairs. I really shouldn't keep this secret from her, I thought, But oh well some secrets are better kept to themselves and not exposed.
Once I reached my room I hurried inside and locked the door, grabbed the baggy and the rolling papers from my coat pocket and hid them in one of my dresser drawers. I then took off my coat and put it over top of my arm, then proceeded to the door, unlocked it and hurried back downstairs. Jessica was sitting up now but curled up in a comfy position in the corner of the couch she was on, I looked at her and smiled, then headed over to the coat rack and hung up my coat. I slowly walked over to her and then sat down and she looked at me oddly, and I raised an eyebrow at her.
"You smell weird." She said.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"I don't know exactly but it's not your usual smell, you smell like pot." She mumbled.
"Oh yeah, I forgot, Max was smoking a joint while I was around him so the smell must have gotten on my clothing. Like I personally would never do that stuff," I replied.
"I know you wouldn't." She said with a smile. "I trust you one hundred and ten percent."
"Good," I said with a smile.
I looked at her and sighed and then looked at the clock, it was getting late and I decided that it was time for both of us to sleep. I got up off the couch and took a hold of Jessica's hand and led her to her room, I opened the door to her room for her and told her good night. Then walked over to my room which was right across the hall from hers, and I think she did that on purpose.
I opened my door and slipped inside, I walked over to the dresser and grabbed some night time clothing as well as my tiny stash of weed I had hidden in there. I got to the dresser slowly, and once I was dressed I heard Mix scratching at the door to come in, I slowly walked to my door to let her in because I knew if I didn't she'd be scratching the door the whole night. Mix walked over to the window and as if it were her usual spot, jumped up and lied on the windowsill staring at the world outside.
I sighed a let out a small little chuckled before rolling some weed in some rolling paper and then lighting it and I kept careful to stay away from Mix with it. I was glad I had already opened the window before hand so the smoke would be blown out the window so when Jessica came to check on me there would be no scent of it. I sighed after I took my first little puff and it seemed weird to me how I did not get sick off of this stuff because usually the first time you try it your puke all your guts up.
I sighed and then shrugged and finally finished the joint and then there was a knock on my bedroom door and it had to be Jessica. "Come in," I called to her. I didn't bother trying to hide the weed because I knew she'd just find it eventually and then ask me a lot of questions as to why I had it in there first place and where I got it from. I watched as she walked through the door and looked at the bed right away and saw the weed, rolling papers, and lighter and then looked at me with a sad but shocked expression on her face. I just shrugged and looked back at her and then she ran out of the room crying and then I got angry with myself.
I was going to run to catch up with her but first I grabbed my knife and then got up and ran after her. I knew if I didn't try to calm her down she'd do something stupid. When I caught up to her my knife square up stabbed her in the back by accident, I caught her before she fell to the floor.
"K-Kendall? w-what?" She stuttered and asked.
"Jessica it was an accident okay? I would never do that on purpose!" I replied.
"I know..." She whispered before her eyes closed.
"Jessica stay with me okay? stay with me." I said.
"Okay." She whispered.
I sat on the floor with her head in my lap and took my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911 and did the same thing I always did, I asked for the police and an ambulance. I set Jessica's head on the floor gently and then headed to the living room with the knife in my hand. I might as well keep this in my hand because they'll find my fingerprints on it anyway so, either way, I'll be going to jail, I thought to myself. When I reached the living room I sat on the couch and waited for the ambulance and the police to come.
Chapter 10 (conclusion)
When the police and ambulance finally arrived I had to lead the paramedics up to where Jessica was lying. I stayed up there and waited for the result and just as I thought she was dead and I couldn't believe I had just killed one of my best-friends by complete accident. I sighed and followed the paramedics back downstairs and then the police automatically started asking me questions and asked why I had the knife in the first place. I explained that I was cooking a meal and then I had done something illegal and Jessica ran upstairs crying, so, in turn, I ran up the stairs following her and my knife I had in my hand had accidentally stabbed her in the back.
And of course, one of the police officers put me in hand cuffs and escorted me out into one of the closest police cars. I slowly walked in front of him because I knew if I went any faster he would automatically think I was trying to get away and tase me, and I really didn't feel like getting tased. When we got to the police car I was patted down and they took my knife and put it in an evidence baggy and then I was shoved into the back of the police car. I slumped over to one side on the door and watched as the police officer walked to the other side of the car and got into the driver's seat, he started it up right away and we drove off, away from the place where I had accidentally killed Jessica Surman my closest and best-friend.
When we got to the jail I was escorted by a security officer into my cell, which was number 1567. She told me that my court date would be next week, Tuesday, and if I was guilty I would be staying here for maximum two to three years. I nodded and the security officer took the cuffs off and pushed me in side the cell, I walked over to the bed and sat down. I was so scared, I didn't want to see the inside of a jail and never ever have to be in here for a crime I had committed. If only my dad hadn't killed my mom, if only the robber hadn't killed Riley. If only I hadn't started self-harming and doing drugs. If only I hadn't accidentally killed my closest best-friend Jessica. If only those things never happened then maybe I wouldn't have to be in this mess and maybe I wouldn't be stuck with her for two or three years, maybe more depending.
A week seemed to go by fast, and but was already next week, Tuesday, the day of my set court date for my trial and I prayed to God beforehand that he would help me prove my innocence. That morning the security guard on my floor opened my cell door and told me to follow her and I did as I was told. She handed me a fresh pair of suitable clothing and walked with me to the men's washroom where she told me to hurry and get dressed so we could get to the court on time. Once I was dressed she put hand cuffs on me and made me walk as slow as possible just so she knew it was highly unlikely I was going to run away and make a break for it. I knew what was going to happen for my wrong doings and I was willing to face that fact to get on with the rest of my life, once I was through this I could start maybe dating other guys and stuff.
Once we were outside, the security guard opened the door from me and then shoved me inside into the back. The security guard walked around the other side and she walked to the other side and got into the driver's seat. A couple of hours later we were at the court house where I was going to either be guilty or innocent and I most likely thought guilty because my fingerprints were on the knife.
I plead guilty to everything so, in turn, I was judged as guilty so the police officer next to me hand cuffed me and the judge said I had to serve three years in jail. The police officer walked me out of the court house and walked me over to the police car and then we were off back to the jail of which I had just come from. I sighed and got teary eyed as I was walked back to my jail cell, I walked over to the bed right away and put my head in my hands. I'm a fucking idiot, I thought.
It's been a year since I've been in jail, and I don't like it here very much. I mean everyone treats you like dirt and makes you feel like your nothing. But luckily I have met another boy here by the name of Drake who did the same as me not too long ago and he feels horrible for it and he's doing the same. He just wants to get it over with so he can get on with his life too. We have become great friends and I think he wishes to become more than that and I am absolutely open to that because I have so much love to give but no one to give it to.
To be honest I never thought I would be the one out of my friends to do drugs and do self-harming and accidentally kill one of my closest friends. But things happen that you don't exactly want to happen and you end up with the worst possible out come. At least now once I get out of here I might be able to get my chance to live a happy and healthy love with my new love Drake and maybe adopt a couple of children. Who knows maybe I won't end up in here again or maybe I will.