The Wall I Built

When the going gets tough, the tough stick it out, the rest run away.

So the situation is not ideal for you. I don’t like it either, but I get up every day and I keep trying.

You don’t like it, so you think I am making bad choices, maybe I am but they are my choices. Not yours.

Your place is not to judge me, but to love me.

I am not asking for anything.

This cloud that is over my head right now is nothing to do with you.

I watched my best friend’s father die from 1700 miles away, all I could do was talk with her all she could do was see I was not physically there.

I watched one of my best friends die from 1700 miles away, all I could do was talk to our friends and her family, but all some saw was I was not there.

Right now all everyone sees is I am not there, wherever there is. But I was there, a phone call, a text a video message away.

My other best friend blames me for using her or lying to her, and I don’t need to lie. You can’t make this shit up. This is life for better or worse, this is it. Has it always been bad? No! Will it always be bad? No!

But it is easier to bow out that it is to stay. It is easier to believe that another is being wrongful to you, than really looking at the dirty “stuff.”

She has helped me out financially to stay afloat so much that I could never repay her. Ever, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how much I do owe her. I have the number in my head. I know. Maybe I handle the situation wrong. Maybe I should have talked to her more about it, or her to me before it got here.

Here, being that she feels like she was wronged by me.

Me sitting here thinking, I don’t keep score. I have housed and fed people I knew would never or could never pay me back, so what. But I never dropped them. They went on about their life and I had to let them. Ok, see you, still love you and when they pop back into my life for one reason or another, they are accepted with the same love that they received before.

So instead of knowing the shit is hitting the fan and yes, bad choices have been made, etc.

You walk away. I can’t be a part of this, you are toxic. So for me, anything that was good in my life that I was holding onto has left. But I tried to talk to you every day. I asked you how you were; wanted to how you were doing, despite this pitiful state I am in at the moment. Because one time you asked me not to just go away, like I had done once before. So I was not going to go “away” regardless of the distance.

But you did, you walked away, when all I needed was your voice of reason, you positive spin on life. Your wisdom, that you came to from the adversity and struggle from your life adventure, that may I remind you, was not always good or comfortable.

And people wonder why walls are built, silence becomes the norm.

Everyone wants to be around when everything is going just fine and what issues do pop up are minor, but no one wants to stay when shit is really being thrown around. Good god, wouldn’t want you to get any on you.