The Words I Can't Say

I spent such a long time saying those words to the wrong person, that now, I don't know how to express the feeling to the right person. I have lost the ability to be affectionate. I don't know when it happened, only that it did, and that it takes a toll on my relationship.

My S/O is slowly coming to understand that we show love in different ways. But, that doesn't mean that he isn't still bothered by it, despite how hard he may try to hide it.

The two issues I have are being physically affectionate, and vocally expressing any feelings of affection. These are problematic in our relationship because he's big on kissing, hand holding, PDA, and very dependent on hearing that his feelings are being reciprocated. While I, on the other hand, don't find it necessary to constantly be kissing, and am just not a fan of PDA. Ultimately, I am more of a cuddler or a snuggler, but that's about it. The only way I am able to express my emotions even the slightest bit effectively is through jokes, mostly at his expense. Which, paradoxically, is the same method I use to go about hiding other emotions. Finally, I am physically unable to say "I love you" first. Not even when my heart swells three sizes like the Grinch. I can feel it, I can think it, I just can't get my lips to say it.

As a result, I come off as cold without meaning to. In his eyes, I refuse his kisses and "never initiate" them because I don't want to kiss him, I roast him all the time because I truly resent him, and I never say "I love you" because I simply do not. Although he thinks he does a good job suppressing those insecurities, I know him too well, and watching him struggle with them is both annoying and saddening. On one hand, I am frustrated because I thought he accepted that I don't express my affection in the same way he does and that he shouldn't expect me to. That in his efforts to find his version of love in me, he's missed all of the ways I've actually shown it. On the other hand, I hate that he believes that the feelings not mutual, and I just want to shake him and tell him how amazing he is, how happy he makes me, but I can't.

I wasn't always like this with him though. Our relationship started off as a danger. Whenever we were in public, any forms of affection, any hints of passion, from a kiss to a hand on the thigh, was taboo. My ex was(is?) insane, and for safety's sake we had to act like we were just friends, because we figured that at any moment he could pop up. Now, after spending most of the day pretending that I didn't want him, finally being home together, able to touch him and kiss him. It was always so intense, and I lived for it. But, as time went on and both that the imminent threat of the crazy ex had subsided, and I had time to let the trauma that was my previous relationship set in, my walls started going back up. He had given me no cause to do so, but I became withdrawn. For no other reason than to never allow myself to get used again.

Recently, he has said he is starting to recognize the stealthy ways in which I do show affection. In things even I haven't noticed myself doing or saying. I've asked him what they were, and these are his responses;

It's really in the details. Like how sometimes you'll mention that you were thinking about me in certain situations.

Or when you remind me about things I need to do, because you know me so well.

Or like when we go out, or even when we're just relaxing you always try to make me smile in subtle ways. And when you see me stressed out, you try your best to even me out. Or when I feel I'm left with no options you suggest things that at the moment I couldn't rationally think about, or maybe ever think about.You sit and listen to me rant about things that don't matter.

You always ask me to call you on my walks home at night, so you know I made it in okay. You tell me to stay safe at times when I could be at risk.

Or when you would tell me to put the cigarette away when I wanted one really bad.

The way you've slowed my life down, because you want me to the take time to enjoy things, even when I'm an impatient f*ck.

The way you laugh at my jokes even when they aren't funny.

His list when on, but I'll stop there. It meant a lot to me to hear that from him. It made me incredibly happy to see that he was starting to see that although I may not say it so often, he still means the world to me. That he is able to look past the lack of "I love you"s and begin to see the subtle things. Thus giving me the chance to work on taking the walls down so eventually I can express my feelings as I feel them, and become comfortable with kissing him and hugging him again.

P.S If you've somehow found this link, and you're reading this, I want you to know two things.

1. You are the best thing to happen to me. From initially meeting you and becoming close friends and you always being there for me. To now, building a future together. I know I don't say this as often as I would want to.
2. Don't bring this up for a little while.