The Worst Date

When I was little, I was never naive enough to believe the Disney, rose-colored idea of love; girl meets boy, boy slays dragon for girl, and they sing and dance into the sunset. I grew even further from this idea when I was in high school and realized how much I like girls too. Maybe I would be the one that ended up slaying the dragon. However, I always appreciated the fact the relationships were always healthy, compatible, and loyal. Those were the expectations I always had going into relationships in my adolescence. Eventually, these expectations were worn down. False hopes, broken hearts, cheating, lying, abuse and more followed the love life of a girl too young to know how to deal with it healthily. Two months after my 17th birthday, my heart was broken almost irreparably by a boy who promised me the world and stars in his hand for a year and a half, but instead blew dirt in my face. This was due to the fact he had fallen in love with another girl, the girl he also threw aside once the excitement had faded.

He thought I didn't know, but he spent every weekend with her for a month leading up to our last date. He spoke about her in every conversion, as if the secrets of the universe were between the thighs of this 14-year-old, and he did not understand what was wrong with the fact he was 17. He tried to convince me about the the pros of polyamory and pretended it had nothing to do with her. And while that life is fine for some, it was not for me. He told me on a Friday that he had feelings for her and could not decide between us. The next day was our last date.

We traveled to the downtown area of our city for the biggest parade of the year. He had smuggled alcohol from wherever he got it, and berated me for my aversion towards it. He teased me, called me a child and then became affectionate. He joked and laughed and told me he loved me. My heart became heavier with every word he said until I could not take it anymore.

"I can't believe you're acting like this," I muttered under my breath. No matter how drunk he was, he wasn't deaf.

"Acting like what?"

"Like a child! You're here joking about how you care about me, but you don't know whether or not you're going to break up with me!

"You need to calm down, you're making me want to break up with you!"

The day followed the tone of that conversation. I was threatened with abandonment into silence, by the boy who told me he loved me more than anyone. Not even an hour later, during the parade, I had my third panic attack I've ever had. He told me to pull myself together and that I was attracting the attention of security. Eventually, we summoned an Uber to take us back to his car. I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but it didn't take long to realize we were going the wrong way.

"Where are we going?" I asked him, half expecting him to not answer.

"My dad texted me," he said in a forced excited tone."He's at this huge party downtown and wants us to meet up with him." We drove ten minutes parallel to the parade to one of the tallest condo buildings I had ever seen. It took us ten more minutes and two private elevators to find the party, and from there it was a blur. From my boyfriend doing jello shots and smoking hookah, to his father shoving drinks in my hand and telling me how he had cheated on his son's mother before their split several years prior. The night was going down the drain fast. We were the youngest people at the party, so when my boyfriend got crazier and crazier, I was left all alone. I stood at the balcony of the condo and thought about my ideals of love and what makes it real. Is it really the feeling of excitement in your heart that makes true love? Or was it the feeling after? The feeling of contentment and warmth, like crawling into bed after being outside in the rain. The boy I thought loved me was inside doing more jello shots with a man who claimed to be Whoopi Goldberg's long-lost son. He was like the feeling of skydiving without a parachute; exciting but inevitably painful and you wouldn't be surprised if you died.

"Hey, I jusss want you ta know..." he slurred, appearing so suddenly I felt like I jumped 12 feet in the air. "...that I would take a bullet for you. I would jump in front of a train for you if you asked me to."

"But you won't remain faithful to me," I refuted. The drunken smile sunk from his face as he grabbed my hand.

"Listen, I never cheated on you," he swore up and down that the most that happened was in his own mind, not knowing that was cheating too. Months later, I would be messaging the girl he left for, and I found out that everything he had told me this night was a lie. I guess my disbelief had shown on my face because his grip on me tightened and pulled me out of the party, without even telling his father goodbye. He dragged me all the way to his car and drove us back to my house. I can't quite remember how, but the last thing I remember about that night was the screaming match we had in my room and in my driveway. Me, begging him to be honest with me, and him avoiding eye contact and trying to find the nearest escape route. The world blurred around us and I was left alone and uncertain. Now here I am, thinking about how not all the worst dates in life are the first ones, where one has to endure a night of bad food, annoying jokes, and offensive political comments. Sometimes the worst dates are the ones where you find yourself drunk and brokenhearted at the end of the night. Some of us aren't lucky to avoid the train-wreck on the first date, but we find ourselves mangled on the millionth date.

This experience did teach me something, however. It taught me that in every disappointment there is a lesson. In life, the only thing you can count on is things never work out the way they do in your head. The guy you want to marry might cheat on you, or he might not. You may get your Disney fairytale ending, or you might not. However, if you follow the idea of love you may have in your head, it's very possible you may end up with the exact opposite. Love is powerful, but it is also irresponsible. I will leave with this simple wish: I hope all your worst dates are the first.