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The Worst Relationship Advice You'll Ever Receive

Uncle Clay's How to Maintain Your Relationship 101

Huddle in closer gentlemen. Because I am here to single-handedly save your relationship. Providing you with "classified information" on how to truly make your woman fall head over heels for you without her knowing.  

So, you want to measure the extent of her love. How much respect she has for you when you spend time apart.  The degree of trust that you share with each other. T'aww, love birds. 

Step 1 - Stalk her.

Nothing says "I Love You" like constantly checking her location on Snapchat and asking her "where are you?" three times a day. It doesn't matter if she's only gone to get milk and eggs from your local supermarket five minutes down the road. If ten minutes has already gone pass and she hasn't replied to your fifth "Where are you?" text, then somebody needs to put on their one piece & shades and re-enact Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. Anything could have happened. It's only fair that you care... right? 

Step 2 - Assume she's cheating.

Let her know that you are still as innocent and vulnerable as when you first met. You can't possibly do without her.

Do this by constantly throwing accusations at her about having an affair with her work colleague, "Stephanos." You know in your mind that his name could easily be pronounced, "Stephan" but "Stephanos" sounds much more exotic. Plus, you've noticed her speak about visiting Greece on several occasions. She's even started eating Olives with her pizza. She never used to. She always said that margarita was her favourite because it reminded her of your cheesy jokes.

See what I did...cheese...pizza. No? *sigh*

(This site better pay me.)

Nonetheless, by accusing her of cheating she'll become aware that you still care for the status of your relationship. Also, when the opportunity presents itself...

...key Stephanos car.

Step 3 - Avoid spending time with her.

You know what they say, "Time apart makes the heart grow fonder." (Something like that...). Do everything to ensure that you spend limited time with her whatsoever. It's inevitable that she'll miss you and come falling right back into your arms.  

Step 4 - Look at other women.

Don't do that. 

Step 5 - Be the alpha-male.

Testosterone is key. Where's the best place to acquire maximum levels of testosterone in one place? The gym! Even if you haven't worked out a day in your life. You walk right up to the weights room, look for the biggest guy and lift exactly what he's lifting. 250kg bench press is nothing to you, YOU ARE THE ALPHA. Need motivation? Just imagine Stephanos' ugly mug, feeding your wife gyros, olives and feta cheese. Fuels you with rage doesn't it? Remember, channelling that anger into gains—ultimate alpha male status. Let Stephanos know who's boss.

Step 6 - Be authentic.

Most people celebrate Valentines Day by taking their loved ones on helicopter rides, five star restaurants, even gentle boat rides along the canal after hours. No matter what it is, females are competitive when it comes to Valentines Day. It is a day where they can show off the value of love their partner has for them.

BE AUTHENTIC! Let her know that she is one in a million. What better way to do that than to take her to HOOTERS. Burgers, wings, chips and tittays! When surrounded by all these stunning women, she will come to terms that you brought her here to show her...

...that she too can have a stunning body if she joins you at the gym more often.

Step 7 - If she hasn't realised that you are practically a God in disquise...

Let her know she's beautiful.

This way as her spirit is uplifted and she is truly at peace.

You sneak off back to the gym...

Stephanos has no clue what's about to hit him.

If you would like any relationship guidance or life coaching, feel free to comment an issue below. Starting with "Dear, Uncle Clay" and I will provide you with nothing but classified information to becoming the best you can be.

Drink Responsibly, Uncle Clay.

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