Think You’re Ready to Have ‘The Talk’ With Your Man?

You meet a guy at a bar or a movie theater — perhaps, even a church if that’s your thing. He’s funny, outgoing and charming. Not to mention, if your genes were to mix with his moderate attractiveness, the result would be beautiful mini-you’s to parade around at family gathering for years to come. You haven’t had a date in God knows when, so when he asks you for your number, you can’t say “yes” fast enough. Yet, you still try to play it cool because nobody wants a desperate chick.

(Seriously, pipe down girl. There will be plenty of time to drool over him but now is not the time.)

What follows are a few weeks of sneaking to text him at work as you chat about everything from your favorite movies, to your shared love of karaoke and spin classes. Your nights are filled with phone calls where his knowledge of Shakespeare just forces himself further and further into your heart. By this point, you’re convinced that you’ve found the one, and you want nothing more than to see where his head is it.

Does he like you as much as you like him? Is he ready for something serious? Is he even the “relationship type?”

I know you have a lot of questions, but like the great philosopher Taylor Swift once said, things are Delicate™ at this stage of the game.

You don’t want to run off this seemingly perfect guy by asking about a commitment too soon. But you also don’t want to undercut your chances with him by not making yourself available enough. If you’re too nonchalant, he may take it’s a sign that you’re keeping your options open. Too clingy, and he might flee.

So what do you do?

1. First, Calm Down

You’re not in love after a few weeks, despite what romance novels have conditioned you to believe. If anything, you’re balls deep into the attraction/lust stage, and the things that annoyed his last girlfriend are probably making your eyes gleam brighter than the sun.

Take a step back for a second and breath. Better yet, take a moment to write out all of the things that you’re convinced has made you fall for him.

Yes, right now; I’ll wait. Done? Okay. Now, take a look at your list. How many are based on your own personal projections?

Seriously, is he really the most understanding guy you’ve ever met just because he listened to you rant about your mother for 10 minutes? Because I can tell you from experience, that they’re all good listeners in the beginning.

Is he actually the kindest soul to ever walk the earth, or have you just dated so many assholes that a guy being nice to you makes your heart palpitate faster than a freight train?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

I’m not saying he’s not a great guy — you may have found one of the ten truly great guys out there — but I already know that you’ve over-hyped him in your mind. Lower the tint on your rose-colored glasses a little and really look at the guy you’ve been getting to know — flaws and all.

Done? Great.

Now that you’re actively fighting the cocktail of chemicals in your brain that has you thinking you’ve found God’s gift to women, the next step should be a little bit easier.

2. Decide What You Actually Want

Before you approach this guy about a commitment, you need to single out what kind of commitment you actually want.

Society has so many rules about women should expect from a relationship, and when she should expect them. Who should pay on the first date? How long you should wait until you jump in the sack. How long you should date before you expect an engagement.

I want you to think about all of those rules, and chuck them clean out of a window. The only person who matters at this point is you.

First, figure out what YOU expect to get out of this relationship experience, and go from there. Sure, people will still have their opinions. But since they’re not, you know, in the relationship with you, it honestly doesn’t matter what they think.

If you’re perfectly fine with an extended courtship, then you shouldn’t feel pressured to get married after your second anniversary, should you make it there.

And if you know that you can’t possibly be happy unless you have your white picket fence, and 2.5 kids by age 35, then you should be honest with yourself, and decide that you’re not willing to tolerate a decade of just being someone’s girlfriend.

The sooner you come to terms with what you actually want, the sooner you can decide how to approach this perfectly imperfect guy.

3. Grow Up, and Tell Him What You Expect

There is definitely a time where you will need to have the commitment talk. And that time is now. That’s if you still have him around after you you’ve realized that he’s a regular guy who eats, poops, and curses like everyone else.

See step one.

There really is no easy way to set up this conversation, in all honesty, but I do recommend that you ease into it. Do not ambush him — men scare easily and will run — but let your intentions be known after a reasonable amount of time has passed.

If that’s two months, then it’s two months. Six months? Fine. Remember, this is all about what you want, and what works best for you.

The last part requires the least effort, but will also be the hardest to execute. You need to prepare yourself for his response, which could very well not be what you want.

He might only be in this for a fun fling. Or, he might still be dealing with issues in his last relationship, and not want to put himself through that again.

Remember: just like the things that you require out of a relationship matter, so do his.

The fact of the matter is that he might not be ready to settle down. Or, he may want a long-term commitment, but not be quite ready yet. Committing to someone brings on a deeper level of intimacy that he might not be ready for.

But that doesn’t’ mean that he won’t ever be. It’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to wait on him or not.

The best case scenario, of course, is that you two are on the same page, and he’s ready to commit to you in whatever way you desire. But you won’t find out unless you go for it.

So get off of the internet, put on your big girl panties, and go talk to the guy! If he’s not with it, then chalk this up to a learning experience, savor the positive memories, and keep it pushing. Because you’re way too fabulous to be sitting around crying over a guy who never made it past step number three.

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