This Heart Breaks Slowly...

I am so stricken with rage... this fire scorches everything that dares to come near. It burns so deep... I can't control it. All of me is engulfed in flames.

My memories, my passions, my whole life feels like a lie. I have no one. I have nothing. Everyone disappoints me. I just want to scream until my ears bleed, my voice cracks and my body collapses. I'm so very angry it's tearing me apart.

Did I really deserve this cruel betrayal? Did I really push you so far, you felt the need to stab me in the back?... In so many ways my joy has been murdered.

I need to bleed. I need to shadder. I need to cry and crumble. I need to fucking lose it. I need to fucking go insane. I need to fucking hurt, so the pain inside will stop !!!!! It's too fucking muchhhh. It's killing me.

I had everything. I finally had it all!!! My heart was full. My home was safe.

The wind came down and the truth broke out. My world was shaken and flipped upside down.

This whole time I thought I was looking at a finished puzzle... I was really dangling from a string of regret, shame, denile and betrayal slowly peeling apart.

I am devestated. Everything looks so gray.

Anxiously cuddling Insomnia has become my hobby. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and keep reliving this hell. Every day I feel so damn bad my chest wants to cave in.

My breath escapes me and the tears stream down my cheeks until my eyes are stricken with sores and styes.

Nothing will ever compare to that day I watched my heart being ripped from my chest and defiled with your beautiful fingers. You know, the ones I told you constantly that I loved and adored. The ones I was so proud of for working hard and holding me close.

The day I watched her take my place... The day I saw all of her body with none of her face. And then I saw you. And both of you together. That day I watched as everything I wanted to pretend could never happen... happened. Over and over. I relive the seconds.

I felt like I had been tasered. My whole body reacted the second I heard I realized it was you. Once wasn't enough for me to believe it either. So I burned it deep into my brain. I see it every day. I hear all of it every hour.

I feel the shock waves every minute. I'm dying inside.

I'm so exhausted. I thought this would be the one thing you would never dare to do. Because you "actually loved me."

I really was so fucking happy... and in 30 seconds it was snatched away. I don't remember what it even felt like to be happy anymore.

Now my back is bent and I carry with me the memory of every broken promise. I hate this. I hate all of it. I hateeeee. I've never said that and meant it before. I wish that this whole situation could die and cease to exist. But instead it greets me with every rising sun. Instead it rains over my thoughts and drowns out my tenderness. It calls forth my demons and begs them to make a nightmare worse then this, so I wouldn't have to keep being held down and tortured. Nonstop.

I'm not okay. No matter how many times I say I am. No matter how many people I smile at. I'm in fucking pieces.

My life will never be the same. I feel like a fool. I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I allowed myself to be jerked around just enough to make sure I would stay and then i was pushed over the cliff of madness.

I dance with the thought of holding my breath until it's not a dance anymore. Until it's a closed curtain. Until I stop feeling anything. Until I'm okay. Until I'm cold. Until I'm brave. Until I'm floating. Away. From here. I'm cut. I'm oozing. I'm burning. I'm damaged. I'm scaring. I'm forever marked by this tragedy that could have been a bright true love.

"It was only one time."

Well. That's all it took for me to reach the graveyard. The place where souls find release. The place where only good memories are shared and beautiful flowers cover the ground. That's where my heart is unbothered. That's where I'm finally wanted and home. I can't take myself there... But staying here in this mess of chaos might just lead the way. The grief is inevitable and so heavy, I'm dragging. I don't want to have to eat dirt once again, just to feel the light beam down on my face. My advise to anyone who loves fully, hopelessly, intensely, purely.... Be careful. This world seeks to devour you.