This Is Because of You

First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for pushing me over the edge. Thank you for letting us have a great first few months. Thank you for pushing me to be your “perfect girl.” Thank you for choosing other things over me and making me feel bad when I chose my dream over you. Most importantly, thank you for not treating me how I deserve to be treated.

I never thought I could make it without you. At one point you were my rock, shoulder to cry on, my shelter and my best friend. You were my king and I was your girlfriend. I never got the chance to truly be your princess or your queen. But still, I loved you more than I could ever love anything else. I put my all into you, but you never put enough into me. I crossed oceans for you, just so you could jump puddles for me. You were the first person I wanted to tell any good news I had to, but that got on your nerves. I trusted you with everything and you could do whatever you wanted, but that wasn’t enough.

As the months have passed, I tend to think about you, but all I remember is why I shouldn’t trust and why I do not believe in love like I should. I thought we would be forever. I thought we could be happy and that nothing could destroy us. We were inseparable, we were the same exact person, just a different gender. You and I, we were each other. Many people had noticed that we ate the same things, liked the same stuff, and even got to the point when we said the same thing at the same time. When I was with you, I thought I was okay, but really I was hurting myself.

Because of you, I have bad trust issues, and I no longer truly believe in love. You didn’t want to stick around when things got tough. You never really wanted to talk things through. If I tried, you would just sit there mad and let everything go in one ear and out the other. I never understood your ways of overcoming the bad. I never understood your ways of showing you still wanted me, even after we fought. I never really understood if you ever loved me like you said you did. I tend to question what love is about now, all because of you. Isn’t love supposed to be about being by each other’s side through thick and thin? I wonder why you ever said you loved me if you were just going to leave.

Maybe some of our end was my fault, or maybe all of it. I just trusted you and loved you so much that I counted on you with anything and everything. I wanted you and only you. Sadly, here I am, about eight months later and I still wonder what it would’ve been like if we would have stayed together. I wonder what it would be like if you came to school with me like we planned. I wonder what it would be like if you still wanted me, just like eight months later I wanted you. Because of you, I will never love the same. Because of you, I do not expect much from anyone anymore. Because of you, I will not expect people to stay. Because of you, I now know my own worth and how I should be treated. At the end of this I just want to say that it’s okay if I’m not your favorite chapter, but I hope you smile when you flip back to the pages when I was still a part of it.