Thoughts on Divorce

When you get engaged, all you hear about are the exciting things that come from it. You get to anticipate falling asleep and waking up in your best friend’s arms every morning. You get to look forward to the romantic late nights and long days of getting to be by their side anytime you want. You think about the adventures and countless movies and bags of popcorn you’ll go through. Yes, these are all great… but what about the nights you have to hold her, sobbing, because she’s had a horrible day? What about the day he gets laid off and you have to convince him it’s all going to be okay? What about when someone close passes and she goes through a horrible bout of depression? What about when he gets told he has a heart disease and needs to change his diet and take medicines for the rest of his life? You never hear about any of the possible terrible fights. Or the tragedies of accidents and deaths. You don’t think about the days when things aren’t going to go as planned and your worlds fall apart. But THEY HAPPEN whether we think about it beforehand or not.

As a young married girl, I’ve seen a lot. Not just my marriage either. I see things now that I didn’t see before that I wish didn’t have to be true… Statistics show that 41% of first marriages end in divorce*. It gets even worse… Approximately every 36 seconds, there is a divorce*. Please, just take a moment and take all of that in… Thirty-Six Seconds… Wow.

We’ve all seen it and it's heartbreaking because that’s how marriage is supposed to be. It is ASTONISHING how someone can go from “nothing will come in between us” to “this is too much”. Sadly, it is all around us, but that is no excuse. After all, there is a reason our vows say what they do…

For better or for worse

For rich or for poor

In sickness and health

UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.

What does that mean? Are these just words we say just because we feel it IN THE MOMENT? That is not how it is supposed to be. God made marriage to be a lifelong commitment, not a whenever we feel like it choice. Unfortunately, rarely anyone thinks like that anymore. Christian or not, I’ve seen a multitude of people give up on their marriage. So many people are traumatized and broken by divorce. I saw my mom go through the worst, along with many friends who suffered because of their parents’ choices. People so easily just give up like it means nothing to commit their lives to each other and it’s not right.

I feel like all the energy and effort is only until the “I do”. After that point, most people give up. Why? You worked so hard to make them happy and they were your everything… What happened? Okay, so you got him/her, but why stop pursuing them? What good is it going to do for you to give up like that?

I wish I could know all the answers. One minute, people are so happy together, then the next… they’re enemies. How does that happen? In my opinion, it all lies in the heart.

· Pride

· Selfishness

· Deceit

· Wickedness

· Apathy

A prideful heart will get nowhere in life. And if you really love them like you say to do, it should be easy to be humble and have humility towards them. Humility plays a huge role not only in marriage but also in our lives altogether. Nobody likes someone who is boastful about themselves or their lives because it just makes the people around them feel less than what they are. Pride causes a lot of conflicts, especially when one isn’t willing to admit their wrongs.

Being selfish is one of the worst things you can do in a marriage. Once you care about nothing but yourself… you no longer care about the other. Their needs no longer matter, their feelings are invalid, and overall, the selfish behavior can destroy them. A marriage is supposed to be selfless and sacrificial. Their wants and needs should be more of a priority than yours. It’s all about giving, without expecting to receive. It shouldn’t be a chore to be there for the other and it shouldn’t be a burden to be selfless and do things for them.

Another HUGE problem in marriages is deceit. Have you ever heard of the saying “honesty is the best policy”? There’s some major truth behind it. Dishonesty and broken loyalty are what cause most conflicts. No one likes a liar and nobody likes to be lied to. As much as the truth may hurt, you cause a lot more damage when you lie. And not telling the entire truth IS BEING DISHONEST. No exceptions. Your spouse should be your go-to, your best friend, and lifelong companion. You should be able to talk about anything, look at each other’s phones without concern or question, and be able to trust their actions. It’s simple.

One thing that will completely destroy a marriage is wickedness. When people become wicked, they lose who they really are and lose sight of what really matters. They become evil, angry and careless, hurting people with their words and actions. All you hear about anymore is loyalty being broken and people cheating on their spouses. THAT IS PURE WICKEDNESS. I’ve always believed that if you truly love the person, then it shouldn’t cross your mind to even consider cheating. Sadly, not everyone looks at it that way. Many people see it as “they’re not treating me right, so I’m gonna go find me someone who will”. OR there are people who feel they aren’t getting their “fill” of pleasure so they end up committing adultery. NO. Both are completely unacceptable and shouldn’t even cross a person’s mind. HOWEVER…When they do, I still believe that there can be forgiveness and restoration, but it still shouldn’t even be a choice. A marriage should be composed of two virtuous people who are kind and loving. Their goals should not be to destroy one another but to build each other up. They should be each other’s one and only NO MATTER HOW TOUGH THINGS GET.

Lastly, apathy. I think when we are dating or even engaged, we are so in awe of the person and their every feature that we are completely wrapped around them. We want to hear their every thought, know what’s going on in their life, and be there for them any chance we get. But what I’ve seen happen after the “I do” is the opposite. People become apathetic and are blind to the other’s pain and hurt. They don’t care anymore and become careless. There should be sensitivity towards your spouse no matter what. If you are having a bad day, do NOT go off on your spouse. I don’t care what they did to set you off, you don’t take it out on them. If they are going through stuff and you just don’t have the time for it, MAKE TIME. Once again, your spouse is your best friend and partner. Don’t abandon your partner. Be there and love them and make sure they know you care.

I know I’ve said a lot. I could probably write a lot more, but I’m going to stop there.

In conclusion: Marriage is teamwork’ two people have to work at it for it to work. AND Regardless of the tribulations, a commitment is a commitment and divorce should NEVER be an option.

Don’t give up on each other.

DISCLAIMER: PHYSICAL/MENTAL ABUSE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE AND NEVER WILL BE. IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE, PLEASE REACH OUT TO A PASTOR OR SOMEONE TRUSTWORTHY. THERE IS NO REASON TO TOLERATE ABUSE.

*https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/Family-Law-Blog/2012/October/32-Shocking-Divorce-Statistics.aspx