Thoughts on Monogamy

It is supposed to be every little girl's dream to grow up, get married, and start a family. So why isn't it mine?

Having been constantly surrounded by failed marriages and dangerous domestic disputes, the thought of wedlock and building a family is petrifying. With few stable and proper 'model' relationships in my upbringing it is difficult to see myself in a functioning relationship. Though I have been in several serious monogamous affairs, commitment is a terrifying concept. Due to this fear of commitment, I have never been able to fully commit my heart and soul to another person.

Having such few 'models' of a marriage, or a well-oiled relationship, in my life, I began to look in to reasons why some choose to engage in that life choice. Yes, there are many benefits to marriage. After the certification of marriage is acknowledged by the state, there are perks relating to taxes, dual incomes (typically), and shared responsibilities. But marriage is the eternal 'ball and chain' to another. What if you are married for years, and decide you no longer love this other person? What if there is only partial monogamy and loyalty in the union? How do you leave someone you created an entire life with? A family? Divorce is difficult and expensive. Realistically and statistically, nearly half of all marriages nowadays end in divorce or separation, some due to infidelity, which can cause a disruption not only in the marriage, but in family ties. Is the possible end of a family worth the risk of beginning one?

Marriage is a dangerous promise. It is the promise to only be available to one person. Monogamy is a large assumption associated with marital bondage. The idea of monogamy to me is an impossible societal expectation that has been 'upheld' over all these years. People who consider themselves to be monogamous typically are not in some fashion; whether it be full infidelity such as cheating or engaging in relations with another person, or even just choosing to communicate with someone they are not committed to, or double-glancing at an attractive person across the room. If so many people who strive for monogamous commitment fail, why continue? Why allow yourself the opportunity to only engage in relations with one person?

Choosing to live a non-monogamous lifestyle does not mean you are constantly pursuing others; it is not leading to the assumption of commitment to a singular individual. While you may be completely head-over-heels in love and enthralled with one person, it does not mean they are necessarily the only person you feel an attraction, connection, to, nor does it instantly make them your soulmate, one true love. Engaging in a non-monogamous relationship does not mean a person is able to just 'bop around' and sleep with any person who breathes next to them (while it may in some cases). But personally, non-monogamy is an opportunity to have a no-guilt way of socializing with others. Non-monogamy is the allowance of freedom over one's full autonomy and actions. Non-monogamy accepts love from one, but also love from others. It is the understanding that a singular person does not have a singular soulmate, but a collection of them, ranging from family, to friends, to lovers; the people you cannot live life without. Non-monogamy embraces the counter-position of marriage and eternal commitment, while also understanding the power of love and connection with others.

While a non-monogamous lifestyle is what I find best for me, I understand it is not for everyone. Monogamy has its perks. Love between two individuals can be extremely powerful and life-altering, but limiting yourself to one person and soul for your entire life may lead to lost opportunity costs of making connections with others.