To a True Love

I am nothing if not cautious. In fact I am more prepared for you to leave me than for me to love you and I will not believe you if you say you do.

I can't tell you how sorry I am or how much I will spit venom of a story from before you. I will try to remember that you are not them, and some days I won't remember. You will have to remind me of sweeter times with sweeter love.

I feel everything. Every kiss, every goodbye, and all the love in between. So sorry, in advance, because I read far too much far into things and need far too much reassurance.

I have had just too many people tell me how anyone would be lucky to have me, but like a magic trick, they disappear. They were all talk and no happily ever after.

So to the boy who may one day love me, I'm sorry all the others are still making this hard. It's not your fault and it is not mine.

Some nights I dream of you. Some blurred face and wedding bells. Call me a hopeless romantic or call me someone looking for some place that does not ache; I don't know if there is a difference.

But I digress. So, I dream of you. Last night I put a face to the dream. I would like to believe I know who you are now. I hope I know because nobody else makes sense. And if you aren't this will hurt like holy hell fire.

But I digress, in this dream you told me that true love finds a way. And how silly I am to still believe in true love. I've seen what believing does to people. I've seen what believing has done to you.

But you told me that I should always fight. You told me that I was good. But most importantly, you told me that you loved me.

I woke up not believing you and wanting to write you a letter so one day I could show you how sorry I am and who I thought you were. And how scared I was. How soul shaking scared of it all. Call this a digital time capsule or love letter to the future. Something to remember the darker times so we can know just how great now is.

So dear my one day true love, I will pray that you will not realize how not worth the time I will become. Because I am too scared and too tired and too hurt. Because I am damaged goods. Because some days I do not believe there are any more good men out there. Because sometimes I will not believe you are good. Because I will hope you leave me sooner rather than later.

But I digress, I hope that you get all the hurt out of the way before you find me. I can't bare the thought of watching you ache. Come to me after and I will help you fill your cracks with gold. I will make the broken parts of you glisten and shine your edges. I may be too hurt to love you normally, but I promise to love you extraordinarily. I have broken all my boundaries so there is no lines stopping me from loving you.

Dear one day true love, I am tough to love and tougher to hold and even easier to break. But I love and I build so what does it matter. I'm waiting for you darling.I am waiting right her. Come find me.