To All the Boys She Thought She Loved

Her first kiss.

It was at the nearby park, and her mom probably didn't know about it. She was thirteen and when she saw the cute boy with messy blonde hair she's been crushing on lean in, she went for it. She didn't realize where that innocent kiss would lead her.

Of course, her cute blonde love affair didn't last long. Weeks passed and the lovers moved on... for now.

Later that year-another boy? This time it wasn't the blonde hair but a pair of piercing blue eyes, the unforgettable type. Her friend told her she had a crush on a boy who always wore a green Oregon jacket and had pretty eyes. But she didn't need any more of a description because once she saw him she knew; this must be him. Time passed and the boy that used to be her friend's "Oregon crush," became her first boyfriend.

She was fourteen and she called him her forever. They loved each other in such an innocent way. It was pure, but naive. It didn't feel that way at the time though. The way he kissed her gave her this rush in her chest that she had never felt before. So she let him in and gave him everything she had, because he promised he would always be there. She was his cheerleader at his football games, he'd watch One Tree Hill with her in bed while they talked about how that would be them someday, they had meals with each other's families; they were perfect. And it is hard to say when that changed, or why. It could have been because they were just too young to understand love. It could be because she couldn't handle his deep-rooted insecurities that he took out on her. It could be because she feared his love for another girl- the beautiful one that was always so much nicer than her. It could have been all of it. But after a year of exploring love together, she broke his heart.

She couldn't cut ties right away though. Two years passed by, she had a couple of boyfriends here and there, but no one compared to her blue-eyed boy. No matter how long apart, no matter who they dated she always ran back to him—and he always had arms wide open. But she wasn't fourteen anymore. She knew the games had to stop, and she had to stop chasing that rush. She let him go for good, and once she did, he dropped into the arms of that beautiful girl she was always so scared of.

Things weren't the same for her for a while. A couple more boyfriends, nothing serious. She didn't even really like them, she was just searching so hard to find that rush that her blue-eyed boy used to give her. But those boyfriends didn't make her feel anything close, so she ended her search.

Now she's starting college and she met a boy that makes her giddy. He's a little older and he's in the military so he would be able to take care of her. He knew all the right things to say. He observed her every move to morph into the man he knew she wanted. He was mature, he was adult, he would take care of her. But the military moved him and now they'd have to be long distance. She was hesitant, but he reassured her everything would be okay. He told her he loved her but she didn't know he threw that word around as much as he threw around his dick. And it was such a shock to her because they were happy. She was a good girlfriend, they never fought. She didn't know it seemed perfect because it was all a lie. She was heartbroken. He may not have given her that rush, but he gave her stability, love, affection, and happiness, or so she thought. She felt so betrayed, angry, confused, hurt, stupid.

She held onto her hurt for a long time, mostly out of fear. She had no interest in dating, no interest in guys at all. In her eyes, that rush is now non-existent. Her feelings were stagnant. For two and a half years she felt nothing. Nothing close to love anyway.

But all of a sudden that cute blonde started coming around again. The cute blonde she kissed at the park when she was thirteen. He kissed her one night and—that RUSH. The rush she hadn't felt since she was with her blue-eyed boy at fourteen years old. It was back! And it was even more intense than before. They made love the next night and she never stopped feeling that rush. She feels that rush every time he looks into her eyes, every time he puts his hand on the back of her neck, every time she feels him whisper in her ear. Every. Time. He makes her laugh, he understands her, she tells him her deepest darkest secrets; this was it. She found what she has been chasing for seven years. Nothing could ruin that. Except maybe themselves.

Both of them have a past that complicates their future. She's terrified that the problems, the arguments, their differences, will destroy the rush. She is terrified they aren't strong enough to make it to forever. She loves him like she has never loved before but she fears that it's not enough. She fears that she will lose the rush just like she did when she was fourteen. She doesn't think she can handle it, because that rush has become her daily routine and without it, she can't function. It has become her drug. She is addicted to his smile, his eyes, his scent, his touch. She gets withdrawals just thinking about losing him. But she wonders, what if this is it? What if he becomes another boy she thought she loved?