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I've been in so many relationships where I felt unheard, defeated, destroyed. Continuously, I was told I wasn't enough, I was too much, I was left alone to cry after a fight. I was never picked up after I had fallen. I was never told, no matter how much I protested, that I was beautiful everyday. I never felt like I was ever going to feel the love that I was dying to give to someone else. I always thought that this was how it was supposed to be. There wouldn't be a man who would love me better than the ones previous. I thought I would be stuck in this rut of unhappy, unsatisfactory, and one-sided relationships. I was envious of women who would tell me all about these amazing men that fell into their laps. I would dream of the day that I would find someone who would treat me as well as I was witnessing in my closest friends. I was a lost cause.
I never thought that I would be deserving of a love so pure and raw, because I was used. I was damaged. I was wasted. I birthed someone else's kids, and who in their right mind would love someone else's sloppy seconds? I didn't believe that I deserved a king because I didn't see myself as a queen. I saw myself lower than I care to admit.
I've been through it all. I've had every type of boyfriend under the sun. Starting with narcissistic and emotionally abusive. Throw in a couple of manipulative guys. Add in the one that cheated on you the whole time, then claimed to love you after you were strong enough to end things. Then furthered his destruction by convincing all your friends that you broke HIS heart. I fell for the man that promised me the world, then quit his job and lived off of my small income for me and my children. I fell for the man that lived two separate lives, and acted as if I was the crazy one when I found out. He would dangle me on a string, and just as I thought I was getting over it and moving on, he would yank me back and watch me spiral in a vat of self hate.
Fast forward five years... Not only did I find my absolute best friend, but I found someone who accepts me. Me right now, me yesterday, me three weeks ago, me tomorrow, and me for life. He not only accepts me, but he loves my kids as his own. I found someone who ever so gently deals with my cry fits with "is there anything I can do that will make it better?" Someone who holds me when I'm down, lifts me up, and straightens my crown. Someone who knows my ins and outs, my flaws, my quirks, my dorkiness, my meanness, my need to always mom everything, my sweetness, my bossiness, my exhausted side, my hyper side, and through all that, has never made me feel insignificant in any of those moods.
I found someone who kisses me good morning and good night every day. Someone who pours me a glass of wine and buys me my favorite ice cream when I say that any part of my day was hard, draining, or obnoxious. Someone who lays on the ground when I'm stubborn, upset, and I don't want to go upstairs to bed. Someone who wants to be with me in every moment, the good, the bad and the ugly. Someone who not only listens to me, but hears me. He cares about me and my children in every moment. Never once has he bat an eye at my outbursts of "you do realize I have kids right?" Or when I would freak out after a hard mom moment and say "are you absolutely sure this is what you want?" Every time he greets me with a smile, wraps me up, and says "I told you that I wanted you, all of you. And all of you is them. Always."
I not only found the love of my life, but I found my home base. My comfort, my safe zone, my confidant. He started out as one of my very best friends, watched me struggle, and continued to be there in every moment. Now he's ended as my greatest treasure. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell him how much he means to me.
So here I am. Vulnerable. Laying it all out for people who need to hear it. To any of you struggling, the wait is worth it. This is coming from a girl who didn't believe any of that bull crap was real, the girl who was starting to think love was fake, the girl who was ready to give up. This girl gave up seeking for any type of love, and it ended up right under my nose. Wait, because your king is out there. He's just waiting for you to put your crown back on. So when it slips, he can fix it and remind you what you're worth.