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To 'Him'

The Man Who Tore Me Down and Helped Build Me Back Up

It started out like every great relationship. You drew me in. You made me want you. You made me believe I was everything to you. And as soon as I fell in love with you, you brought me as far down as you humanly, possibly could.

I knew you my whole life and I always dreamed of being with you. Then, one September, my dreams came true. We started hanging out. You started bringing me around all your friends. You asked me to be your girlfriend in November and I thought things were great. We spent the holidays together and, up until the following March, I thought I was living a fairy tale. That’s when I realized you were everything I absolutely did not want. I drove you home one night after leaving a friend’s house and, instead of the usual kiss and sweet “goodnights,” I got something I never expected. You were spewing out mean things and you made me believe you hated me. After fighting and minutes of crying hysterically I went to leave and that’s when another girl showed up. She was not totally coherent and needed a place to stay. You knew the entire night that she was coming and you let me leave knowing you just broke me. I cried myself to sleep. Asking why I deserved that. I didn’t. You made me feel so small, made me feel like nothing. I decided then, that I would never let anyone hurt me again, especially you. Little did I know, it wouldn’t be that easy.

Weeks passed and I missed you. I missed you so much and I hated myself for it. Then one night, I let you back in. I let myself blame your actions on drinking or other traumatic incidents that happened in your life. I wish I could have walked away at the point. But I was so weak and believed you wouldn’t hurt me again. 

As time went on, there were ups and downs; of course, more downs than ups. There was so much mental abuse. The games were endless and you started putting everybody before me. I started questioning your loyalty. I started questioning your morals overall, and wondering how somebody could ever do the things you had done. 

A lot of time passed. I settled for you and this sad, disappointing relationship for five years now. I spent the night one night and woke up the next day to a mutual friend (whom I was very close with) texting you. I had a weird feeling about it. You said she just needed help with some things and I believed you. That night, you told me you were getting things ready for work the following day, and I believed that, too. So I was going to dinner with a girlfriend. I arrived and  that’s when I saw your car in the parking lot of where our previously mentioned friend worked. My stomach dropped and I instantly knew to expect the worst. She came walking out of the restaurant and I confronted her. As she nervously tried to tell me you were giving her a ride home, you hid in the parking lot like a coward until I came and confronted you, too. The betrayal from both of you was unimaginable. We fought in the parking lot and you left me there like a fool because you could never deal with confrontation. You ran away after five years. Just like that. 

It was another night where I just cried myself to sleep. I asked why I had ever taken you back in the first place. Why I had to let myself get hurt again. You and her repeatedly texted my phone all night and into the next day begging me to believe it was all innocent and nothing was going on. I couldn’t let myself believe either of you. 

The next day I woke up and had this feeling that I hadn’t felt in five years. I felt relief. I felt happy. I felt like, for the first time in a long time, I could breathe. I realized I never wanted to feel the way I did with you ever again. That’s when I told myself, made a promise, that I would never let a man hurt me again. It was my fault that I let you hurt me multiple times, but I think we all do stupid things when we are in love.

It took me a month or two to collect myself and figure out that I was the happiest I had ever been. It felt so good to be alone and not have to wonder what I would have to deal with next. You taught me to be independent. You taught me to never let myself get lost again. I thank you for the pain and sad nights you brought me, because without that I wouldn’t be the strong person I am today. 

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