To My Ex-Best Friend...

I guess I've never had much luck with other females. Females my age that is. I never knew why. It was like that in high school, too. I guess I saw something in that person that I did not like and I naturally just detached myself. To me, it was just part of growing up. I thought that everyone goes through something like that.

I have a couple of friends who I still talk to from high school. They are similar to me in the sense that they just want to avoid drama and their alone time is very important to them. In fact, I had dinner with one of them a few days ago and she told me things about myself that she noticed over the years. And I had to agree with her. She's one of the good ones. Even though I had a few falling out moments with her.

I know I can admit to my mistakes. I know when I'm being petty or unreasonable. That part doesn't kill me. The part that kills me the most is when I see you; walking down the hall to your next class. I immediately put my head down or look the other way and hope that you do not notice me.

All I can think about is that I want to be walking beside you. Laughing or talking with you. That is the part I miss the most about us. I always knew that you would be right there beside me.

You’ve taught me to believe in horoscopes, in fate, and especially in myself.

In a way, I am still there right beside you. But now it is from a digital screen. I can still see what you are up to. Sometimes, things will happen to me and the first person I want to run and tell is you. But then I remember that I can't. I think to myself, "She wouldn't care. Stop thinking about her."

I still think about calling you. Texting you. Attempting to make things work with us. I stop myself because I know that things between us can never be the same.

I never understood how we fell apart. I never understood how people change. Feelings change. How everything can suddenly just be so different. Deep down I say, “It is what it is.” But I know there is an even bigger part of me saying, “No. I will not accept this. I can’t accept this.”

They say if you love a person, you will fight for them. You’ll fight for them no matter the circumstances. Do I give up? Do I fight for us? Can we put our differences aside?

I seem to always have this problem with my friendships. I asked my co-worker who is an older female and she said, "Maybe you just don't think like them. Don't let this get you down. You have so many great things ahead of you."

You were my best friend. You held my hand during scary times. You held my hair back during embarrassing times. You held my hand during new and adventurous times. Will you hold my hand again? If I reach out, are you still there for me? Or have you forgotten all about me?

Losing you was never a part of my plan. Maybe you’ll realize that soon too.

I know I can admit my mistakes. I know I can admit my wrongdoing. Maybe one day you can too.

I still think about you all the time. If only I knew how you felt about me.

To my ex-best friend... I miss you. Call me.