To the Boy That Never Loved Me

If you are lucky enough to avoid the tragedy of a toxic relationship then you will not know what it is like to suffer for loving someone. Through sharing my personal experience maybe then you'll understand what it's like.

If you are unlucky enough to have fought through a toxic relationship, or are still stuck in one, then maybe this will shed some light into your life and teach you things about toxic relationships that you didn't know about.

First of all, not all toxic relationships are physically abusive. I was never harmed once, at least not in the physical sense. But that didn't mean the toxicness of my partner wasn't painful. Myself and my partner were on and off for four years. At the start of those years we were pretty youthful and happy but it didn't work out, we were young and relationships weren't as serious then. A year later we came back together, a serious connection becoming to form. Maybe the seriousness is what lead him to show his true colours—he knew I was invested in our relationship. He knew I wouldn't leave no matter what because I loved him. He told me he loved me too, but I know now that it was just a lie. Maybe part of him did love me but it would never be true love, he couldn't possibly love me truly and do all the things he did.

I was manipulated, I was cheated on, I was fooled, I was getting my heart broken every week by an emotionless guy that didn't care how much he hurt me. My partner shared secrets with me about his past, came to me when he was low and I felt as though I needed to fix him. And that was the issue. I tried to be his cure all the while he was a disease infecting me. I never tried to cure myself, I continued trying to save him while he was slowly killing me. A toxic person makes you cry, makes you want to scream and it effected my mental health so badly that I wouldn't leave the house days at a time. I'd be in bed, depressed, and my partner couldn't care less. A toxic person has no sympathy, has no empathy and sometimes has no emotions at all.

He twisted every fight, everything that I said so that I was the bad person. He'd tell me I was crazy and attention seeking. He'd swear at me and hang up the phone while I was trying to resolve a fight he caused. He told me I cried too much despite him being the one causing my tears. He leeched onto my weaknesses and twisted them to make me the person who was ruining our relationship. I shouldn't have kept going back to him but he had such a way of making me feel better after hurting me. Men like that, men who can manipulate women so easily, are the worst kind of man.

If he hadn't already made me feel as though I wasn't good enough, cheating on me multiple times was truly the icing on the cake. The sickening, torturous cake. I was dumb for believing him when he denied the rumours, when he said he loved me and it was just a "mistake." I was dumb for having myself manipulated into a gullible fool.

He was toxic for me, just like many other people are toxic in other relationships. Toxic people will do whatever it takes to keep you, even if they don't love you. It's as if they don't want you to be with other people, but also don't truly want you as theirs. My partner always accused me of seeing other people when really it was him who was doing such a thing. It made me lose contact with a male best friend because my partner was so controlling.

Now that you know a very small part of my hardships maybe it can help you with your own situation. If you feel like you can't leave, if you cry yourself to sleep like I have, if you feel as though there is no way out of a relationship with someone you love but they simply don't love you back, I am here to tell you it gets better.

You will get out of your toxic relationship and you will find love again. Genuine love. Love that causes no pain. You will be happy and that toxic person will soon become nobody again.

Just to prove it I will tell you something. I now live in an apartment with a new partner. He brings me flowers for no reason. He's planning me a birthday surprise. I love him and so do my parents. He's the living and breathing version of the man I hoped to one day have. He causes me no pain, he only causes happiness. The toxic person I used to date now has no contact with me. I don't think about him or the hurt he put me through. The pain no longer hurts. I have forgotten of a time where it hurts to love someone. I am happy.

To the boy that never loved me: Fuck you. You really broke me until I couldn't break anymore. But look at me now, I'm telling the world to avoid people like you. You can no longer control me and I have never tasted a sweeter freedom.

I hope this shows you—whether you've experienced a toxic relationship or not—that it isn't easy to get out of a toxic relationship but once you do you'll never regret it.