To the Boy Whose Heart I Broke

To the boy whose heart I broke, I'm sorry.

You were a vivid soul, a bright beacon of blazing fire in my mind overgrown with mold. You saved my life, and I was almost responsible for ending yours.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how, exactly, to express how much you changed my life. You gave me an outlet to express my insecurities, my fears, my failures. You were there through each heartbreak, and there to cheer me on with each success.

I fell in love with you.

I fell in love with your smile, your support. I fell for that attitude that wasn't taking any bullshit from the world. I fell for the one person I thought I could always count on.

We were happy.

We built each other up, we battled through life's obstacles hand in hand, not letting our demons catch up to us. Even if it killed us, we were going to have the last laugh.

Long nights.

Long nights were spent, the sound of our breathing the only noise at 2 AM during an emergency Skype call, talking one another off the edge. So much meaning in the static silence, so much depth. A constant lifeline, a reason to continue living.

And then, I destroyed it.

I cut you off, I prioritized my future. I left you behind and forgot to bring my heart with me. I left you in the dust, and I tried to start over. But no matter how hard I looked there wasn't a single person who matched up to you. Not a single one who felt my pain, who understood my mind, who knew me.

And then, I destroyed myself.

I lost myself to the world of adults. I lost my personality, I lost some morale. I slowly became a person I could no longer stand and someone you would be ashamed to see.

I went back.

I tried to rebuild the bridge I burned, I tried to let myself back into your life, but there was nothing there. The boy I knew so well was so long gone. Lost to a life of self-hatred and despair. He worked on himself while I was gone, took the battle on single-handedly and with extreme resilience he came through bearing too many scars.

He doesn't need me anymore.

I killed the boy I used to love. I left him in the field for dead, without looking back. His perspective on love, on life, on me. They're all gone. We don't have anything to say to each other anymore and the pain is ever present in his voice as he struggles to maintain a positive outlook, for my sake.

To the boy whose heart I broke, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there to be strong for both of us. I'm sorry I wasn't able to stand my ground and fight alongside you. I'm sorry I was scared. I'm sorry you lost your best friend when you needed her most. I'm sorry I wasn't there to tell you how proud I was of you when you picked up the pieces... without me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I came back and made it worse all over again. I'm sorry I continue to be a reason you suffer. I'm sorry I no longer provide you with a safe haven when you need space from the world. I'm sorry I made the decision to change and didn't think about you. I'm sorry, but I can't love you anymore.

I'm sorry, but this is goodbye.