To the Person Who Broke My Heart

A year ago I did the bravest thing I could have done for myself in a long time. I opened my heart up to you. I allowed myself to feel again...to laugh, to smile, to trust, to grow, to fight for a relationship I wanted. Telling myself that it was okay to fall in love and be happy was a struggle. Something told me you were worth it.

From date one, I tried to be as honest as I could be. My ex-boyfriend was a part of my life. He's best friends with my brother-in-law and lives with him and my sister, and is friends with my brother. For everyone's sake, I learned to be civil with the man. It was important to my family that we got along. While I started dating you, he began to date someone else. We were both ready to move on, even though it was an adjustment to both parties at first.

Then your ex-girlfriend came along. She had every intention from the start to make it known that she wanted you back. All the text messages about how she still loves and misses you. How she wants you to give your relationship another chance. There was one time you told her to back off... One time. But I trusted you.

Let's not forget about the girl you went on a few dates with before we met. How you struggled with your feelings for her up until the first time you broke my heart. I'll never forget February 21st. You packed up your things while I was at work and sent me a text to tell me. You shut me out. You shut me out long before then. I remember going home and having an anxiety attack to the point that I threw up the very few bites of Fruity Pebbles I managed to swallow. I won't be eating those again.

A few days later, I called and you answered. I wanted to what happened. Why you shut me out. Why you would tell me you loved me and walk away. Your answer was her. The girl you went on a few dates with before me. She made you melt just at the site of her. One touch of the hand made you feel electricity. She made you nervous. She destroys you.

I don't make you feel any of those things.

That was enough to hear from you that I packed every little thing you left behind. You were at the beach with your parents and getting ready to come back, so I drove an hour to drop everything off with your brother before you got home.

I'll never forget the text I received from you that night, "I'm sorry. I miss you. You're my best friend. I don't want you to hurt."

A few days later you treated me to lunch and drove me to do my errands. We got back to my place to just watch a movie. I couldn't finish plugging up the Xbox before I hear you sniffling. You were crying. Opening up to me about the depression you've dealt with a majority of your life. How it had been affecting you for a while recently. I won't get into details though because that's not my story to tell. I sat with you on my couch crying with you and crying for me for four hours before you left. I had encouraged you to go work on yourself. I wasn't sure if I'd hear from you again. But I did.

We started working on our relationship while you worked on yourself. Saw each other twice a week and made it work.

From time to time, my ex-boyfriend and I would occasionally text. Never about anything super important, and certainly never inappropriate. I never hid that from you. I started noticing that you were texting your ex-girlfriend more often. I even noticed her still confessing her feelings for you. You kept responding. It didn't take me long to figure out that you were being passive aggressive by texting her in spite of me.

I'm sure there's some golden rule out there that you shouldn't be friends with your ex. It's probably true, depending on the situation. I didn't have much of a choice to start with, but I realized that he and I were better at being that then anything else. He was in love with the girl he had been dating when I started dating you. I know he loves her. I was and am completely happy for them.

When I finally called you out on texting your ex in spite of me, you acted like you had no idea what I was talking about. Zero responsibility taken. It was too much for you to be honest. Too much for you to just say that you didn't want me to text him when I was around you. I understood your reasoning for being upset, not for your actions or lack of responsibility. This resulted in a big blow up and we didn't speak for most of the week.

I chose to fight for our relationship. I loved you too much not to try. It took days for you to actually speak to me. I fought so hard with little reciprocation. Again, somehow, we got through it. We moved on and followed our weekly routine. Including Sunday morning breakfast at our favorite cafe.

Fast forward to a week ago...

I knew you weren't a fan of my ex, simply because he was my ex and for no other reason. But they were having game night at my sister's and I thought we'd go and do something out of our norm. We had fun. The next day, my brother invited us to a movie that my ex and his girlfriend were going to be at. As much fun as I had the night before, I didn't really want to hang out two days in a row. I didn't think you would either. So I made that decision without asking. But you found out and got upset because you like him in group settings, but not individually. Um, okay? Then I tell you he texted me the day before asking if I wanted to buy his girlfriend's camera. The fact that I responded meant the following:

1. I had feelings for him.

2. I'm leaving the door open.

3. Not wanting to hang out two days in a row means I don't like that he's dating someone.

4. I'm not allowed to care for him as a person.

5. I can't be trusted.

6. I'm disrespectful.

7. I'm disrespectful.

8. I'm disrespectful.

9. I'm disrespectful.

10. You break up with me.

I went to your place in hopes of resolving things because your reasoning for breaking up was just so damn asinine. But again, I was disrespectful and wasting your time. Not to mention the part of you saying "I should have kicked your ass out months ago". Let's not forget how my responding to a message about buying a camera means I'm saying "F*** you". No. No, I said f*** you as I slapped you across the face so hard that my hand hurt for the whole hour drive home.

We haven't spoke since. I honestly don't know if we ever will. Because looking back on our relationship, as effortless as I wanted it to be, it wasn't. I was stubborn and hot-headed. You were stubborn and immature. But when we loved each other, we really did. I kinda always thought that would be enough. Hopeful. Too hopeful.

This past week I have been breaking and aching on the inside and faking on the out. I've been trying not to be angry or let it consume me. I lost my best friend, or who I thought was. I'm grieving a person I love who is not dead. My light is dim and I don't know when I'll be ready to change that.

Thank you though for all the good times. Making me laugh again. Helping me feel more secure in my own skin, despite the acne. Bringing out the artist in me that I haven't seen in a long time. All the love. All the hugs and missing just to see each other a couple days later. Laughing at my jokes, even though you were laughing because they weren't funny. Looking at me the way you did, when you did. Thank you.

A year ago I did the bravest thing I could have done for myself in a long time. I opened my heart up to you.

Always,

Me