Today's Topic: Dear Internet, Part 1

The Wife with the Good Hair

(Image downloaded from Unsplash stock images)
The internet is a treasure trove of people seeking advice. I, myself, have spent the past several days googling what exactly to do with an insecure boyfriend. Like all things, one must consider the source. For example: who am I more likely to trust with the sudden changes in my romantic relationship? Cosmo or the Good Men Project? In this case, The Good Men Project. After all, I am dating (I think I still am, anyway), a red-blooded, redheaded man. Not an appletini with better hair products than myself.

With all of the available advice, both good and bad, I sometimes find myself reading for the sake of it. My guilty pleasure of advice forums? Mom sites.

Us women are vicious. I blame evolution. With us, everything is a competition for resources. It dates back to when a young cave woman snagged the best hunter and gather of the tribe.

Today, we compete over who has the best tasting peanut free, gluten free, organic cupcakes for the classroom; whose SUV can carry the most sporting equipment; whose designer dog is the latest; and, of course, whose significant other remembers those all-important calendar dates.

Today, while galavanting the depths of mommy forums, I found this gem:

"My husband's ex just became my sister wife. This is so exciting. My husband has a baby before meeting me and now she - the mom - will join our family as a sister wife."

Now, let me start off by saying that I have always been fascinated by the inner workings of polygamy. The idea that someone else can deal with exasperating homework, or soccer duty, or telling the husband it's time to put down Madden and eat, sounds perfecto.

But, then there's that competition thing I recently mentioned. I, honestly, would not be able to handle seeing my Nebraskan redhead showing the slightest bit of affection or attention to another woman. In the words of the always loquacious Nicki Minaj, "And, yes, you'll get slapped if you're lookin' ho!"

That's not to say plural marriage or polygamy in general doesn't work for some. I do know a couple, a triad of two women and a man. To quickly break it down, Wife Two lived in the main house and shared the master bed with Husband. Wife One lived in a separate quarter, on the same property. Wife One and Husband had three biological children, while Wife Two and Husband had two. The women shared the most of the home duties, and took part time jobs when necessary. The children were equally loved and shared similar experiences (as in, no one was made to feel left behind because they were someone else's kid). It isn't a life I could personally take part, but I can say I have witnessed one successful polygamist union. The others aren't typically as lucky.

Now, back to the forum post.

As the replies began to stack, the poster revealed that both her and the new addition are pregnant, making a grand total of seven children. Oh, and it seems Daddy is an attorney.

Let me tell you what I am actually thinking happened to this anonymous poster: Husband stepped out. Knocked up his ex, and suggested it would be easier for them to be one big, happy family. Wife, realizing her income (as she puts it in a reply) only pays for groceries. Raising five children on a magazine writer's salary while divorcing an attorney sounds more costly than to let another woman sleep with your man.

I feel stabby already. Another young woman convinced to let her boy-of-a-man walk over her dignity, while wrapping it in a cute bassinet of diapers and onsies.

If the poster is the current wife, but the new wife is the ex, doesn't that technically make the wife Wife Two and the ex Wife One? The competition for dominance is inevitable.

My advice to the poster?

This isn't going to work. Exes are exes for a reason, and once he remembers that, this dynamic will no longer be convenient for him. One of you is going to get the boot. I'd start researching attorneys he has lost cases to now. You'll want yours to be able to outsmart him - and possibly her.

-M

I miss you,  Nebraska. 

Mary Celer

I want to use Vocal as a way to become more accountable for my writing. I am guilty of starting a project, then casting it aside! Mom, equestrian, photographer, optimist, lover of pie and doctor who, habitual procrastinator, caffeine addict

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Today's Topic: Dear Internet, Part 1