Too Close for Comfort

When the Ex Refuses to Let Go

For most people, divorce signifies a permanent disconnect from your ex, their family and most of the time friends that will ultimately choose a side, one way or the other, and that is when you truly find out who your friends are. But there are those who for one reason or another stay connected to their ex, whether they have children, choose to remain friends, or just want to keep the options open, moving onto a new relationship is difficult when you are still involved with your ex.

Staying connected to an ex can put a strain on an otherwise happy relationship, because after all, who wants to waste their time trying to bond with someone when they observe how connected he or she is to their ex, and in turn may very well decide to break your heart one day?

Here are a few red flags to avoid when you enter into a relationship where they are still connected to the ex:

I am in a relationship with a man, who is still very much connected to his ex.

She is now married, however she and her current husband live in separate homes.

We lived with her previously for a brief time while trying to find a place of our own. I know that I should have never put myself in this situation because it is way too close for comfort. My boyfriend and his ex share two beautiful daughters who are grown and they have careers and families of their own. They should otherwise not have a reason to communicate, however, during the time which we lived with her, there were times that I would be taking a shower, when I was finished, I would exit the bathroom only to look for my boyfriend, and he would be in her bedroom with her "talking." When I would question him about it, he would say that they were "discussing their kids." Hmmm...nice try, I may have been born at night but it certainly wasn't last night.

There is never a reason that they need to be behind closed doors.

If there is anything that needs to be said, it should be discussed in your presence, or it should not be discussed at all, because if they have something to hide, then you do not need to be with this person.

There is definitely something amiss, when she is unable to permanently reside in the same home as her current husband.

Besides the obvious here, he will often reminisce about their life together and what he was able to provide monetarily. He will come across a photo album or a box, and although those things are a part of his life, he really acts as though he misses those days.

I find myself in conversation with him, and I become angry, because we can sit for hours in the same house for an entire day, and he won't speak ten words to me. She can enter the room for five seconds and it is as if she has been away for ten years and he is trying to catch up. There is a fine line between the respect that he carries for her, and the way that he respects me, or the lack thereof.

It is a very complicated situation, and I have learned that I suppose in this situation, I am selfish. If I am in a relationship with a man, regardless if he has been married before or not, I want to be the only woman in his life, I do not want to share him with his ex, and I refuse to.

I deserve better than this. I deserve the same respect that she receives. I deserve to have a man who respects me enough to forsake all others, just as the bible tells us in our marriage vows. Many men are co-dependent on a woman, when there is no one else in their life, they will fall back to their ex, because they want a woman to mother them in a sense. In addition, there are ways to positively co-parent, but there is also a fine line which must not be crossed, so that you can move on and create a new life without staying connected to your ex.

Never allow yourself to be second to anyone in a relationship, because if they truly respected and valued you, no one else would matter!

Always value yourself and guard your heart above all things.