Top 10 Valentine’s Day Gifts

To be clear, I am that exact demographic listed above. I used to live in the Bahamas, but now I live in the Basement. My parent's basement to be precise.

The gifts I'm listing here are silly, but so am I. I like to think that there's a bit of truth in all of them. However, maybe not. I don't know. I feel a bit rudderless on Valentine's Day.

For the first time in 25 years, I don't have a Valentine's Day sweetie. Two failed marriages and a former girlfriend a continent away who rightfully decided that it was too much work having a long distance relationship have brought me to this present point in my life.

It's okay. I'm not just saying that. I love Valentine's Day. I just don't always get it right.

When I was younger and still dating, I'd take my girlfriend out to dinner the month before Valentine's Day and tell her, "Anyone can take you out on February 14th, baby, but only a real lover thinks of Valentine's Day in January."

That approach didn't last long. My girlfriend waited until dinner was over and then told me, "Just get me something or let's go out on the 14th of February like the rest of the planet and stop trying to be different, Francis."

So I did.

But what do I know?

Do I text the old girlfriend and wish her a Happy Valentine's Day? And if I do what do I say? "Happy Non-Romantic Valentine's Day!" That doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?

Do I send a note to my daughters? Do I send a letter to my pen pal, whom I guess is more of an email pal?

Ugh. I don't know. I know I'm going to miss not making dinner or buying something special for that someone.

When I was going through a very rough patch, I read a lot of self-help books on how to get over failed romances and how to become a better person. Like everything in life, some books were incredibly inane and others made the difference between me wanting to get up in the morning and wanting to lie in bed forever.

There is one phrase in all of the books I read that continues to help me to this day. It's simple, but brilliant advice: Love yourself.

Before I could come to terms with anything, I had to love myself. Learning that simple line was the hardest part of this journey I'm still on. It's one thing to say, "I love myself." It's a whole other thing to believe it, but now I do.

So tomorrow I'm going to treat myself to an expensive full-bodied red wine from California. I'm going to BBQ to perfection a rib-eye steak. I'm going to start all of this with a Manhattan cocktail, made with Canadian rye (thank you very much), and I'm going to wish myself a happy Valentine's Day. Because you know what? I deserve it.

No. 10

A free five-hour hypnotic session for the parent’s who will be put under and repeatedly hear the phrase: “You will leave everything to your son who lives in the basement!”

No. 9

The advance winning numbers for any lottery in the world—with the exception of Venezuela, unless a wheel barrel is included.

No. 8

A 10-year supply of construction boots designed for Canadian winters with the image of Katy Perry painted on the top of the shoe.

No. 7

A dedicated team of Russian hackers specifically trained to troll on social media ex-girlfriends, wives, and Facebook followers of both groups for the next 35 years.

No. 6

The only set of keys to the locks for the Svalbard Global Seed Vault.

No. 5

A lifetime re-occurring fee of $5,000 US payable whenever the phrase, “Did you hear what Trump…” is heard.

No. 4

That all managers and bosses under the age of 35 be fired and forced to give up their social media accounts and work for a third tier coffee franchise while wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt that says, “I really don’t have any life experience, but I’m happy to take your order.”

No. 3

A weekly date for the next 28 years every Saturday night with a different Victoria’s Secret model, all of whom have been told just before dinner by their mother that the man they are about to share a meal with has dedicated his entire life to women’s rights and equality, but that he’s dying of cancer and this may be his last meal.

No. 2

That aliens simultaneously land in Vatican City, Jerusalem, and Mecca, walk out of their saucers, have their images beamed around the world, step up to a mic and yell in each countries native language, “Really?”

No. 1

That true love finds the time to visit all middle-aged men and women who for whatever reason are shacked up with their parents.