Torn to Pieces But Got Back Up

I gave them more than I have ever given myself. I gave them my happiness my sadness, my madness, I gave them everything. I thought they were family, I thought they were always going to be there. Little did I know that they had their own plans for my life. They creeped up behind me taking just about everything I loved. Jeopardizing everything I had going on for me, bringing me down in the process. It's so sad that people like them like to do such harm to someone they supposedly call family. I broke my back to keep them afloat, and for what–for them to backstab me. They did not just stab me in the back, they stabbed my heart as well. When they needed something I always held it down. Even when I didn’t have for myself, I made shit happen while they sat there and did nothing. Taking credit for things they never did in their life, got everything handed to them.

They took 28 years from me, and that's time I'm never going to get back. I know that I have to live for today, and let the past be. The thing is it would be way easier if the wounds weren't still open. They're wounds that don’t want to heal because of how deep they cut. I lived and breathed for that family, and I was just pushed aside like I never existed. They turned their backs on me in every way possible. Pretended to care with a fake smile, and supposedly help me out. They were literally holding me back, they were laughing at me. They threw me into the streets in the cold in the middle of winter. They threw me out in the middle of nowhere with no identification. What kind of mother would throw out a child just like that, and somewhere she didn’t even know. Not even my biological mother left me in the dust like that. And I went through hell with her as well. The mother I'm talking about is the person that took me in when I was a baby, and raised me like I was her own. She told me all the right things that a mother would tell their child. She made me feel like part of the family, she called me her daughter. What's crazy is that her nice side has always showed, she made sure of it. I always made excuses for her even to myself, that was until I saw the real her. The side that hurt me to the core of each and every bone in my body and my heart.

I'm talking about a lady I put on top of the world when her own flesh and blood didn’t want to. She isn't even my real mother, but the act that she put up she should win an award for it. Once she found out I was gay at 15, things changed. She only started calling when she needed something, I should've let her go a long time ago. When they said that she "finally" accepted me for me, I should've known that was a lie. She will never accept me for who I am, she will pretend to be just to get what ever she needed from me. That whole family did, and it's crazy because I would never in my life do that to them. I treated my biological family like crap, and treated them like royalty. When I came out they were the first to push me aside. They acted like I never did anything for them. Even though they did that to me, I still stood around. Having a big heart sucks at times. I tried my best to keep them happy, but whatever I did wasn't working. Then I started not to care, I chose to finally be happy and do things I love to do. I couldn’t be myself with them, I had to change who I am. I did it for many years, I hide myself from the world. Not one person, I mean absolutely no one, saw that I was unhappy. I had to tell myself "Now its the time to make myself happy just like everyone else is".

Did they leave me high and dry? Oh yes they did, they drained me for everything I had. What happened that August day won't ever leave my head, it plays over and over like a movie on repeat. That was the most hurtful eye opener that I have ever had in my life. I didn’t want to believe that they were capable of doing such things. Then again its always the people you least expect it from that try and destroy you. I was in complete pieces when the fight went down. They almost broke me to be straight honest. I couldn’t stop crying for days, I was wondering for days what happened that led to that. Maybe I just needed to finally open my eyes wider, and stop making excuses. I have a beautiful family and I'm happy as hell. It was time for a change in my life. I needed better people on my side. Did I forgive the family? Yes I did, even though they don’t deserve it at all. It's in my heart to forgive them, not for them, but for me. For my strength and peace, because I wont ever let anyone, not even them take it from me. I wont let anyone do what they did for so many years.

I let go of what was holding me back. I am being myself; that’s how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I don’t need anyone trying to tell me I can't, or telling me I won't ever amount to anything, but always lay on my back. I did what I had to do to survive the streets while being homeless, sleeping on roof tops, subways. Even in that time they weren't there, I picked myself up each and every time, while I was breaking little by little. Never thought that it was possible to be breaking apart, while trying to put yourself together. They were living their lives, but then again I do blame some on myself. They showed me who they were a long time ago, and I chose to stay. Until I couldn’t stay anymore, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I did that for me, I had to better myself and stay away from them. I came to the conclusion that imma live my life without them in it. I am more than okay with it.