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Toxic Lifestyles Are Not Permanent

Getting out of the lowest point in your life is way easier than you think.

By Lillie LagunezPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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As of today I am happily married, living a great life away from drugs and abuse. It definitely wasn’t easy to get to this point in my life though. I was once very lost and stuck in the most abusive relationship I’ve ever had that led to a lot of different outcomes. We’ll call this ex boyfriend of mine Gill. I’ve made a different name for him to protect his identity.

When I met Gill we were just friends who saw each other around town for years. We had mutual friends, I was a regular at his job, and we even lived in the same complex for a while. Now when I first came across to hang out with Gill he caught me right after a break up from my first serious boyfriend, which was sort of already a red flag. He invited me into his place to console me right away without knowing me very well. Of course me being naive, I went thinking all intentions were well.

So Gill and I start hanging out every day. I would wake up and go straight to his apartment and hang out there all day long. He started introducing me to new things like drugs. I was barely 18, just moved out of my parents house, and he was over 21-years-old with experience of the real world. I thought he was showing me how to survive in this chaotic world because that’s how he made it seem. Little did I know he was just showing me to how to mask my emotions and shut out my thoughts.

Slowly but surely, I started growing an addiction to Xanax and different pain killers. I would drink multiple bottles of wine a night by myself and get messed up on so many different things. I was never sober and since he was doing all these things with me, I thought it was love. I thought we were like Bonnie and Clyde and I loved that we were partners in crime. But manipulating someone with drugs and making them vulnerable isn’t love at all.

A few months pass and Gill and I decide to make it official and become boyfriend and girlfriend. We move in together right away and immediately make things serious. Now I’m realizing that it was just because he didn’t have a place to stay anymore and he was basically using me for my apartment, my car, and whatever else he could get from me. I let this man come into my life after my stepdad died and after a horrible breakup because I was so vulnerable and I needed something to cling onto.

Quickly things changed. He would lie to me and would yell at me and insist I take these drugs when I didn’t want to. He would belittle me and make me feel stupid and worthless. He would make me cry and have panic attacks and would sit and watch me have a meltdown. He would enjoy it. I think it made him feel powerful. I would want to follow my dreams of being a musician and he would hate it. He wouldn’t support me and he even hated it when I sang or play guitar in front of people.

There are many things I’m going to leave out of this story for many reasons but I am putting out there what I went through in this abusive relationship so maybe the two or three people who might read this could understand red flags. Maybe someone reading this needs to see this as motivation to get through a toxic relationship or even friendship. Maybe someone reading this could pass it on to someone who needs it.

I got to such a low point in my life that I literally had a bottle of sleeping pills in one hand and a blade in the other ready to take my life in one way or another. I was in my bathroom just ready to say goodbye to the world. If it wasn’t for my brother and our friend, I wouldn’t be here today. And after that day, I just decided that I wasn’t gonna do that anymore. I didn’t want to be some lifeless body staring at the ceiling and not being able to move because I was so high.

I woke up one day and prayed and cried out that God would just give me strength to get me out of this crazy life I have. And suddenly I saw the sunshine through the rain and I simply just did what I had to do. I broke up with Gill and even found him a place to stay and moved him out the day of. I focused on myself and started loving myself. I got off drugs and went through INSANE withdrawals. And then a few months later, I put myself out there to find the right guy for me.

It turns out the love of my life was someone who’s been there all along. Saul Lagunez is my husband and the one who helped me stay sober and encourages me to be the best I can be. He gets me out of my funks and motivates me to pursue my music career on which I am working with a Dallas label called Gorilla Game.

So if you’re reading this and you’re at a horrible point in your life or you feel like you’re stuck in a rut, just know that it does get better. I know that sounds mainstream but your story isn’t over and one day when you know the time is right, you will go above and beyond to truly find yourself.

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