Toxic Masculinity in the Black Community

Toxic masculinity is on my list of top five unfortunate and damaging aspects of human society. For anyone who is not sure exactly what toxic masculinity is...

"Toxic masculinity can be defined as acceptance of the traditional male gender roles that restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for boys and men to express, including social expectations that men seek to be dominant (the 'alpha-male') and limit their emotional range primarily to expressions of anger."

Toxic masculinity also plays into hypermasculinity, a term used in psychology to describe the exaggeration of male stereotypical behaviour, such as an emphasis on physical strength, aggression, and sexuality, in no particular order. Now, looking at the statistics provided above, I think it says a lot about the society we live in... and it certainly isn't anything positive.

I know what you're thinking... "Toxic masculinity doesn't only effect black men," and my answer is duh. Toxic masculinity is something that can be found in every race and I would even argue species. However, as a black man, I have decided to focus on the experiences that I have gone through and seen. I can't really speak for men of other races, so here it goes.

I personally feel that being a minority gives us more pressure on being the traditional, masculine, no emotions type of person. I believe that every boy's take on being a man is learnt first from their father. So if your father was the typical hard-headed, no nonsense, no emotions type of man, it is most likely that will reflect in who you become as you grow up. It is, of course, up to you to choose to what extent you take on this toxic masculinity malarkey. As minorities, one thing that some of us need to remember is that our parents had it a lot harder than we do; when you just look back in history 50-60 years, you already know times where hard back then, so the way our fathers, and their fathers' fathers, grew up required them to exhibit traits that proved they were "Real Men." This, of course, doesn't make it okay.

Granted, not every black man grew up in a house where their father exhibited toxic masculinity, which is great. But there is no doubt that you experienced it outside of your house through your friends, teachers, cousins, or uncles. My most recent encounter with toxic masculinity was when I recommended Jhene Aikos' Trip album to a friend, and was repeatedly told that I'm "moving a bit fruity." Obviously this was a joke, and at my age I can differentiate between banter and insults. However, growing up, you encounter a lot of these type of comments; and for me, it did result in verbal and sometimes small, physical altercations in the playground, classroom, and school bus. My perceptions all lead back to how my father is, and knowing that, for example, he doesn't listen to feminine music, therefore I shouldn't.

Expectation & Reality

There are a lot of expectations put on us men, expectations such as always being emotionally strong, not taking shit from anyone, being thick-skinned, strong, and having to be the best at what you do or having to earn more than your other half. I’ll let you finish off that list.

Truth is, in reality, we may try to be all these things, but we find ourselves falling short a lot of times. Really, we also have our moments where we need someone to lean on, tell us that every week is going to be okay, hold us... and the one we fear the most, cry.

Suppressing your emotions is never a good thing, whether you are male or female. It ultimately will lead to some kind of violent reaction; this doesn't always mean you end up hitting someone, but shouting, screaming, damaging things in close proximity. These are all violent reactions, which can be avoided just by letting go of any anger or sadness through speaking to someone you trust and are comfortable with.

Be True To Who You Are

The only way that you can overcome toxic masculinity is by being aware of the things you do and say, while simultaneously staying true to who you are. Don’t be afraid to be weak, because only after weakness does strength come.

Avoid pointless arguments and altercations in your life, whether that be in your relationship, with your parents, your kids, or colleagues. Really analyse whether how you feel when you start getting angry is justified. Let your tears come out when you feel sad or happy. Don’t be enticed to sexualise women just because you’re with your boys. Make sure you call your peers out on toxic masculinity traits when they are displayed in a serious manner.

These are all just a few steps that you can take to get out of the thought patterns which lead to the display of toxic masculinity. I am only now really starting to seriously implement these, and it will be hard because these are things that we’ve all been subconsciously justifying it in our heads without actually thinking about. It’s like learning to use your left hand instead of your right.

Society is slowly showing signs of letting men be, in the sense that we don't always have to be hard. Movies and music are the main leaders in this. We are now starting to see more men in roles/positions where they are vulnerable, and are open about it and accept it. Women are also at a stage now where they are getting the equality that they deserve, and though a lot of men get intimidated by strong women... ultimately, I believe, it will lead us men in a direction in which toxic masculinity is a thing of the past.

That’s my two-cents on that matter. Let’s try to be better men.