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Toxic Relationship

Fighting My Feelings

Hey, I'm going to try to make my story as detailed and short as possible. Please, feel free to share your opinion.

My name is Jahnae and I'm from NYC. I've been with this guy for 3 years now & we're going to refer to him as MOT (MOT= MISTAKES OVER TIME). 2016 me and MOT met in high school. I'm a VERY antisocial person. However,  I always figured if he tried talking to me, I would give him a convo. One day I was on my Facebook and I noticed a funny picture of him went viral, so I wrote him first like hey, we go to school together and etc. Days and weeks went by and I finally hung out with him. The first time we hung out, it was late and we didn't really get into much. Mot was so different from any other boy I've been with and that made me so sprung off him. Mot began to move very sneakily over time, me? I wasn't the type of girl to just sit back and play the guessing games so I did my research and found out mot was in a relationship with someone. 

I wasn't the type to be a home wrecker so I asked mot about it over and over and he never told me straight up like "Jahnae, I'm with someone." He just made it seem like he wasn't with anyone and just didn't want a relationship at that time—me and MOT didn't speak for a few months to a year. I felt like I just had to leave mot alone until he finds out what he really wants. On May 1, 2017, me and MOT started to speak again everything was WAY better from 2016, but still not perfect. this time, I felt ... okay, it's all about us now. Of course, we had our ups and downs; nothing about MOT really changed only thing was I was now his GF and I was getting cheated on (now writing this story, makes me realize what he was basically doing to his ex is what's happening to me). 

On January 11, 2018, me and MOT got locked up for a situation which led MOT to do 11 months in jail. You know I felt like him being in there would give him time to think grow up and be all about me and only me and when he came home things will change. {But that's been my problem always believing MOT.} MOT was the kind of guy to do something wrong then play victim to his actions, make you feel like your special and he will stop! NO! MY RELATIONSHIP WAS TOXIC. 

On December 19th, 2018, MOT came home I was hoping that everything he told me in the letters and over the phone was true. But unfortunately, MOT was still the same, I made sure mot had everything he needed to get back on his feet but he played me... MOT still was talking to other girls. I was so tired and hurt, mostly ashamed, I knew I couldn't go back to my friends and family and explain to them what mot was doing. I lost so many people still hoping mot would change and view things how I viewed it. 

On April 9, 2019, I told MOT someone did something sexual to me (word of advice, never fight fire with fire ) it never helps the situation. MOT was upset, but in my head, I thought okay? I can't go back and tell MOT it's a joke because he won't believe it anyway and I kind of what him to feel the hurt I felt all these years. MOT went out and slept with another girl behind my back. I found out about it and had to write this story because I'm realizing the things mot put me through, I should have left, but he was so toxic because he would give me reasons to why I should stay. And I love MOT, so it was so hard. I had never been in a relationship when the person doesn't want me to leave, I'm used to closure. So MOT cheated on me all because he thought I did something to him. but how does that work? The whole reason why I told mot that was because of the built up hurt I had inside and he just turns around and hurt me again? Moral of my story is, when you had enough you will know. I felt like I didn't know my worth anymore. MOT is selfish and the pattern wilcontinue.

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