Toxic Relationship Dynamics

Once upon a time I stumbled across a youtube video by the famous Spiritual Teacher "Teal Swan." She gives any and all advice from relationships to general well-being.

On one of these videos she talks about relationship dynamics using a story. This story is about an experiment done by scientists on a rat. The experiment is as follows; the scientists stick the rat in a cage, the only thing present in the cage is a small pressure plate. This pressure plate when pressed would release one food pellet for the rat to eat. The rat pressed the plate and a food pellet was released. The rat pressed the plate again expecting the same response, it was met with another food pellet just as it had thought. The rat then continued to press the plate for more food pellets, which it would receive.

However, the scientists wanted to see how the rat would react when the food pellets were only dropped into the cage every few times the rat pressed the plate. The rat continued to press and realized that the food pellet would be dropped eventually. The rat pressed and pressed, still waiting for these food pellets.

The scientists then wanted to see how the rat would react when NO food pellets were dropped regardless of how many times the plate was pressed. The rat grew OBSESSED with the pressure plate, continuously pressing and pressing, waiting for this food pellet that would never come. In the rat's mind it was waiting because it knew that the pellet would come eventually. It remembered the time when the pellets would drop every so often when he pressed. So if he continued to press, they would come out eventually.

This doesn't sound very familiar, or like it has anything to do with relationships does it? Well little do you know in every relationship you build with anyone, whether that be family, friends, partners, teachers, or pets, this dynamic is present in a lot of these relationships. This is because either you, or the receiver is the rat in the relationship. This is not always the case, but in TOXIC relationships one party decided to remove the consistency that was present in the relationship. We as humans don’t know how to cope without consistency. We see something happen consistently, and we automatically create a response and a coping mechanism to a situation. We program ourselves to remember that THAT situation is associated with that relationship, and it becomes one of the things we recognize when in others company.

For example, say my current partner was an angel, and bought me flowers on every Monday for years. His reasoning was to “start your week off with a smile.” He did this for 2 years. One day this stops. I get confused, I wonder why is there no flowers. “Sorry, I've just been busy this week I forgot,” “that's fine don’t worry.” He forgets again next week and eventually stops doing it all together. He is bored of me? Is he too comfortable with me, and has decided to stop impressing me as there is no need? Is he seeing someone else? Is he secretly fed up? Now we change the dynamic, we are more cautious, we start to notice small changes in the relationship that had gone unnoticed. We pin these events together, “I've seen him through a shop window, I phoned him, I watched him check his phone, and put it back in his pocket. He didn’t answer the call.” NOW we want to say something, but it may come across too psycho. So we slowly watch him lose interest in the relationship, and WE WAIT for those small moments, those very small moments of false hope. He kisses you in an elevator, he catches you off guard. Thats enough to keep you hooked. In reality he is fed up with his job, I am the only good thing in his life, and that is it, but his actions say otherwise.

In relationships we need consistency, we cannot function properly in a relationship. As soon as something that was consistent disappears, the relationship becomes toxic, we grow obsessed waiting for the consistency to come back. And we will wait for it, as long as our hearts can take it, because it will be there, eventually.