Toxic Relationships

Not everyone has had toxic relationships with close family members. Some people are lucky and have lovely supportive parents, even if they are divorced. I am one of those unlucky women, with a history of toxicity, a pattern I have tried my whole life to break. It would seem easy to do, but the domestic violence psychology I learned as a teenager has held true: victims are more likely to find themselves re-victimized.

For more than few years, even after the summer I spent in domestic violence counseling at our local YWCA when I was just 15 years old, I continued to receive letters from an ex-boyfriend sent to my mother's home. That summer, I had called it quits with him. I left my mother's and moved back in with her parents at my childhood home. I had begun my fight against that learned pattern of toxicity. We were way too young for such a relationship, but he continued to pursue me. It took two years and restraining orders to finally break ties. The ex-boyfriend in question has continued to find himself in jail for various violent offenses on others, and couldn't resist trying to contact me. He actually JUST got out again this past May 2018 for a domestic violence incident on his current girlfriend In fact, my mother just blocked him from following her on Facebook and some of my other friends did the same when he sent them friend requests. By 1997 I had started college (again) and became pregnant. He still wrote letters to my mother and we hadn't even had any interaction in a few years. I was then engaged to the father of my oldest son, who also went to college and had a full-time job that I drove him to. At the same time, I took my night classes towards my own Business Administration degree.

I have another abusive ex-boyfriend, who to this day, uses my distant relatives through Facebook to try and keep tabs on me. Despite the years (1994-1999) of physical evidence and the court proceedings to get restraining orders, it went on for eight years in total. I was worn down from not being properly protected, even though I constantly sought help to prevent future stalking by him. I had moved, gotten married, worked, had children, laughed with my friends, but nothing stopped it. I made the biggest mistake after the marriage to the father of my second son had failed: I moved in with the abusive man I had ran from and brought both my sons. For those three years, he stole my money, my car, my son's belongings, verbally abused us and tried to have me arrested for physically defending myself and my sons. I actually broke his nose when I punched him inside a store. He didn't like my four year old's tone of voice and slapped him in the face. So I punched him... more than once. I called my friend to come pick up my son because I was ready to go to jail. New York State Domestic Violence laws say that both parties will get arrested, no matter who started it. The police let the judge figure it all out. But they decided to not arrest either of us that day. During the very end of those horrific three years, while I was moving out, he violated a restraining order...AGAIN. He refused to leave my apartment, even though I was solely listed on the lease (the landlady loved me and I would have stayed if I didn't seriously fear for my safety!) and all the utilities were in my name. The police stated to me: "You have an order of protection against him, but this is his legal address and he can kick the door down and come in if he wants. We won't be able to do anything about it." After those words, I left the apartment I paid for, taking what I could (my cousins and an uncle had been there to help me) and went to my ex-husband's parents home. He continued to harass me for another year. He used email, called the landline or my cellphone, up to 50 times a day, showed up at one of my bartending jobs, and made the lives of those around me a living hell. I was a nervous wreck. I don't think anyone knew how to help me and half the time I was a such a hysterical sobbing mess, even my best friends hung-up the phone on me.

Then I had a huge wake-up call. I had my one and only DWI accident in 2008. I had already been in counseling for over seven years. Hypnotherapy had been my favorite, which I sought during my first pregnancy. I didn't believe in using drugs. After my DWI, I added alcohol counseling, with groups, two times a week to my counseling schedule. I had also been court mandated to complete the Sheriff's work program, which besides being my penance, I believe helped me recover physically and mentally. I never spoke to that ex-boyfriend again, but have been well-aware he still keeps tabs on me using social media.

Those toxic people in my life are the narcissistic abusers you read about. They needed constant attention and used any means necessary to get their "fix." Their followers, or "fans," have no clue what they are really like. Their sympathy is the fuel Toxic people feed off. Some will understand what you were put through. So that you can better understand the immature behavior of these attention seekers, just because they were once children, doesn't mean that they will ever emotionally grow up. True, some people really do change for the better. I'm thinking it must depend on how much they really learn to love themselves. When they don't, Toxic people use that guilt for control when they reach adulthood. Women, by nature, are supposed to be nurturing. I was lucky to have been reared primarily by men who were also nurturing people. Knowing the difference, I had rejected the toxic people I would run into early on. For some reason, I think my rejection began a need for specific men wanting to be the center of my attention even more. People like that will also be jealous of your children. Other men in your life, like family, are seen as a threat to them.

Signs of controlling behavior:

1. They will attempt to isolate you, putting down any man who has closer ties to you than them.
2. When they say 4 pm, you better not be even two minutes late. The complaining about it never seems to end.
3. They insult your choices, clothes, your looks, your friends, family and anything else they deem to be your weaknesses.
4. In public, they'll act like the victims. YOU embarrass them. YOU are stalking them. YOU are the one constantly calling and texting them.
5. They've said they'll call at a certain time and don't. They say they'll be there in five minutes, for an hour, but never show up. When you realize you were stood up, and become unavailable, they get angry. You ruined the plans. Everything is all your fault.

These toxic people want to feel like people admire them and will do anything to get it. Have you ever felt like you were the unwitting party to a staged public fight? They will even employ family into their abuse. They don't want you to drink, yet at family gatherings, when you are offered alcoholic drinks, they are the first ones to speak up and put you down if you don't party like everyone else. Severe passive aggressive behavior directed at you is one of their favorites. The silent treatment, subtle insults, sullen behavior, and purposely not doing things they said they would are all passive aggressive behaviors. They want to simultaneously avoid direct confrontation and your demands. They might invite you out, but spend the time ignoring you or casting dirty looks in your direction. When you ask them about it directly, they say nothing is wrong. But they'll continue to make you feel like you wished you had stayed away. Passive aggressive people indirectly express anger and dislike towards you. They won't say what is bothering them, since most weren't raised to learn HOW, so they resort to holding it in until some blow up at the smallest infraction. All of the above makes you feel crazy. Rest assured, you are not alone and you are NOT crazy!

Detach

As soon as you recognize the behavior of a Toxic person or find yourself in a potential Toxic Relationship, leave. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone!

1) Go NO CONTACT. Block numbers, social media accounts, and cut ties with their friends. Some people feel it is a way to get that ex back into their lives. Might I suggest that playing games like that is unhealthy? Are you stressed in your life and want to slow things in a relationship so you can better focus on yourself? Talk about it with your partner. Open and honest communication is important in building trust in a healthy relationship. Taking a break from someone is normal. Talking to a partner about doing so will be a bigger relief than if you don't! You are two people in a relationship, so act like it. If the break winds up a permanent solution for you both, then you know it wasn't meant to last. Better to part as friends. And that DOES happen! So does rejection. But the Toxic person is too immature to accept it. Rejection happens to everyone at some point in life. Not everyone is going to get that job, or that modeling contract, or get accepted to that same College. Life would be pretty boring if that was the case. Only one College in the world? Is it on an undiscovered continent? Is it the same profession for all? Do you see my point? If you have to go NO CONTACT because the Toxic person doesn't respect your wishes, continuing to contact you, and others about you, then feel free to do so! No need to feel guilty!

2) Recognize that it is easy to fall prey to them. In the beginning, they are charming, talk to you and ask you questions, and it's normal to fall for someone who appears to honestly care. Normally, it's the honeymoon phase. That excitement wears off and you usually start to feel more comfortable around each other. For the Toxic person, it's the love-bombing phase. When the excitement wears off for them, they begin using all the information they learned about you to make you a bit nuts. They have also usually started looking for someone else to 'feed' off. You become that 'crazy' girlfriend or ex. You may not even know they broke up with you! They probably called or texted earlier, like everything was fine. First, forgive yourself for being fooled. You don't have to forgive them.

3) Rediscover yourself! Make goals to better your life. Take that college class. Find another job if you want to. Re-read that book from a happier time before them. Re-cook that favorite food they said they hated. Buy that gorgeous outfit with the shoes you admired on another, that the Toxic person had put down! Play that video game you can't get enough of that they had hated! Surround yourself with positive people who support your goals and do the happy things that YOU like!

4) Get exercise, take care of your body, and love yourself like you should be loved! Buy gifts for yourself. Take yourself to the park once in awhile. Date YOURSELF! * If it was a Toxic family member you broke ties with, love yourself and remember those who know you, friends and family, will support your decision. Stick in close contact with those supports!

5) Get counseling if need be. Remember not everyone can understand how deeply abuse scars. It's not always physical. The longer the relationship, the longer the healing process. That's not even if it was an abusive relationship that ended. We all feel a loss when we lose someone we love. Our trained professionals are there for a reason, use them! It is a safe environment where you can be utterly honest about what's happened to you and share how you feel about it. Those counselors also have the tools you will need to heal yourself at home. You CAN move on in your life, without judgement! What you discuss with any mental health professionals is strictly between you and them!

Forgive Yourself First

Toxic relationships don't just happen to 'weak' people. Give yourself credit for surviving! Both men and women can fall into unhealthy relationships. It is the Human Condition to want love and affection. Clarify what your boundaries are, give yourself time and then try finding love again (if you want!). Please remember, anyone who REALLY cares, won't try to rush you into any relationship. Either with themselves or anyone else! Your own personal boundaries are the most important thing for you to form and to teach others to respect. Trust in a healthy relationship is earned and it takes time. When you accept and love yourself, others should as well! Some people really are just happy with their own company and perhaps you find out you are one of them? Be comfortable with yourself then. Not everyone is the same!

Happiness is the best revenge!

One more helpful tip from me: You may feel your life is destroyed by the Toxic Relationship, but that person is now behind you. You got away from them, but their real self will follow them wherever they go until they destroy themselves. Just read my second and third paragraphs again! Those men have NEVER changed for the better! It's been over 25 years and I knock on wood that I don't have children with them! I wasn't their first, their only victim at the time of our relationships, nor was I their last victim. Because guess what? Their last victims will probably be themselves!

For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

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