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Toxic Relationships Aren't Always So Easy to Escape

A Story about Kailah and the Relationship That Made Her Stronger When It Ended

By He HePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Life is chaotic and unexpected, we just gotta deal with it. 

A few years ago, if you would've asked me how I would describe depression, I would've said it was for weak people and that it couldn't be real. I couldn't understand how someone could let themselves be mentally consumed in the idea that you're incapable of controlling your emotions and that you're completely helpless. It wasn't until this year (2017) that I was actually able to say I have suffered through depression.

It's so weird to think that humans are always constantly trying to control their lives and the things that happen within them. I think that's where my depression started. With an urge to force everything in my life to be perfect. By the way, I'm 21 years old and I have a one-year-old daughter who I adore with every once of my being. When she was first born I was the happiest woman on Earth. The only thing hindering my "perfect" reality was the relationship I had with her father.

I met Chris when I was in high school and we eventually started dating my first year in college. I had never been truly in love until I met this guy. Man, it was magical. He showed me what it was like to feel important and wanted and loved. But I guess that was all in my head; it was more like an illusion of happiness. We dated for two and a half years straight until just recently. Since the beginning of the relationship, there were trust issues and fights almost all the time. Of course I didn't leave him, because he would always tell me it would change and be different when in reality he wouldn't. The first time he ever broke the trust was when we first dated; he was talking to his ex over text message one night while we were camping and I was asleep in a tent. I found it on his phone the next morning and I couldn't have been more devastated. Of course he ran after me and made it seem like he cared about me so much that I stayed with him, for another two years to be exact.

When you put yourself in a situation like a toxic relationship, you're going to emotionally abuse yourself every single day. I never thought I would end up being the depressed, sad person that I was. Since I gave him so many chances to prove to me he wasn't the man he was showing me he was, I ended up hurting more badly than if I were to just let him go. I thought maybe if we had a kid then he would grow up and be focused on just us. Boy, was I wrong. It just led to partying more "before the baby comes." It killed me to lay in bed alone at night waiting for a phone call to say he was on his way home. Sometimes I wouldn't even get one, he would just stumble into the house at 2 AM. With the same alibi.

Unfortunately, the last chance I gave him was two weeks ago. Our daughter was asleep in the room and he was passed out drunk on the couch. Of course I was going to go through his phone. That was the root of the problem. Disloyalty. While looking through his phone I found pictures of girls, and not just their face. Not just that, but him actually asking girls if they were free to hang out all while telling me I was the one and only. Sickening. I jerked him awake to ask him about it, but I ended up slapping him multiple times out of anger. This just escalated the situation making him more mad and actually caused him to grab me and throw me into a wall. This was when I realized that I was putting myself in this toxic situation just like all the times before. It's sad that I had to learn the hard way and let it get to that point to finally realize that I was worth way more than being emotionally and now physically abused. I ended up being OK aside from a few bruises. But the emotional impact it had on me was like nothing else I've dealt with. It's what I needed to finally put an end to it.

Moral of my story is, my depression stemmed from me putting myself into toxic situations, although I believed that I was doing it for love. Don't let love blind you just because you feel it's meant to be. Someone who loves you always puts you first, will never break your trust, and will treat you like you deserve to be treated. But I'm happy that I was able to overcome that part of my life because it was shitty but I also learned from it. I'm on to bigger, better, more beautiful things. Even if that means doing it alone (with my daughter by my side, of course).

Thanks for taking the time to read about my story. It's not the most breathtaking but I hope it helps people who are also struggling to leave the toxic relationship they're wasting time in.

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