Toxicity

So just for some background knowledge, I'm gonna start this off by telling you a little about my life before my abusive relationship.

When I was 15 I met a guy named Chris; we were together for two years and I ended up getting pregnant and having my first son at the age of 17. After we had our son together, things weren't the same in our relationship, so Chris moved to Florida, I stayed in Pennsylvania and we split. At this point I decided to contact an old friend and confide in him. His name is Tyler. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. And I decided to pursue him. This is where it began.

I poured my heart out to him and he helped mend it. He was always there for me and seemed to go above and beyond to make me feel better. Honestly I didn't love him, I just enjoyed his company and the way he made me feel. We dated for about a year before things started to go south. And right around that time I became pregnant with our child, my youngest son. When this happened, I was not happy or looking forward to this and I did not want to keep him, but Tyler insisted if I could have a child with Chris, I could have a child with him. Despite how hard it was on the both of us at such a young age, despite the toll it put on our relationship, despite the fact that it wasn't what I wanted, Tyler still wanted to keep the baby. And instead of trying to make me feel better about the situation, he would just try to make me feel bad about what I had wanted. Try to make me feel like I was a bad person for not wanting the baby. So we kept him.

Throughout the nine months I was pregnant, the abuse just got worse.

Once we got the news I was pregnant we decided to move in with my father so we could have enough room for the three of us. My dad and Tyler did not get along. We lived there for a few months and my dad ended up telling me Tyler had to leave, and I went with him. We moved in with his grandmother who he had hardly known. She was nice and she was the least of my worries. Tyler hadn't had a job yet, throughout the time we lived at my dad's and now going into his grandmother's house. And I don't know what it was about living there that made him so mean, but he just became malicious. He would constantly yell at me and tell me I was a shit mother. A bad sister, a bad daughter, and that no one loved me. He drilled this into my brain for years and to this day it still sits with me. But after a few months of just the mental abuse came the physical abuse. It started out little with smacks to the face, and it got worse once we moved for the third time. We moved into his aunt's house after being asked to leave his grandmother's. His grandmother knew what was going on and didn't wanna be a part of it, since I refused to leave Tyler.

Now if you're asking why I refused to leave Tyler through this so far, I felt like he was the only one that was there for me. And that understood me. My dad wasn't there for me emotionally, my mom wasn't there at all, and neither were the rest of my family for the most part. And he used that against me. He was manipulative, and he got me to believe he was the only person that loved me and could take care of me (even though I was the only one taking care of me).

So we moved to his aunt's house and the abuse got worse. He had dragged me out of the house one night because I refused to call my dad to come pick me up. Mind you I'm still pregnant at this point. His aunt was sleeping, it was like 2 AM, so she didn't even know. I don't remember much of the "in-between" with us. Just the abuse. While we were living there he was also talking to other girls via social media which I had to find on his phone because I wasn't allowed to have one. He had thrown mine and broke it. Once I found out he was cheating I tried using his phone to text my dad while Tyler was asleep. He woke up and saw the messages between my father and I, and used the phone and his fist to beat my face. This was the worst of it. I don't know how no one had heard me screaming and crying, but no one did. Later that day. his dad and uncle came by to visit and I had to hide my face, I didn't tell anyone what happened cause I didn't know how Tyler would react. He told me in private that he had told everyone else that yes, he had beat my face and he was sorry. But later on, I found out he had actually told everyone soup cans fell on my face while I was opening a cabinet.

Fast forward and our son is born while still living at his aunt's house. So it's Tyler, my oldest son, me, and our newborn there. If I had been allowed to have a job, trust me, I would've been working but Tyler didn't allow me to have one.

Fast forward yet again and we're being told to move again. So we move in with his dad; that doesn't go well and we end up being homeless living out of a motel.

We had a church group paying for us to stay there 'cause as a family we had no where else to go. The abuse got bad here too. He would restrain me on the bed while telling me in my face that if I ever tried to leave him he would find me and hurt me and my family. This had started because I was telling him I didn't want to be with him anymore, I'd had enough and things weren't working out. So after being told this multiple times I was terrified. I had tried killing myself because I felt I didn't have any other way out.

I made friends with a couple older gentleman at the motel who knew about our circumstances. I would confide in them about Tyler's abusive ways while Tyler was at his job down the street. Tyler had ended up needing to make a dentist appointment to get his wisdom teeth taken out and that's when I planned to leave him. I had to sneak around while Tyler was at work and call my dad via the neighbor's phone to tell him the day Tyler was going for surgery and that I needed a ride home at that time with my two sons. My dad agreed, and at that point I just had to act as normal as I could so Tyler didn't think anything.

The day Tyler left for his appointment I gathered our things really quickly, only the things we needed, called my dad who was already on his way, and got out of there. I remember being so worried that Tyler would come back while I was leaving because of something, anything. There was no logical reason he would have come back instead of go to his appointment, I was just so worried. That same day my dad took me to the courthouse to get a PFA, so we started that process. Then came the court dates; something was brought up by the judge about my address and I told the judge I'd like my address kept confidential as I filled out in my paperwork, to which Tyler replies, "oh, I have it right here on my third page." So that court date ended and immediately when I got home I called my aunt who lives in Florida and asked if I could move in with her, I was so scared. And she agreed.

Living in Florida was the best few months of my life. I had a job, the boys were in daycare, I had my life together. I was happy. And then I decided I wanted to move back to Pennsylvania with my dad.

Now, when I moved back, no one wanted to help me and babysit the boys so I could work. So I felt like my only option was to have my oldest son go live with Chris in Florida and to contact Tyler again. I ended up moving back in with Tyler and the process began all over again.

I thought I was wiser to his ways, but I wasn't.

We ended up getting an apartment with Tyler's brother. I was working full time and paying all the bills for Tyler, his brother, my son and I. I was content, honestly. I was more so just happy to have my own apartment and a good full time job.

Well, Tyler ended up having another girl over to my apartment while I was at work and I ended up finding out and had the girl over so we could talk about it. And at that point, Tyler's brother and myself decided to kick Tyler out of the apartment. And that was it for us.

Tyler's brother and I had a falling out and I ended up leaving the apartment to him and moving back in with my dad, which is where I reside currently with my youngest son. I've heard Tyler is in jail for domestic violence and is facing six months to a year there. My oldest son is in Florida with his dad still. I've tried to get him back but his dad refuses. And this is where the story ends. I feel like I'm stronger than I was and I know my worth to an extent. The shit he used to drill into my head still sticks with me today and I don't think I'm ever going to be the same person I was before I met Tyler. He put me through the wringer. I moved from house to house with him, been homeless, and been beaten all while having to take care of my children throughout. All I can say is I'm lucky to still have my dad in my life, and my youngest son Nolan. I'm trying my best everyday to do better for myself and get my oldest son back in my life, and I thank God I'm still alive.