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"Don't look at them, don't think about them, don't even for a second think you have a chance at feeling normal." The thoughts that ran through my mind daily while I pretended to be someone I wasn't.
"Maybe, if I just get one kiss, it'll all be over and I'll never feel like this again?" But I knew that even just one kiss wouldn't be enough; I'd crave more, I'd need more, I couldn't function without more. If I thought I was crazy for guys before, a kiss would drive me to insanity. Boy, did you drive me insane. Over and over again.
Every moment with you was temporary and before I knew it, you were gone again, ready to forget what happened. Did you ever think about me after you kissed me goodnight?
I'll admit it, I was impatient and starved of any romance all 21 years of my life so to think that someone may care for me, that someone may want me, that I could be myself around you, made me hopeful.
But hope is a dangerous thing.
You didn't want me did you? You wanted what I could do for you and when you couldn't get that, you turned and ran faster than any coward I'd seen.
"Let's hangout?" You'd rather make out.
"Do you want to see a movie?" You'd rather watch me undress.
"How's dinner sound?" You'd rather gorge yourself on something other than food.
I should have known when our conversations only consisted of discussion of how experienced I was or what I would be comfortable doing when we saw each other next. I should have known when you told me you didn't want to talk in public. I should have known that you weren't ready to be yourself and I wish I had realized that that wasn't my problem to handle.
Still, I invited you into my room, let you sit by me, your arm around me, my heart pounding so hard in my chest it felt like my ribs could crack under the pressure. Your eyes were focused on me but I pretended to only see the movie because I was too terrified of what would happen if I looked at you. I felt how intensely you wanted that kiss, all you needed was for me to turn towards you. I fought my desire to look at you because, no matter how badly I wanted to explore with you, it felt like my whole world would break apart, shuffle, and piece itself back together as something I didn't recognize.
But I wanted my world to change, I wanted to show the world who I really was, and I wanted you. I finally looked at you and in that moment I felt... normal. Like your hand holding mine was okay and yearning for a kiss from you was natural. When your lips touched mine, I felt so light my head nearly hit the ceiling.
Even though my whole body was shaking with nervous excitement, I somehow felt comforted by your hands holding my face. The best thing is that I didn't feel like my world was falling apart; instead, I felt like I had finally opened a door that I was hiding behind for twenty-one years. Because of your kiss.
You made the bitter world I lived in a little bit sweeter... but then you forgot about me.
It took forever to meet someone who could break down my walls the way you did and when I did, you hurt me. You proved to me that I was right to stay guarded, to never open up, to never trust anyone because even when I felt protected, somehow you managed to leave me in agony.
I hated you for leaving me alone again.
To this day I think about the man that tortured me with his silence. And now that time has passed I can finally say, thank you. Thank you for showing me that just because I openly accept myself doesn't mean the world will act kindly to me; even those who are like me. And for reminding me that a handsome face can hide an insecure man.
You built up my trust in you to the size of a mighty fortress capable of fighting off even the most monstrous creatures. And you, a man, single handedly destroyed it without even blinking an eye.
You were fighting with your own demons and most likely still are. I have moved on, come out, and realized that there is so much more to love in this world than you and to give you anymore time than I already have would be an injustice to myself. I hope that one day you can join me in living a life where you can be your truest self. But, from this moment on, you won't even cross my mind.
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