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Trust Is Earned

A Personal Essay From Someone Who Trusts No One

By Hello, it's me.Published 6 years ago 3 min read
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Background photo by Ross Sokolovski on Unsplash

I don't trust people. Goodness knows I want to feel free to put my full faith in someone else, but I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm an extrovert, and I'm far from afraid of giving my opinion. I'm loud, and excitable, and generally optimistic. My family, by blood or by love, can tell you about my favorite coffee orders, my sweet tooth, my interest in European history, my love for gift giving. But I'm learning I'm not as open as I've always thought.

People who didn't know me before university hear little of my life before age 18. My romantic endeavors, past and present, are mysteries to most of the people closest to me. The fears that keep me up at night don't leave my lips. I don't mean to, but I keep secrets.

But I'm not completely alone in keeping most of them. Different friends hold different secrets of mine. Friend A knows about a few adventures in my lust life, Friend B knows about a few different others. Friend C was by my side every day I was without my parents, and Friend D was my escape from the lonelier moments. Friend E knows about the fictional plots that get stuck in my head, even if the writing never sees the light of day.

I trust them, but none of them knows all of my secrets, or even a majority, or even about each other in some cases.

Initially, I thought of this as a flaw. What's wrong with me? Why can't I, or rather, why won't I open up my life to someone else? Am I a bad friend for keeping my secrets? The thought kept me up at night, worrying I was failing my friends somehow by holding back.

I finally realized I'm not failing anyone. It's my choice what I share and don't share. They've gotten a lot from me as a group, and I know it's because it was earned.

I believe friendship is organic. Past the first grade, I have never become friends with anyone who walked up to me and said: "Will you be my friend?" It always creeped me out, like they'd been watching me and decided I was the one to befriend after great deliberation. Isn't that the same method serial killers use to choose victims? Stalking and selection, not a mutual decision? You can't force a friendship.

In the same way, trust can't be forced either. If someone, whether a stranger or a sister, asked me to tell them about the last person I developed feelings for, I would laugh in their face and walk away.

I actually did do that. At sleepovers when I was a kid, Truth or Dare brought up the question, "What's your deepest, darkest secret?" I actually laughed, rolled my eyes, told them to get a more original question, and went to restock on snacks. The fools.

But the secrets that have been disclosed, whether or not I realized it at the time, were shared through very specific bonds of trust with specifically chosen people. I finally found the pattern.

The secrets I trust people with are linked to topics where they've been vulnerable with me. They trusted me first.

The friend who's seen me cry over family issues more than anyone has trusted me time after time with her own family drama. On both ends, we kept it between us. Another friend who's had some exciting times with different lovers listens to my stories and never tells a soul.

No one knows everything, but when I trust someone, they've earned it.

friendship
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About the Creator

Hello, it's me.

Full of bad ideas for great adventures and too many words to not be a writer

Background photo by Kyle Gregory Devaras on Unsplash

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