Twelve

My "friend".

When no one listens, who do you have?? Yeah, that's what I asked myself all of the time when I was 12. A question that I eventually got tired of asking and at some point developed a "friend".  You know how when you're just a kid and your imagination runs wild, and bam, imaginary friends are everywhere??  That's what I thought I had, except my friend was in my head.

Friends, especially best friends came and went where I lived. They would move and would go to school for a few years then you never see them again, never to return to the tiny town that's barely seen on a map. Just imagine finding them on Facebook after what, 20 years, and they have no idea who you are but yet you remember them.... So not cool!!!!! 

So here I was with this "friend" that no one could see, not even myself. But I always knew she was there, like the wind or air.  I would talk in my head and she always responded.

Some people look into the mirror as they talk.  I don't do that. We discuss whatever I'm thinking about or situations that have come up, basically everything.  We have conversations like two people standing or sitting in front of each other. But then there are times when she is silent or asleep as I like to call it. And yet my thoughts swirl, or my mind is clear which is not too often. 

It wasn't until I was 15 that my "friend" started to become visible. Or at least that's what I think. My mom always said I had mood swings and was a moody child. I always thought it was because we didn't get along too well. But that's a whole other story. So maybe my friend was always with me and I didn't realize it. Anyway, one of my favorite aunts passed away when I was 15, depression kicked in then. And my "friend" which by that time I named Breeanna was always with me.  Well she would show herself I guess would be a better way of saying it.

I may not be able to say that I have a best friend from middle school or high school of "x" amount of years, but I do have a best friend whether people like her or can actually see her. I know it sounds weird and sometimes I am ashamed of who and what I have become, but at the same time, I think I would be a little worse if I did not have Breeanna.

Breeanna listens to me. She understands me in a way that no one ever has. People ask questions like they care, so I tell them what they want to hear... Breeanna tells them the cold hard truth. If they don't like it, she tells them they should not have asked. If you cannot take the truth, keep your mouth shut. I guess that's what a best friend is for: to take up your slack.

Twelve, man that seems so long ago. 

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Twelve