Twisted Love

I saw him...

He'd left a pair of Express jogger pants here and I'd folded them and placed them in the drawer with my clothes. But since everything blew up and we were forced to not speak any longer, those pants have been burning a hole in my mind. A week went by after the bomb dropped and let me tell you... that week was one of the hardest and longest weeks of my life. Not being able to see speak or touch him was really hitting me hard. I loved him. Over the two months that we'd spent every day together, I'd fought him and then watched as he tore down the wall I'd built after my ex-girlfriend. It was so effortless for him. After 10 years, he knows me well.

I know that a part of him is torn, and that what we are doing goes against everything in his religion, and that bothers him. When he'd gotten here yesterday, I thought that I would have to meet him downstairs, outside my apartment. We went from being so familiar with one another to such formality, but when I set my eyes on him, my heart did something else. My mind went that place where butterflies would fly around the room daily. Of course I felt odd, and kept my eyes low because I was ashamed of myself for being so vulnerable. I tended to curse myself for letting myself feel emotion for some people. He pulled me into a hug when he got to me. We just stayed that way for a while as I apologized into his jacket for the second time. I missed the smell of him—it had become so familiar to me over the months and days. When we separated, he nodded for me to go in the house. He followed, to my surprise. In a way, I thought he hated me, but he doesn't. He still loves me. We just kept hugging one another, needing to feel each other in some way. Both of our bodies missed the familiarity of one another. How could I still want something that was not mine? It was so frustrating! He kissed my cheek and when he left, it was a million times harder than any time before. I'm not sure what we are right now, honestly, or what it is we are doing to one another. All I know is that we can't seem to stay away from each other.

Tonight he stopped by. He had sweet wine, knowing that it is my favorite. He played Call of Duty: WWII while I watched and sipped my wine like we'd done so many times before. After he and my best friend bickered over FaceTime over who had more kills, we hung up the phone and then proceeded to watch a scary show on Netflix (he picked it out) called Haunting. It creeped me out and I have a right mind to let him have it later on today, but before the 3rd episode was even half way over, we were no longer paying attention. Everything was hungry grabs, licks, and bites. All of me had missed him. In the end, we finished the wine, stole a few more kisses, and then he left. I invited him to my job tomorrow to come eat with me on my lunch break. He agreed, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't happy to hear him say yes to my proposition. I love to see him. He makes my entire day better no matter how shitty it is. So I know that I'll see him at some point today, walking his fine ass around campus.

The only thing that I have to figure out is, can I convert to his religion if he does come for me in the near future to be his wife (discussions we have had, I'm not crazy!). Can I give up all holidays and birthdays and all the things I love to celebrate? Can I give up coloring my hair and getting tattoos, abide by certain rules with money, stop smoking?! Now, don't get me wrong, some of these things are minor, but there are some things he and I would really have to work out to compromise on. He has given me the run down of things, and educated me here and there on key points on ascribing to his religion. There are a few things that I don't agree with, but... I do love him. And oddly enough with how stubborn I am, I am still willing to give it a shot. I know that a lot of times love isn't enough and I understand that, but hopefully love can make the transition easier for me. I'm not too sure yet. Perhaps I'll talk to him about it later when we're shoveling food into our mouths at a rapid speeds. I'll keep you posted on what answering I get, and what revelations I have in light of those answers.