Un(?)requited Love

The most heart-wrenching thing I've ever heard is "don't worry, you'll find someone." It's not the advice that's heart-wrenching, it's the fact that the person who told me this was that someone.

I remember the first time I saw him. It was at work. I worked overnight and he was a truck unloader. One day I heard the familiar rhythmic clunk of a pallet jack being pulled through the store. I'd heard this sound countless times, even been the cause of it, but something felt different. I had to look up to see the source. I caught a quick glimpse of a guy before he disappeared behind an aisle, he was looking at me too.

He was tall, much taller than me. And he was big; thick, stout, sturdy I'd say. Assholes would say he's fat. To be fair he did have a beer gut, but it was solid. That wasn't what I was interested in anyway. It was his face. I was hooked. The first thing I notice about a guy are his eyes, he had great eyes. He was just a normal guy—tee shirt, jeans, beer, truck, and billiards type of guy.

Weeks passed with us looking at each other, checking each other out, saying hi and nodding... little things. Then I smiled. He flirted, I flirted back. We started to build a rapport. The more I found out about him, the more I liked him. I was definitely physically attracted to him but it got more intense the more I learned about him. He read. Not only that, he read Harry Potter and he admitted it himself with total confidence! I fell for him pretty quick.

We had an odd courtship. It was kind of infantile. He asked our mutual friend if I'd be interested in dating him or hanging out. I wanted him to come to me by himself but I guess he had self-esteem issues. I always made sure to let him know I was attracted to him. Give him a helping hand so to speak.

You know how you can tell when someone is into you? I felt that from him. I always have and I still do but I was never sure if he felt the same way about me that I felt about him. I'm still not sure. Neither one of us said that we loved the other. If I had, I'm sure it would've made my life a lot easier and happier. So, we gingerly started hanging out. He would take me for drives, we would hang with friends at a bar. Not much alone time.

One of the best nights of my life was spent with him. My brother had just got an apartment with a friend from work and they were having a housewarming party. Nobody was showing up and they had bought all this beer. I texted my guy, but he was not my guy, to see if he'd come over. He said if I really wanted him to. "Of course I did," was my reply.

I believe this was the pivotal moment of our lives. He came over and I was ecstatic. I loved being around him, I loved doing things for him, I loved watching him. Nobody showed up to this party so he spent the night. I was so excited and nervous. We laid on the pull out bed together and before he nodded off he apologized if he accidentally touched me during the night. He said he was used to doing that with his ex-girlfriend. I told him I wouldn't mind. So we were spooning and he was rubbing my back. Two minutes later I heard him snoring. I relaxed. Minutes passed and I started to feel pain in my bladder, time to tinkle. So I get up to do my business. I come back and he's hogged the bed. I can't move him and I'm not gonna lay on top of him. I sleep on the floor. In the morning he finds me on the floor. I tell him what happened with a laugh but he gives me this accusatory look like he doesn't believe me. After that night things went downhill.

It just kind of fizzled out. We talked less and less and I never understood why. We acted in a civil and polite manner around each other but he moved on. I was just stuck there without an explanation. I still wanted him. I dropped the ball I guess. I suppose I should've asked him what was up but I wasn't that kind of girl. I was young, stupid and figured if he wanted me he'd come to me. He never did. At least not for a long time.

I wasn't too sad about this turn of events for two reasons—one, I figured he wasn't your average "hot" guy and no other girls would go for him (horrible thing to think about anyone, I know that now I was being a selfish bitch) and two, I figured if I wasn't too sad that I mustn't really like him. But there was definitely still something there. The attraction never left either one of us. We would still look at each other. There was a dry period where we didn't talk at all, he moved up in the company, changed schedules and all that. We went on with our lives. Years passed.

Finally, he became an assistant manager and had to leave the store for training. He was gone for months and it was like the light went out in my life. I got on with it but there was no happiness. I tried to date other guys but I kept comparing them to him, no one was good enough. I know now no one ever will be. Only fictional characters.

When he came back he seemed glad to see me and I sure was excited and relieved to see him and it showed. I've always had this one smile just for him. The only way I can describe it is pure joy and it takes over my whole face every time I see him. So, we started talking again.

We didn't hang out but I did address what happened after that night. He admitted that he thought that I wasn't interested in him because of what I did that night. I assured him that was not the case but we still didn't get together like I would've liked. I tried to reassure him that I was interested every chance I got until he did something I'll never forgive.

I got the impression that all he wanted from me was sex and I simply was not ready. He knew this and I believe this was a key factor for why he suddenly stopped talking as much to me. He wasn't willing to wait. This is something I've never been sure of and I'm still not sure. I was sure it was the main reason he was attracted to me. I was sure he wouldn't wait. What I was never sure about was if that was all he wanted. At times, it felt that way. At other times I could feel he genuinely cared for me. But actions speak louder than words I've heard.

He found someone else. She worked at our store. I was surprised but oddly, I wasn't worried. I kept thinking I should be worried, hurt, sad, or angry... something. I kept thinking I must not love him if I don't feel any of these things.

"So, you've got a girlfriend now I hear?" I asked him unabashedly.

"Yep. I mean, it's new so we're waiting," he replied nonchalantly.

... "What?" My interest piqued.

"Oh, she's only done it once so I'm waiting for her."

... What?

This was one of the most hurtful things someone's ever said to me. Now, a lot of people might think "big deal." Not to me. I was a virgin he wouldn't wait for while she was a girl who'd had sex once that he was willing to wait for. Why wouldn't he wait for me? Was I not enough for him?

Of course, I already knew the answers to those questions and so this cemented the idea that he only wanted sex. So I threw him away...or I tried. I never could do it. I tried so fucking hard to forget him, to hate him, to treat him like shit the way he treated me. But he never really did treat me like shit. To this day I don't think he even knows how much he broke my heart. But I still couldn't shake him, shake his hold. He wasn't even holding on to me, he had dropped me for someone else.

They got married.

Surprisingly, I wasn't sad. He moved up in the company and I was happy for him. We had reached this plateau where we could talk to each other, be happy for each other and we both knew we were still attracted to each other. I can't explain it. Looking back now I think we were both waiting for the other to say something, anything. I know I was waiting for him. Stupid fucking move. I remember asking him why he was marrying her. That was the closest I got to say "I love you, don't marry her." Because I was a coward and I knew he wasn't going to wait for me. He said he was marrying her because he loved her. That's all I needed. I'm not sure I believed him but if he wasn't going to go there neither was I. So they got married.

I wasn't upset. I never cried. Years passed. He went in and out of my life. I struggled with trying not to like him, not to love him, to show him I didn't love him. I dated but it never worked. Nobody compared to him. Nobody could compete.

I had a lot of internal battles with myself. Outwardly it must've seemed like I was crazy, at the very least bipolar. On the outside, when we actually had conversations and interactions, we looked like best friends. We both knew, we still knew. It would never go away.

Then she got pregnant.

I remember the exact moment I heard it. It was probably three years ago by now. I can't remember, I don't keep track. I overheard it. My breath caught in my throat. I actually gasped. Then I went to him to offer my congratulations. He just looked at me for a moment before registering what I'd said. Then we started talking about getting older, having kids, and how time flies.

Then life went back to normal. Or as normal as it was before this news. We still talked and we still knew.

Then he dropped the bomb.

I was transferring departments and he wanted to talk to me about it. Because he had the power to approve my transfer, he pulled me in the office to talk about it. We talked about the position and work. Then we got onto the topic of his home life.

He was leaving.

He told me after the baby was born he was leaving the store. We'd been at the same store for over a decade. Even when he had to leave for training he always came back. I'd grown used to seeing him, to having him there, to knowing he would always be there. He said he had to leave the store in order to move up. I just sat there and stared at him. We stared at each other for a long time. I tried very hard not to cry right then and there.

I acted like I didn't mind but he could tell I was sad. This broke my heart. I've never cried so much in my life. It was weeks of spontaneous crying. And it happened anywhere and everywhere, in the break room, when I saw him, when I saw a truck that looked like his, while I was driving, when I was drinking, when I was shopping with friends. It tore me up in a way I'd never expected or prepared for. It was odd. I wasn't upset when he got married, when he became a father for the first time (he has two kids now), but when he left he took a huge chunk of me with him and the most heartbreaking thing was that he didn't even know it. Even after he left I tried for years to get over him.

I eventually did get over him. .. until he texted me a little while ago. Out of the blue. And he told me something that broke my heart again. He asked if I had a love interest. This was not fair. I told him no while scoffing at myself. He told me he and his wife DID NOT LOVE EACH OTHER ANYMORE. He admitted they'd been like this for a while and now they're basically roommates. He said he wanted some kind of relationship with me.

I couldn't feel myself. It's like I left my body and the earth for a moment. I felt something strongly but it wasn't happiness. I don't know what it was really. It was positive, that I know. It felt like contentedness. Like I'd soon become complete.

He also said he wasn't looking for sex but he couldn't promise anything since he was still technically married. See, I still don't know where I stand and I probably never will.

So, here I am in limbo. I don't want to climb up this ladder because a rung may snap and I can't go down because I can't see where I'm going.