Unfaithful Journal

Ohhh the Struggle...

I want to start by saying that I am not writing this to try to justify my actions to anyone, this is simply my honest release. 

I’ve been married for a while now and him and I have been together for what seems like forever. We have kids together and we’ve been through a lot together, as I’m sure any couple that has been together as long as we have, has been. Things have definitely changed, I know I have for sure!

When we first got together things ran so smooth, everyday was a reason to get up comb my hair, make sure I smelled nice and looked nice as well. Just to see the expression on his face. To see his face light up when he saw me. Of course I don’t see that anymore, so when someone else notices my efforts I can’t help but to feel special. 

My unfaithfulness started about 2 years before we actually got married. I hadn’t been physically intimate with anyone but I had plenty of inappropriate conversations with strange men I would meet on dating apps. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had caught me every time and every time he would forgive me. Every time I tried to be faithful but would fall weak. About a year before we got married, I was doing good. Keeping busy so that I wouldn’t have time to be unfaithful.

Now I know someone reading this might be asking why I would stay in a relationship where I apparently wasn’t happy in? Truth is I can’t say at that point in time that I wasn’t happy, I just couldn’t adjust to all the changes. By the time we were married we already had one child and more were on the way. He had started working more and I was alone more, I was afraid to ask for his time because I couldn’t stand the thought of someone  knowing just how needy I am. Although this was my husband, I still felt the need to hide my feelings from him. A wall I had built years before we even met and I was afraid for anyone to attempt to break through it. Every time I felt like he may be close to bringing those walls down, my mind body and spirit would go into defensive mode.

It wasn’t until a year into the marriage that I became physically unfaithful. It was with a guy that I was working with at the time. He started showing me attention, he was easy to talk to, he made me laugh and the first time we had sex just happened and I did nothing to stop it. It was actually in the parking lot in his car at work, it was also unprotected. A few days later I went and got tested and was clean so I continued this... this whatever it was that it was. The second time was at his house, I lied to my husband about some friends getting together after work. It wasn’t until the second time that I started to feel guilty, so I ended it. I repented and asked God to forgive me. Said that I would change my ways. After all I did love my husband and our family and I didn’t want to be the reason our family was torn apart. 

I never told him, because I knew if I did it would be the end of us and loneliness was my worst fear. So I started catering to him and the kids, making sure that I was everything that needed and wanted. Again, I was on a straight path, nothing in my marriage had gotten better. My husband and and I still weren’t spending time together we were hardly even were speaking. The only time we talked was when we argued about the bills or any other little thing we found to argue about, the kids and work. Still I felt that I needed to continue to be a wife and a mother.

One day we actually sat down and we talked about me being unfaithful and I was honest about why I was unfaithful. Keep in mind we were discussing all the strange men he had caught me talking to, not the man from work because to this day he still doesn’t know about him. For a little while he started paying more attention to me and I was at a point where I thought that that was all I needed to do. To just be honest and tell him how I was feeling and because he loved me he would work on being what I felt I needed him to be. We were talking more, when he was home he was spending time with me and the kids. Then slowly but surely things started to go back to what they were like before. 

Then I met a guy at the laundry mat, he gave me his number, we texted back and forth for a day or so, and the next thing I knew we were in his living room going at it. Then he just kicked me out and I never heard from him again. I hated that feeling, that dirty feeling on top of the guilt of yet again sleeping with another man. After I had been doing so good. I hated myself, I wanted my life to end and had planned on taking every pill in my house once I got home. I remember getting home and the kids rushing to  me to hug me. I embraced them and then went to the bathroom and broke out in tears. A part of me was saying I didn’t deserve love, another part of me was saying I couldn’t take my life because these kids needed me. That side won. That was the truth my kids did need me, so I really needed to do better, better for them. So, my straight path started again.

This one was the longest yet, because I had decided that I was going to be faithful to my kids, there was nothing they could say or do that would make me feel like they didn’t deserve better than I could ever give. This path lasted for about two years. Then I came across an old friend......

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Unfaithful Journal