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Sometimes you have no choice. When you're being abused, or hurt by a situation, when there's no salvation or escape, when you can do nothing but watch everything fall apart around you, sometimes you just have to walk away. It's the hardest lesson to learn, the hardest decision to make, when the instinct is to fight, but it's the only option sometimes. Walking away isn't the same as running away, you walk away for your own sanity, you walk away because it's all so out of your hands that you have to give up. I remember when I was in counseling, my therapist told me, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink," and that's the truth. No matter how much you want to save or change the horrible situation you have no option but to witness, you need to start thinking of yourself.
I am being abused by someone who shouldn't be abusing me. I am being lied to, lied about, my secrets being spread out for everyone to see, I am a freak show to some people in my life because I have depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. I was sick through school, and the bullying was never this bad, and because of who this person is I can't do anything. I can't tell the teacher, I have no one standing up for me, because its so awful that there's absolutely no way to take any kind of control. I have never felt so out of place or humiliated in my life, and this person lives 339 miles away.
Nothing is changing, and I've been miserable for months, and it's getting to the point where I can't handle it and I'm not playing her game anymore. There's one more card to play, and if that doesn't work I'm walking away. It won't work, nothing will change and if I don't walk away I will feel this way if not worse until the day this person dies, and life is too short. I refuse to be silent, and I want to fight, but sometimes I feel like the energy used to fight it will be wasted on someone who will never change. Some people are sitting back, being optimistic, hoping it will all change itself, but it's been eight months and nothing different is happening, so how much longer are you going to wait? Till it goes too far? Till you lose everything? I refuse to wait that long, and if I have to I will walk.
I'd rather be heartbroken, and lonely, than treated this way a second longer. Anything would be better than this, including walking away from someone I truly love. Nothing is worth living this way, nothing is worth making yourself sick. I am not happy, I'm honestly miserable. I'd rather be miserable because of my depression than the abuse I'm receiving now. I could have my pick of anybody, yet I'm staying with someone who is treating me like I'm not worth anything, why am I doing that?
I want my old self back, I want my happiness back, I want my heart to stop hurting. I just don't see another option anymore but to walk away. There is nothing wrong with walking away, and you don't have to do it with your head held high, you just have to keep your head in tact, and know that you have to be good to you.
"Time won't fly it's like I'm paralysed by it,
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it" - Taylor Swift.